'I don't feel anything towards our new baby. Is this normal?'

Q: My girlfriend and I have just had our first child. I thought I would be overwhelmed with love for him but when my son came out, I felt nothing. The birth was by emergency caesarean so neither of us got to hold Thomas until 24 hours later. And when I did get to pick him up he seemed unresponsive. In films new parents are always overcome with tears of joy but I just felt tired and disappointed. Is it normal to feel this way? And what can my girlfriend and I do to ensure that Thomas doesn't suffer as a result?

Ian, 24.

our online advisors reply:

Hi Ian, thanks for writing in. It sounds like you are concerned about bonding with your baby. You were expecting 'love at first sight' and when this didn't happen you panicked – thinking that the moment had passed.

When experts talk about bonding, they're referring to the intense attachment that develops with the baby – a feeling that you would do anything to protect him – but these days it is not taken for granted that this will happen instantly. This wasn't always the case. In the 1970s a hypothesis was put forward that parents (particularly the mother) would have a better relationship with their child if they spent the first 16 hours of the first 24 hours of the baby's life in close loving contact. The bonding-at-birth theory left many parents feeling guilty and inadequate. Now it is accepted that, while some parents may be smitten right from the off, it is not unusual for mums and dads to feel relief or anxiety rather than ecstasy in the immediate aftermath of childbirth. One study found it took an average of two weeks (and sometimes as long as nine weeks) for parents to have positive feelings for their newborn. This isn't altogether surprising given that it will be many weeks before your baby starts to smile and fully respond to you.

It is also unrealistic to expect all parents to have immediate contact with their baby. In your case a caesarean prevented this. For others contact may be delayed because a premature baby needs special care or because a difficult labour has left the mother too exhausted to pay attention to the new arrival.

But parents who have several children – some born naturally and others who required more intervention and therefore received less close contact – say they love their children equally.

Parent-child bonds develop through everyday caring – soothing your child, changing nappies, bathing, cuddling, singing and playing with him. You may also want to hold him 'skin to skin' – in other words against your own skin when cradling him, or trying baby massage which involves plenty of eye contact and touching. Local branches of the National Childbirth Trust sometimes run classes. The website is: www.nct.org.uk.

However if, after a few weeks, you still don't feel attached to your baby, or you feel anger or resentment towards him, then it is important to speak to your GP or health visitor. If your girlfriend also remains indifferent or hostile then a doctor may explore the possibility that she has post-natal depression which can hinder the bonding process. For more information look at our article on postnatal depression in mind, or this question-and-answer feature in family.

Other useful websites include:

If you find these too geared towards women, try visiting www.fathersdirect.com/index.php – an online resource centre for new dads.

Also worthwhile is the SureStart website, giving information on family support schemes: www.surestart.gov.uk/aboutsurestart/parents/parentsinfo/.

I hope you find this advice reassuring.

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