practical parenting
practical parenting | help and info
If we thought about it too much, being a parent could leave us in a constant state of panic. There are so many things that could go wrong. Children get ill, fall over, break their bones, make and break friends and may develop all kinds of illnesses and fears. As parents, our job is to protect them but also to encourage them to be independent. Getting the balance right can feel like a never-ending battle but it's worth remembering that there is no such thing as 'right' and you only have to be a 'good enough' parent. One that keeps your child safe and makes him or her feel secure and loved.
Hopefully, whatever the problems and bad days, we can enjoy the rewards that parenting brings. Here are ten tips for keeping it together when going gets tough.
1. React positively
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All parents feel angry, depressed and frustrated when their children misbehave. Don't turn this in on yourself and tell yourself you must be a bad parent. Instead tell yourself you can cope and give yourself time to come up with working solutions to problems rather than on-the-spot discipline which you have to keep repeating. Try reward charts or systems for good behaviour rather than punishments (such as stopping treats or constantly banning TV) for bad.
2. Keep it simple
Work out, with your partner if you have one, the areas of your child's behaviour you want to tackle most and concentrate on these. If you deal with the main issues first it may help the more minor irritations and it won't make your child feel as though you're on his or her case about everything.
3. Be consistent
If you and your partner find that your child is playing one of you off against the other, talk it through and agree some basic rules such as 'there is no bedtime story until teeth have been cleaned'. Or 'no television until homework is done'. And then support each other and encourage other carers such as childminders or grandparents to follow the same rules when they're looking after your child. Our Taming your Tyrant feature is full of tips about dealing with a wilful toddler.
4. Listen to your child
It's all too easy as a stressed parent to refuse your child's requests without giving them proper consideration. We're anxious to stay in charge of the situation and often we're so used to refusing constant demands to buy them the latest toy or designer clothes, that reasonable requests get lost. But often a child's request is about him or her making a step towards independence and you can help her do that.
5. Spend time together
As adults we are often just grateful if our children are playing or watching TV so we can get on and do chores. But it's worth investing even just 10 minutes of play with your child each day. Let him or her choose what to play and you join in wholeheartedly. You may feel self-conscious at first but the rewards are worth it. Sharing a book together is another invaluable way to enjoy each other's company. With older children, sharing an activity they enjoy, whether it's playing a sport or shopping, will have knock-on benefits for your relationship, making it easier to tackle difficult issues when they arise.
6. Look after yourself
Sometimes you need to remind yourself that parents are people first. It can be easy to become isolated, particularly if you have pre-school children or if you are a lone parent. Going to a toddler group or after school activity with your child can give you a break and the chance to meet other people. Sharing child care by having a friend's child some time in exchange for a free afternoon can help you have time off without your child. Everyone needs time to themselves and it will help you fulfil all the other demands on your time. If you enjoy a leisure activity, such as swimming or dancing or simply meeting a friend for a chat, set time for this on a weekly basis if you can.
7. Look after your relationship – make time for friends
If you are with a partner, set aside time for each other. It may not sound spontaneous and romantic but, frankly, when you have children to look after, you need to plan time to be together. Organise a regular babysitter and go out and talk or just enjoy each other's company. It's also important to see your friends, especially if you're a lone parent. View this as money well spent rather than a luxury.
8. Talk to others
You'll be amazed to find so many other parents understand. Professionals too may help: your health visitor or GP may advise about a baby or toddler; your child's class teacher, head of year, learning support department or GP may offer support with older children. There are also organisations around that can help. Some offer general support, like Parentline Plus; others are more specific, which can be useful if your child has a particular condition. Our Problems and Pressures section lists relevant details for a variety of conditions and problems. Or check out our behaviour help feature for general information about the different types of help available to parents.
9. Take a break
It's easy to let your feelings of frustration build up to such a point that you are at your wits' end. If you feel like this, make sure your child is safe and take yourself to another part of the house and make a cup of tea or turn on the radio for 10 minutes until you feel calmer.
10. Get help
If you are worried that you might harm your child, try not to feel guilty – but think about who could help you. It may be that a grandparent or a friend could look after your child at short notice so that he or she is safe and you can have a break. Better still would be to have a regular arrangement so that you know you will get a break each week. If you have no one to talk to at short notice, call your health visitor and talk it over with her.
If you are really worried you might injure your child you can always phone social services (the number is in the phone book) and ask to speak to a social worker. They are available 24 hours a day. Social workers can provide support to you and contacting them does not mean they will take your child away from you. In fact, one of the main roles of children and family social workers is to try to keep children with their parent or parents, unless a child is at very real and immediate risk of being hurt or has been harmed. They will listen to you and can offer suggestions and support. You could also call Home-Start (see help and info below) who may be able to arrange for a volunteer to visit you and your child at home on a regular basis, which can be a lifeline to a parent isolated at home with young children. Our Home-Start feature gives more details about the scheme. The important thing to remember is that there is help available.
(March 2004 – resources updated December 2004)
Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.
