bad behaviour: who can you turn to for help?
by Heather Welford
bad behaviour | help and info
Parenting is one of the hardest roles we ever take on, and sometimes it seems the advice and support there in the first few months disappears once the going gets really tough.
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When babies become toddlers, and toddlers become children, they don't just grow up physically. Their characters emerge... and we don't necessarily like what we see.
Behaviour can become challenging, and exhausting. The pleasures of caring for someone we still love and want to protect become overshadowed by arguments, and it seems almost every day is punctuated with confrontations and tantrums.
You might feel guilty you can't 'control' your child. You may feel useless as a parent, and criticised by friends and family for not being 'hard' enough, or on the other hand, for being 'too strict'.
You can get help to bring about change – there's no magic wand, and it requires effort, consistency and commitment over weeks and even months, but the right sort of help is there.
toddlers and pre-schoolers
See your health visitor. Health visitors have a remit to promote overall well-being in families with children aged up to five. All are trained to support you through minor behavioural issues, and some have a special interest and training in more long-term behaviour management issues. Health visitors can also refer you to any local specialists in child and family guidance.
school-age children
Educational psychologists are employed by the local authority. They have skills in assessment which may help you and your child's teacher explore whether your child has any special needs which might be affecting his behaviour. Where there is a behaviour issue, educational psychologists work with you, the parent, and the school, to ensure consistency and to monitor changes.
more specialist help
Children of all ages and their families can get help from child and family guidance centres – they may have different names in different localities, and sometimes the name doesn't necessarily reflect what they do, so do ask your health visitor, GP or child's school if you are not sure where to go.
Some take referrals direct from you, though they may well get in touch with your doctor or the school to get information.
Hospital-based psychiatry or paediatric departments may have therapists working with families on behaviour change. Call them, and ask. You can seek private help from a psychotherapist, and some offer reduced fees for children (see help and info).
If your local health authority has an arrangement with the Tavistock Centre (see help and info) in London's Belsize Lane, you may be able to get NHS support from this internationally-famous centre, well known for its pioneering work in psychotherapy and family care.
parenting – learning more
There are many of parenting support programmes all over the country, run by different agencies. In some areas, you can follow an evening class in good parenting. Usually, courses are between six and 12 sessions long, and each session takes two to three hours.
You don't have to have a big problem to attend these courses – just the wish to understand and explore good parenting and to enhance your relationship with your child. For details see help and info.
it takes courage
Families and relationships can become fixed in set patterns that actually encourage exactly the sort of behaviour regarded as the problem. Breaking out of the pattern can be extremely difficult.
It can need a lot of understanding, a lot of support, and a willingness to face up to the fact that what you're doing is making your child worse. It's not your child's fault. In fact, he's behaving normally and he's not naturally 'naughty' at all.
That can be hard to accept.
Hilary Clarke, producer of the Bad Behaviour series, says, 'I admired Fred and Diane [the parents seen in 2003's Bad Behaviour programme] for seeking help. They had to be extraordinarily honest about their feelings for Georgina. It's awful to think something you've been doing is at the root of your child's behaviour. But conversely, it means you also have the power to do something about it, and that's good news.'
'Is there something wrong with my child?'
Parents often worry something in their child's physical or chemical make-up is 'making' them behave badly. They explore the possibility of allergy to foods, or colourants. They may ask if their child can be investigated for ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. And if the doctor agrees this is what lies at the heart of it, then the child may be prescribed a drug, often the amphetamine-based Ritalin, which aims to control the behaviour.
The Department of Health reports that last year, over 200,000 prescriptions were issued for Ritalin – more than double the amount just five years previously. Opinions among experts differ – is this a welcome response to pleas from desperate children, teachers and parents that challenging behaviour needs a proper diagnosis, and appropriate medication? Or is the diagnosis, and its treatment, 'medicalising' essentially normal behaviour, that could be changed with the right non-drug intervention?
Educational psychologist Nigel Mellor, from North Tyneside, feels behaviour management issues should always be addressed, either before any diagnosis of ADHD or other medical condition is offered, or alongside it.
'Some children are prescribed drugs, or taken off certain foods, and for some this may be appropriate. But looking at changing the way the behaviour is managed is important, too,' he says. 'If the child is able to improve, and to learn about and adopt acceptable behaviour with the right circumstances, then obviously, he doesn't need any medical or psychiatric treatment.'
Dr Mellor says parents of children diagnosed with ADHD still need to look at the way unacceptable behaviour is managed. 'I say to parents, even if you find the drugs are helping, you'll continue to face the issue of what to do if he swears at you, or starts climbing up the curtains when you've told him not to.'
(July 2003, updated April 2005)
Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.
