family at loggerheads?

by Peter and Joan Bruggen

family at loggerheads? | help and info

Everyone and every family is different, but all families have their problems and may wish to change some things about the way they get on together. Trying new strategies and rules to change behaviour patterns can improve things for all concerned. Here are ten tips to help you move things forward:

1. learn to listen to one another

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Many families talk over one another – when people are talking all at the same time they are not listening to what anyone else is saying. This often leads to raised voices, tears and door slamming.

This can be a difficult pattern to break, but it can be useful at the start of any discussion to have an object, for example a shell, which gives the person holding it the right to speak for a specified time and to do so without interruption. An egg timer is helpful to ensure that everyone has a fair share of time.

2. set aside a regular family time

This could be weekly or more often (perhaps for an hour or so) when all the family can meet. Meal times could be a good opportunity. This is a time to discuss problems and plan solutions. Here's a simple problem solving technique:

• choose something that everyone agrees is a problem
• brainstorm solutions – however wacky – and write them all down
• work together to find one solution that everyone can agree to try
• decide what each person has to do to make the solution work (everyone should have a contribution)
• review how it is going after a few days. You may need to reassess your goals and perhaps be less ambitious.

Goals that are simple and targets that are realistic and can be achieved quickly are best. People can often do something different for a short time, to see how it goes or as an experiment.

Treat everyone's opinions with respect. Even the youngest child can have good ideas and, in fact, they are often better at coming up with original ideas than adults.

3. recognise each child in a family has different needs

Try to treat a three-year-old differently from a five-year-old, for example by having different bed times. Children have a strong sense for things being fair or unfair.

Try to give each child a protected space, however small, for precious possessions. One child breaking another's toy leads to more fights than anything else in family life.

Try to spend some time with each child separately.

It's important to remember that all members of the family should be responsible for keeping any commitments they have made and face the consequences. Games are like that too – even a board game has rules and consequences. So does being late for a date.

It's important to respect each individual and to agree what kind of behaviour and attitudes make that member of the family feel respected or not respected. Then it's much easier to agree what needs changing to make things better for that person.

4. find new ways to stop an argument

When arguments do break out they often get stuck in ways that may be predictable – 'here we go again'. It can then be helpful to agree a signal for a truce. For example, everyone may agree that if a whistle is blown, or certain code words are said, everyone stops. Of course this must be very carefully agreed by everyone beforehand.

Sometimes differences of opinion have to be accepted and people have to agree to differ.

5. have as few rules as possible

Make the rules crystal clear and spell out the consequences of not keeping them. Writing them down could be useful. Decide what is really important to you and let the rest go. Don't get into arguments about things that do not matter. Some families seem to argue over everything: it can become addictive.

These rules are not rigid. If they are too tight that is restrictive; if they are too loose, they are pointless.

Responsibility and consequences may be different, but it can be very useful to try to keep both in the air at once. Try to get each individual to realise they are responsible for what they say and how they say it; and that there will be consequences.

Consequences are what happen afterwards, because of what went on before. In agreeing what the consequences might be, all you are doing is arranging markers which may be useful. They can be negative, positive, serious, or funny. Having to wear a party hat during the meal as a kind of forfeit may be as useful a consequence as a swear box.

6. think about how you communicate

Remember a time and place when you were communicating well with someone. Who did most of the talking? Did you do more talking or more listening?

Think of a time when you were communicating well and you were having fun. What was happening when there wasn't a problem in the way?

Remember it's the behaviour that is the problem not the person. If it's not an individual that is seen as the problem, then it's easier to understand: 'some of what X does is very annoying, but I still love X.'

Make requests for changes simple and direct; positively, not negatively. ('I wish you didn't …' becomes 'I wish you did …'). 'Stop leaving your bedroom like a pigsty' becomes 'Please tidy your bedroom today'.

The value of being positive cannot be over stressed. It's very helpful to have changes in behaviour acknowledged and praised. We all like compliments and all of us are susceptible to flattery. Despite the hazards of flattery, or of feeling flattered insincerely, it's often worth remembering that compliments can turn round relationships.

Take notice of when someone makes an effort or behaves differently; and give them some acknowledgement without a 'but' at the end. 'Your bedroom's better, but you left the bath dirty' becomes 'Your bedroom's better'.

7. try something different

Often the best time to try for a change is when everyone feels desperate.

In trying to change problem behaviour, do try to notice when something is really not working. That's the time to stop doing it. You know that when you are stuck in a hole it's best to stop digging.

But people do sometimes try harder and harder with a method that does not work. Nagging to stop swearing, for example.

When you are in that position, whatever you are doing often reinforces the problem. Try something different.

8. learning to confront people

This can be scary but sometimes it's the most caring and loving thing to do. And so it's worth thinking about how to do it and how to get help.

The easiest way to confront someone with something you know will be hard to say is often to anticipate the likely consequences. For example, start by saying: 'I've got something difficult to say that may upset/annoy you'. This may help the other person to slip into a different mode or gear and you may even see helpful signs in their body language: the 'I'm listening' signs.

It's also helpful to remember how it was for you when you heard something difficult. Perhaps good points were things like not talking down to the other person, being fairly direct and, as usual, not forgetting the compliments.

9. parents – give yourselves a break

Use extended family, friends or babysitters, to make time for yourself. Plan to have at least one evening a week to do something totally unrelated to family.

Have a way of protecting yourself when you feel at the end of your tether and about to blow. A teenager may go to her room and plug in to music to avoid argument. Others may lock themselves in the bathroom to soak for an hour, or go for a walk round the block. The important thing is to find or invent something that is 'yours' and that works for you.

10. be positive

Finally, instead of dwelling on what goes wrong, notice what is happening that is right. It's easy to criticise and highlight everyone's faults and failings, including your own. Instead, make a list of family strengths, talents and resources. You will find them.

And remember, every person and every family is different.

Peter and Joan Bruggen are family therapists

(May 2003, resources updated December 2004)

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