'My brother has Asperger's. How can we communicate better?'
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Q: I have an eight-year-old brother who, after years of speech difficulties and emotional problems, has recently been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. I have always found communicating with my brother difficult because of the age gap, but I also find that I don't know how to talk to him, or play with him, without it ending up with him having a tantrum. I really want my brother and myself to get along, but I feel that his condition gets in the way because I don't know how to talk with him properly. I was wondering if you had any ideas to give me, like activities to do with my brother, or tips on how to handle him on one of his bad days when he is cranky. If you have any advice I would be most grateful. Harmony, 16. |
our online advisors reply:
It's really great that you are taking the trouble to find out how you can improve your communication with your brother. Relationships with much younger siblings are often difficult at the best of times, so I can appreciate how hard it must be for you trying to talk to your brother when it will so often result in him getting upset.
People with Asperger's syndrome have difficulties with social relationships. This is because they find it really hard to pick up on the subtle aspects of communication like body language, or the expression on someone's face. Often they can act in a way which appears quite rude to someone who doesn't understand the problems they have. For example, they might interrupt in a conversation and not listen to what the other person has to say. They tend to have difficulty understanding non-literal language too, so jokes or wordplay can often cause misunderstandings. Do you think any of these things cause problems in your communication with your brother?
Another thing that is common in people with Asperger's is an obsessive interest in just a few subjects or activities. They are also often much happier if they can stick to a routine and might get upset if something happens which disrupts their plans. Could this be one of the reasons your brother gets upset when you try to get him to play with you?
It is difficult to suggest specific activities for a person who has Asperger's. It might be easier if you try joining him in what he is doing. He may then feel that your are not a threat to him because you are not suggesting something he does not understand.
Asperger's syndrome is related to autism (it's sometimes referred to as an autistic spectrum disorder) and a good source of further help and advice would be The National Autistic Society. They have a helpline on 0845 070 4004 (Mon-Fri 10am-4pm) and they have specific information for the sisters and brothers of people with Asperger's. If you prefer, you can e-mail the helpline at autismhelpline@nas.org.uk.
The National Autistic Society website has a special page about support for siblings. The page includes links to online support such as message boards and chat, which may be a good way for you to find out how others have overcome problems like yours. If you do decide to join message boards or chatrooms do remember to keep yourself safe – never post any personal information about yourself like your real name, address or telephone number, and don't agree to meet someone on your own.
There are more sources of help and information in our own article, what is autism?.
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