'My ex is taking our baby away. What can I do?'

our online advisors reply:

This sounds like a difficult situation for you. It can be hard enough to cope with negative feelings when a relationship ends. Naturally things become more complicated when children are involved.

If your ex-girlfriend refuses to let you have contact, it is possible to apply to the courts for something called a Contact Order. The court's overriding concern will be what is best for the child – contact is seen as the child's right rather than the father's.

However, parents are now strongly encouraged to reach agreements about children on their own. Going to court is supposed to be a last resort. I know you have said that you and your girlfriend don't talk to each other, but trying to open up communication again is probably the best move to make first. Is it possible for you to arrange to talk to your ex-girlfriend about how important your son is to you? Do you know why she won't let you see him? When communication has broken down it can sometimes be easier to start by writing a letter to the person.

When you try to communicate with your ex, remain calm if you can. Try to understand her feelings as well as your own. I know this may be difficult with such an emotive issue, but it may help you reach an agreement. If she is prepared to start talking again, try to remember that it might take some time before she changes her mind.

If your son's mother still refuses to let you spend time with him, and you decide you want to apply for a Contact Order, you will need some face-to-face advice. A visit to a Citizens Advice Bureau should help you work out what to do next. You can find the number in the phone book or search on the National Association of Citizens Advice Bureaux website.

In England, Wales and Scotland unmarried fathers do not automatically have legal parental responsibility. This means they have no rights to a say in their child's upbringing, though they are still responsible for financial support. The law is different in Northern Ireland, where from 15 April 2002, unmarried fathers who jointly register the birth with the mother do have automatic parental responsibility. The rest of the UK is likely to have the same rules soon, but it will not apply to babies born before the law changes.

Families Need Fathers is an organisation that aims to help separated families keep in contact. The FNF website includes a page explaining the law on parental responsibility and how unmarried fathers can become legally responsible for their children.

If you would like to talk to someone about any aspect of contact with your son you could call the Association for Shared Parenting (ASP) on 01789 750891. It's best to call in the evening.

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