life after birth: insider tips on life with your first baby

by Kendra Smith

life after birth | help and info

What did no one tell me about life after having a baby? The short answer? It's a 12-13 hour day, you're on call every night and it's a seven-day week. And the pay is a bit poor too. The long answer? Read on...

out of time

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Life after a baby means that you really don't have much time – who am I kidding? – any time for yourself. Here's a day in the life of my six-month-old son: six feeds, five or six nappy changes, dressed and undressed at least twice (more when your baby is known in his circles as Vomit Monster), bath time, play time, walk and stories. You also need to prepare food, wash up vomit, clean all their stuff – and that's before you even do one thing for yourself, like, er, sit down. Getting your legs waxed? Forget it until they're at school.

early days

But at least with a six-month-old there's some routine. Rewind to weeks one to six: I found these the hardest. At six weeks my midwife looked at me and said, 'You're coming out of the maze aren't you?' Yes, but I was still a bit lost. I think I had actually managed to get dressed when she arrived (3pm) and had even made a coffee. Getting out of the house took all day and some days I didn't even achieve that. Part of the problem is sleep deprivation which makes even boiling a kettle hard. Night feeds mean that you'll have been up two or three times, possibly up to two or three hours at a stretch to 'settle' the baby back to sleep. So here's a tip: always crash out when your baby sleeps during the day.

your body

Don't think that once you've given birth the blood and guts bit is over. You will still bleed up to six weeks later and you may have stitches in places you'd rather not think about. You can, if you wish to lose all dignity, hire something resembling an inflatable donut to sit on. Breastfeeding can hurt too (split nipples anyone?) but you can get lots of advice to make it easier and it is worth it in the end – mainly because the baby gets lots of useful antibodies. But, for some people it just doesn't work however much they try, or doesn't fit their lifestyle if they have to leave their baby with their partner or other helpers. If this happens to you, don't feel too guilty – the most important thing is that your baby thrives.

baby blues

I got a bout of these, around seven days after giving birth. But let's just look at the facts: crying baby (seemingly for no reason at times), no sleep, hormones all over the place, sore breasts, and going back to sanitary wear not seen since the age of 13. Is it any wonder I was in tears? Some women develop post-natal depression (rather than the 'baby blues' a week or so after giving birth) which is pretty serious, but treatable, so it's a possibility you and your partner need to be aware of.

babies don't come with instructions

This is a fact: you and your partner won't have a clue about your baby and how to look after him. Women are not born with an extra bit of DNA which explains which way round a nappy goes on. It's all trial and error. Which is why you need to think of those parents-to-be you meet at ante-natal classes as the lifeboats on the Titanic: hold on for dear life. They will be your mates and understand why you had to call at 2am about green poo (the baby's)/vomit/leaking breasts.

One more thing: babies cry a lot (especially if they have colic) but it does lessen by 12 – yes 12 – weeks; and you and your partner will catch each other neurotically checking to see if the baby is still breathing for quite some time.

bonding

A lot of tosh has been written about bonding. My experience was that this unknown little creature was delivered onto my stomach and rather than feeling waves of emotion, I simply felt waves of exhaustion. My partner took him just after I'd given birth because all I wanted was a rest and cup of tea (in that order). The whole bonding thing can take a while. Your baby will be a stranger to you initially and you have to get to know each other. There does come a point, however, and it comes at different times for each parent, when you'll feel overwhelming love.

and then there were three...

Don't expect happy families straight away. You and your partner suddenly have new roles and responsibilities to get used to – not just with each other, but with all your family members. He may be jealous that you spend so much time with the baby, and he'll worry about financial pressures. For women who were working it will probably be the whole identity thing (are you 'just' a mother?), which will be linked to your decision about returning to work or not. Your new role as mother can be so all-consuming that there's no time for anything else, including sex – certainly until your six-week check. But it does resume again, although it may never be quite the same. It certainly wasn't initially for me because I was so terrified of getting pregnant – so make sure you get contraception sorted. And no, breastfeeding isn't a contraceptive, although a baby sleeping in your room will be all you need in the early days. And go easy – a torn perineum (that's the area between your genitals and anus, I'm afraid) won't make you feel sexy. On the positive side, you'll see a new part of your partner which can be a wonderful thing. Organise some babysitting and go out. It will be stressful the first time – we went to two different pubs to get signals on our mobiles, drank our beers in record speed and were back home 40 minutes after we left. Hardly a night out but we'd done it.

To sum up? I love my son to pieces and he has brought a new and fantastic dimension to my relationship with my partner. But the best part about having him? Being able to sleep on my tummy again.

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.