Past Experience
Gemma | Mandy | Jonah and Freda
Debra, daughter of Jonah Polak, 72, and his wife Freda, 69, died of cancer
This year marked the 11th anniversary of our daughter Debra's death. Her husband, Alan, had developed non-Hodgkin's lymphoma just over seven years before, and looking after him really became Debra's focus. She was so devoted to him that, in our opinion, she forgot to look after herself.
When she found out that she had breast cancer about 15 months before Alan's death, her main concern was for their two girls, Charlotte and Katie, who were then just six and seven. She knew, however, that her children would have a future with us, that they were in safe hands, which really eased her mind. Had this not been the case, I think she would have fought her illness a little harder.
Because their dad had been in and out of hospital for much of their lives, Charlotte and Katie had spent a lot of time with us, and they eventually came to live with us permanently a few months before he died. Debra passed away less than two years after her husband, and we have been there for them unconditionally ever since. As awful as it was for the girls to lose both their parents, we did our best to help fill the void of love and support that they left behind.
Throughout everything, Winston's Wish was amazing. Back then, it wasn't the big, national charity it is today; it was just a tiny, local organization with limited funds based in Gloucester Hospital. Being from London, we were very lucky to have their support. The amount of time and attention Julie Stokes gave the girls was staggering.
With her help and through Camp Winston, Charlotte and Katie were able to continue their relationship with their mum, reaffirming a sense of identity and remembering where they'd come from. It was also amazing for them to meet other children who had had similar experiences, and to realise that they weren't alone.
It is no surprise that both the girls now want to volunteer on the Winston's Wish residential courses to help other children deal with the kinds of emotions and situations that they themselves have been through. We are still in touch with Julie through regular emails and even meet up from time to time; after 11 years, that says a lot.
The girls were each given two Winston teddies, which they would proudly take to the check-in desk whenever we'd go abroad. We had to explain to the airport staff on several occasions that the bears were members of the family and an important reminder of their parents. Of course, we never had a problem with the excess baggage. In fact, those teddies almost became international ambassadors for the charity!
Every child copes in a different way when a parent dies. Charlotte didn't shed many tears at all. Katie became very angry and violent, sometimes with us and other times with unfortunate items of furniture. She was kept back a year in primary school, which seemed like a problem at the time, but with hindsight it gave her the extra time she needed to recover emotionally in order to succeed academically. By contrast, Charlotte is a lot more docile and initially withdrew a little.
Whatever the girls decided to do, and however they chose to live their lives, we supported them. Thankfully, they have really blossomed. They both wanted to go to university – Katie started at Bristol University this year and Charlotte will graduate from Manchester University in July with a degree in biology.
We have always seen ourselves as parents to the girls. Having just celebrated our golden wedding anniversary, we are obviously much older than their friends' parents. But Charlotte and Katie have kept us so young at heart, for which we are both thankful and exhausted! It feels like we've been through a lot, but seeing the beautiful and successful young women that they have become more than compensates for the hardships of the past.
The girls have also been wonderful for themselves. We really encourage their independence, as well as their interdependence with us. As a family, we have always discussed how we feel about what happened, which has helped keep Debra and Alan's memory alive. Charlotte and Katie are both so giving and kind to us, to their friends and family, and to the various charities with which they are involved.
We are so proud of them and thankful for everything that Winston's Wish and Julie have given them.