stepfamilies

by Joy Francis

stepfamilies | help and info

First, here's a definition. Stepfamilies consist of married or co-habiting ('living together') couples who, between them, have at least one child from a previous relationship who either visits or lives with them.

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Stepfamilies have been saddled with a less than flattering image. In classic fairy tales such as 'Cinderella' and 'Snow White', we have been presented with wicked stepmothers and unpleasant stepsisters. The stepfamilies that feature prominently in television soap operas are usually characterised by arguments, fist fights and family breakdown. Perhaps this is why, in North America, the term 'blended family' instead of 'stepfamily' is gaining currency.

However, the reality facing stepfamilies isn't all doom and gloom nor is it clear cut. It is actually far more complex than these fictional characters suggest.

transformed families

Over the past 30 years, major transformations have taken place in family life. Traditional nuclear families – mother, father and 2.4 children – are no longer the 'norm'. About 40% of marriages now end in divorce, and remarriages for one or both partners have doubled since the 1970s.

According to the charity Parentline Plus, over 2.5 million children live in stepfamilies, or, to put it another way, stepfamilies represent 6-8% of all families with children. And around 85% of stepfamilies are formed after a relationship breakdown.

Learning to live within such a new family structure can dramatically alter the living patterns, self-confidence and emotional well-being of all those concerned.

ending and beginning

A potential obstacle to the successful formation of a stepfamily is how the parties have handled the end of the earlier relationship(s). An acrimonious divorce or separation can force a child to have divided loyalties between both birth parents, particularly when one or both find new partners.

Birth parents must never imagine that their children remain unaffected by what is going on around them, say the experts. It is important for the parents to take the time to sit with their children and explain as much as possible about what is happening and why. They also have to be careful about criticising their ex-partners in front of their children or using children as go-betweens.

Alex, aged 16, says: 'Every time I go out with my dad, he quizzes me about my mum and my new stepdad. I feel like a spy.'

Sometimes it is the birth parent whose loyalties change at their children's expense. 'My dad has a new wife. We don't go round to visit him because he doesn't want to see us,' says one youngster. 'We used to go every weekend and then it just stopped.'

now meet the children …

For potential step-parents, meeting their stepchildren for the first time can be daunting. Some overcompensate by trying to impress almost immediately, but children can pick up on laboured charm instantly. One stepmother, who tried to be perfect, says, 'I knew very little about children when I met my partner's children for the first time. I really wanted them to like me, and I prepared a nice tea for us all. They wouldn't touch it.'

Another stepmother adds: 'I feel like I'm treading on eggshells the whole time. I know it's hard for the children, but it's hard for me, too. I never seem to do anything right. I end up feeling exhausted and cross, and it's all really getting in the way of my relationship with my partner.'

Other flashpoints occur when step-parents have different attitudes to child rearing. This can be further amplified when the parties are from different cultural backgrounds.

Step-parents may try to discipline the children too soon. Alison, 15, says, 'My stepdad seems to think he can tell me what to do, but he hasn't got the right. He isn't my real dad.' It is advisable to build relationships with the children first, before trying to assert any authority over them.

Trying to present a step-parent as a substitute mother or father can create a serious crisis. A new stepmother admits: 'When your own child says: "I hate you, Mummy!", you can say, "Well, I'm the only mummy you've got and I'm doing my best." When your stepchild says: "I hate you and you're not my mummy anyway," that is something even the most mature person has difficulty coping with.'

Step-parents are not substitute mothers or fathers. But, according to the experts, they can be another responsible adult available to offer their stepchildren advice, support and a different perspective. One indication of this is that many stepchildren are happiest calling their step-parents by their first names.

The general advice when embarking on the formation of a stepfamily is to proceed with caution. Remember: it can take anything from two to ten years for a stepfamily relationship to settle. So don't try to take on the role of parent, and be careful and tactful in your relationship with your stepchildren.

being a stepchild

While step-parents can have it hard, it is also a challenge being a stepchild.

Many need to be given the opportunity to talk about their anxieties and grief over the ending of their parents' relationship. Of the 17,000 calls from children that ChildLine received in 1998/9, a large proportion concerned stepfamilies. Children can feel guilty about getting on with their step-parent and feel they are betraying their other birth parent who may be still recovering from the relationship break-up.

Alice, 15, reveals: 'It feels wrong when I'm having fun with Dad and his new wife, when I think of my mum by herself.'

Others feel isolated and lonely. Remi, 13, says: 'I think that Samuel [his stepfather] and his children are more special to my mum now.'

Rushing children into accepting their step-parents can delay their total acceptance of the new circumstances. An already stressful situation can be made even worse if the children are also faced with a move to a new neighbourhood, a new school, losing friends and seeing less of much-loved relatives. Pressure to be like their stepbrothers or sisters and sharing a bedroom with someone who is almost a stranger can cause children either to bottle up their emotions or to erupt in tantrums and arguments.

Those living in successful stepfamilies advise newcomers to find areas of common interest with the children. For instance, step-parents can offer to help with their homework. It is important to enjoy the children for who they are and let them get to know you, say experienced step-parents.

Persistence appears to pay off. A teenage stepdaughter explains: 'When I first met Michael, I didn't like him. But he treated me as his equal and I learned so much about life from him.'

lack of communication

Cheryl Walters, head of policy and research at Parentline Plus, is keen to challenge the myths circulating about stepfamilies, which focus on ogre-like step-parents and vulnerable and exploited stepchildren.

'Stepfamilies face similar problems to nuclear families and lone-parent families,' she says. 'The difference is that these issues become more complex and amplified because of the number of people involved. There are simply more people to consider.'

Parentline Plus has 10 call centres nationwide that answer 100,000 calls a year from concerned parents on a range of issues, including tackling problems between step-parents and their stepchildren. Subjects include worries about children's behaviour and step-parents feeling excluded or overwhelmed by the rest of the family.

A common theme is lack of communication. This, Cheryl Walters claims, is one of the biggest challenges to overcome. 'When stepfamilies first get together, there are sometimes unrealistic expectations. They avoid looking at particular issues such as the financial restrictions they face as a new family. Couples need to discuss what could go wrong and what they would do if they did. If the worse does happen, then they are prepared. If it doesn't, they will be pleasantly surprised. It is essential that they talk to each other.'

a sense of achievement

Although initially a struggle, getting the stepfamily to gel is worth it in the end, as some parents and children testify.

'It was really hard for everyone to start with, but now we've got past that, there's a big sense of achievement,' says a stepmother. 'We're proud of the family we've made.'

Another youngster sings the praises of her stepmother: 'One of the best things about having a stepmother is that you can talk to her about things that might be difficult to ask your mum. My stepmum isn't like a mum.
We have a different kind of relationship. But she's someone really important who cares about me and my dad.'

(July 2001, resources updated June 2005)

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