taming your tyrant

by Katie Streten

taming your tyrant | help and info

Screaming, throwing tantrums, constantly changing their minds… Young children are naturally demanding – their survival instinct drives them to seek constant attention from the poor mugs who provide their food and water.

© stockbyte

Toddlers are particularly bad. They are flexing their muscles and only just beginning to realise that they are part of a family and not the person round whom the world turns. So there are times when a parent will give in – just for a moment's peace! But when giving in becomes a habit then the occasional tantrum will become the norm and you could find yourself hostage in your own home to a miniature Caesar.

Don't panic! Whether you're trying to prevent your life turning into a melodrama or are looking for a way back to sanity, there are simple techniques you can use that won't harm your child but will help you regain control. And if your treasure is still a gurgling babe in arms, the following advice – as given by Jo Frost in Channel 4's Supernanny – will help you to avoid this situation before it even starts.

avoid problems before they start

Establish a timetable

Setting up a routine gives young children order and predictability – something they love. It will help you to give enough time to devote to your little terror and to yourself without thinking that you are being selfish. You should also schedule time for any other children you have who've not been taking over your life. Finally, remember your partner. That way everyone is happy!

Count down to the next action

Once you have set up a timetable remind your child what time each action starts and finishes. An example might be how you prepare them to leave for the childminder's in the morning. Tell them "In ten minutes we're leaving for the childminder's aren't we? What time do we do that?" and keep reminding them.
That way, when you ask them to put on their coat ready to go out they'll know why and are less likely to kick up a fuss about it.

Involve them in tasks

While you're at it get them involved in getting ready. Persuade them to try and put on their coat, get them to look for their shoes. Do help them, but involve them – they enjoy it! Believe me, in years to come you'll long for the days when they were so keen to set the table…

Work together

Even if you're a single parent, the chances are you'll be sharing the care of your child with friends, new partner or extended family. One sure way of making life hard for yourself is not working in a team with the other carers. If you don't back each other up your kids will quickly sense a weakness in the system and start to play you off against one another. You'll end up with even less control than before.

Work with your partner or other carers to establish a routine and ways of telling the children off. Make sure that everybody understands them and then... stick to it! Remember kids will respond better to the discipline if they get one consistent message from all their carers.

telling them off

A good ticking off is inevitable sooner or later, but there are ways of getting your point across more effectively.

Come down to their levels

It's hard to ignore someone who is staring right into your eyes – even if you are the master manipulator and you're only three years old. Plus, if you are telling them off it will be easier for them to see that you are serious, that this isn't all one big game.

Change the tone of your voice

Make your voice firm and lower the tone. It's another clue that you are not playing a game – and it tells your bundle of joy that you are, in fact, angry with them.

Explain what your child has done wrong

You have to tell your child what they have done wrong, otherwise they won't understand why you are angry and they won't learn what makes good behaviour good and what makes bad behaviour bad. An example might be, "Don't bite people, Tommy, because it hurts and it's naughty."

when they just go right on doing what they're doing

Use the 'naughty step'

• tell them that if they continue they will go and sit on the naughty step i.e. a chosen area on your staircase – it's out of the way of the family and out of the way of fun.
• give them a chance to be good but if they just won't listen take them to the naughty step, tell them what they've done wrong again and tell them how long they will have to stay there: for instance "Until you are ready to say sorry" or "Until you are ready to sit at the table and eat your tea."
• Follow through. Don't let them leave the stair; don't let them continue their naughty behaviour. Be firm.

nb: if you live in a bungalow how about a 'naughty corner'?

Follow up your threats with action

Just imagine that your bank said you'd have to pay interest if you went overdrawn, but then let you off saying, "Well, just this once then". You go overdrawn a second time and they fail to charge it again… You'd soon get the idea that it doesn't matter if you're overdrawn and could be sunning yourself in Barbados or driving a Porsche safe in the knowledge that your bank doesn't seem to care.

That's what it's like when you tell your child not to do something and threaten them with a punishment… and then say "Oh ok, you don't have to sit on the naughty step… but don't do it again" and give them a hug. Would that stop you from biting Smelly Sarah from next door? I don't think so. This really is the key – if you don't back up your words with actions your child will not do as you say.

Praise them when they do something good

Reward good behaviour with praise. If they come back to the table after sitting on the naughty step and eat up all their tea give them their due. Raise your voice, lighten your tone and say "Well done! You ate all your tea." After all, they've actually done something good and they will feel pleased about pleasing you!

Be consistent

Most important of all – follow through, follow through, follow through. Empty threats don't convince anyone – even a two-year-old child. You might feel like the meanest person in the world while you are enforcing this good behaviour, but remember the child that everyone laughed at school because they were constantly howling and playing up? Remember the bitchy kid who always had to have their own way? That's the monster you will create if you let your snookums get away with whatever takes their fancy. So do it for your child if you can't do it for your own peace of mind!

more tips

Sibling squabbles

You may find that your little darlings are always at each other's throats, particularly if you have children of different sexes as they probably won't have common toys to play with. Involving them in games that require them to play in teams or against other people, not just on their own, is a good way to get them to "play nicely together". They can learn to enjoy each other's company without biting, hitting, screaming and crying.

Bedwetting – an idea

Not all bedwetting is done for this reason but you have to admit it's a brilliant way to get attention! When the bed is wet the sheets have to be changed and the poor bedwetter gets to climb in bed to snuggle up with mum or dad. They may not do it on purpose but it does mean they get attention. Genius!

A simple way to address this is to gently wake up your child just before you go to bed yourself and sit them on the toilet. Once they've been, tuck them up again. You're likely to find that emptying their bladder on this extra occasion solves the problem.

(July 2004, resources updated December 2004)

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.