is your child being bullied?

by Joanna Moorhead

bullying | help and info

When nine-year-old Sebastian Clarke came home from school saying another child kept picking on him, his mum Jackie thought he was being a bit soft. 'My first instinct was that there was no problem, or that it was just something and nothing and he'd soon sort it out,' she says.

© C4

But Sebastian became more and more unhappy, until Jackie realised she'd have to do something. 'Looking back I wish I'd realised sooner that he was being bullied, and that he was crying out for help. I should have gone to see his teacher sooner – I regret delaying things now.

'By the time I went into school he'd been hurt and his clothes torn by other boys roughing him up on the way home from school. His behaviour was also affected – he was moodier than usual, and a lot quieter,' says Jackie

how common is bullying?

Sebastian Clarke certainly isn't alone – around one in ten primary school children are bullied every week in term-time (that's 350,000 children). And it happens at secondary school too, although it's less of a problem there with around 4% of pupils affected at any one time.

Bullying can take many forms: it's likely to start off as name-calling and may progress to physical attack with a whole range of abuse in between. As any parent will know a child can be upset, by being excluded from a group or game in the playground. Quite often this sort of behaviour can escalate, with your child being ignored by classmates or criticised constantly about their clothes, their work, their sporting ability and what's in their lunch box. All this can eat away at a child's self-esteem, making it harder for them to stand up for themselves.

Bullying can take on a specific angle in a way that can seriously undermine a child's self-esteem. Homophobic bullying for example is very common. Talk to the headteacher and class teacher and make it clear to your child that you support him, and encourage him to talk to you about what's said. This immediately reduces the impact of the words and will help both of you discuss some of the issues of sexuality this sort of bullying might raise.

Sometimes bullying may be racist in which case it is also illegal. Racial taunting happens regardless of skin colour and may be directed at children from Romania or Pakistan for example, or be directed at a child with a Scottish accent in an English school. Racial bullying, like any other, should be reported to the headteacher, and followed up with a letter. Keep a diary of events which you may want to show to the police, should the bullying escalate. For more information on how to handle racial taunting, check out the websites in help and info below.

what to watch for

There are always going to be clues that something is up but it can be easy to dismiss these as part of the usual run of family and school life. Watch out for:

• Behaviour changes – your child is quieter or moodier than usual, off his food (but often perks up at the weekend).
• Out of the blue illnesses crop up, like headaches or tummy aches, or there may be bedwetting after a long period of dryness at night but he is much better at the weekend or during holidays.
• Unexplained torn clothing, and missing possessions.
• Your child may start to complain increasingly about another child.

if your child is the victim

Back him – be supportive from the first inkling that there's something going on. This is a serious problem, and your child needs adult help to deal with it.

It's probably not a good idea to rush round to see the bully's parents – your feelings may be running high and you may say or do something you'll regret. But do go to see your child's teacher at the first opportunity. 'You've got to fight for your child – if you don't, no-one else will,' says Michele Elliott of the anti-bullying organisation Kidscape.

'Think about what you're going to say beforehand so you keep cool. All schools are required to have anti-bullying policies, so find out how much your child's teacher knows about the one in your school. Is it just a piece of paper in a drawer, or does the school take the issue seriously?

'I'm always very suspicious of a school that says 'we don't have bullying here' – they're closing their minds to the facts, because it happens everywhere. You also get teachers who take the attitude that bullying means it's your child who's got a problem, and you need to sort it out – that's not the truth, either,' says Michele. If your school doesn't take action you feel is enough, don't leave the matter there – see the head teacher, and ask for a follow-up appointment when you can discuss what action has been taken and whether it's helped.

Talking to your child is vital. Assure him that you're with him on this, and this frightening problem isn't something he'll have to deal with all on his own. Encourage him to tell you all about what's been going on – explain that bullies thrive on secrecy and the silence of their victims. Try to make a point of talking to your child each day about how things have been.

Bolstering his friendships will really help. Invite his friends round, and strengthen your links with other families of children he does get on well with. Bullying is made easier when the victim is isolated and when other children around him don't stick up for him and make clear to the bully that his behaviour is unacceptable, so it's important to get other friends on side for him. This should be backed up by the school's policy, which should be to encourage the majority of non-bullying children in the class that if they won't stand for this anti-social behaviour, it will and can be stamped out.

if your child is the bully

Try to believe it might be possible. Your first reaction may be disbelief – and of course who ever is accusing him might be wrong – but you need to be at least open to the idea that your child could be involved.

Think about why your child could be behaving in this way. A child who bullies almost always has insecurities: go over what these might be, and whether you can help deal with them. If they can be overcome, it's unlikely your child will become a persistent bully. What is most important is that you work with the school to do all you can to help your child sort out his difficulties – and remember never to give the impression through your own behaviour that bullying or threatening behaviour is acceptable or justifiable.

who are the victims and the bullies?

mobile phone bullying There has been a rise in this kind of bullying as more teenagers acquire a phone. Bullying can be via calls or text messages. You can check with your child who they're getting calls from. Advise them to be careful to whom they give their number. If abusive messages do come in, ask your child to keep a note of the times and dates of these. If they become frequent or even slightly distressing, inform the police. Unfair though it may seem, the best answer may be to simply buy another phone.

Chartered psychologist Elaine Douglas says it's wrong to think that the stereotypical image of a victim as a 'weak, pimply youth with glasses' is the whole story. 'Children are bullied because they are different in some way, but it can be almost anything. There are children who are very popular who are bullied because of that – it can be almost any child, really,' she says.

'As far as why children become bullies, there may be an element of violent or abusive behaviour in their own family although this certainly isn't always the case, and nor is it the case that a child in a family with these sort of problems will automatically become a bully. I think in our culture of today, where so many children expect instant gratification, there's a tendency for some children to think they should have their own way, and have it now – and that can lead to bullying if things aren't going as they'd want them to.'

sibling bullying

This is no different to any other kind of bullying, says Michele Elliot, except that it can be harder for a child to get parents to take notice and it can be difficult for parents to know when the line has been crossed between normal sibling rivalry and real bullying. 'The line is crossed when it's persistent, deliberate and causes great distress to the one that has less power,' she says. If bullying is accepted behaviour in the home it is more likely a child will bully or be a victim at school.

health issues

Long-term bullying grinds a child down, and it can have a detrimental effect on both psychological and physical health. Children who are victims become withdrawn, and their self-esteem and self-confidence can be dramatically reduced.

Children who have a long term illness are frequently the victims of bullies. This may well be because they need regular medication or are often off school or look different in some way. If it's possible to involve a member of the child's health staff in a visit to the school to explain about hospitals and your child's particular illness, with your child the star of the situation, it can stop this kind of bullying.

(April 2002, resources updated June 2005)

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.