Past Experience

Gemma | Mandy | Jonah and Freda

Gemma and her older sister Mandy were two of 14 children who attended a pilot Winston's Wish group in September 1992 after their mum died of cancer.

The sisters had recently decided to make contact with the Winston's Wish charity again, perhaps simply to touch base all these years after their mother's death from cancer. They arrived with two carrier bags full of photos, workbooks and letters. They remembered with tears and joy a journey in their lives that has left them with a respect for their own capacity to be resilient and a knowledge that they have successfully continued a bond that appears to have a genuine chance of being everlasting. After their visit each wrote a letter.

Gemma's Letter

I was nine years old when Mum was diagnosed with cancer in October 1990. During her stay in hospital, Mandy, who was 11 at the time, and I were introduced to Julie Stokes. We talked about Mum's illness, our hopes and fears and ultimately Mum's death.

The meetings were so important to me as I began to realise that I wasn't the only person going through something like this and that it's OK to cry and to show your feelings and emotions. In a way, I was being prepared for the worst. The worst came on May 9th 1991 at 2.42pm when Mum died from cancer.

Just before Mum died I rushed in to see her. I gave her a huge hug, deep down wishing that I could never let go as I knew this would be the last time to do so. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, talking to her about my school trip and helping her to drink some fluids. As I left her room to go downstairs I gave her a hug and a kiss, which are still very memorable to me as this was the last time with Mum.

Both Mandy and I continued our sessions, although we attended them separately. I was given a book designed to help children cope with grief that I worked through. I drew pictures of my thoughts, feelings and favourite memories of Mum. It was a nice way of extracting all my feelings that I could have so easily bottled up inside me. We talked endlessly about Mum too, which meant she was still alive in my thoughts.

My sister and I were some of the first people to actually take part in a Winston's Wish group. I remember we attended the group along with several other children who'd lost a family member. This was such a good day for me as I realised I was not alone, there were other people and other children who had been through the same as me. I still remember the boy I sat next to. He must not have been much older then me. He told us about the experience of losing his dad. I was not alone and that was such a relief.

There's never a day that goes past where I don't think of Mum. I feel her spirit is with me, guiding me through life. I talk to her in my subconscious all the time and I believe I'm able to do this as a result of my involvement with Winston's Wish. They encouraged me to remember Mum and to keep her spirit alive.

At home, I have many photos of Mum and one is kept beside my bed. I look at this every night before I go to sleep; it's my way of saying 'Goodnight Mum'. There are still times when I get upset and wish she was here, however, I now realise that she has gone to a better place and is no longer in pain. It's particularly hard when I see people around my age with their mums. I do get jealous, wishing I still had my Mum. But I am proud to have spent the time that I did with her and remember that even though she isn't with me in body, she will always and forever be with me in memory.

It's OK to cry, feel sad, be happy

Gemma and Mandy maintained a close relationship with Julie Stokes and Winston's Wish. Julie sought their advice on the Mummy Diaries series before she committed. Gemma, now 26 years old and working for the Gloucester Youth Housing Association, thought that the series would hopefully change a lot of people's lives for the better.

Gemma | Mandy | Jonah and Freda

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