what happens when they split?

by Jamie Dibdin and Harriet Yudkin *

what happens when they split? | help and info

We have all heard that loads of relationships end in separation and divorce. But what do you do when it's your mum and dad that are going through it? You may have all sorts of questions and feelings about this new situation. Don't worry – you're not the first this has happened to. Here are some of the questions and feelings that young people have talked to us about when their parents have split up.

I just can't believe this is happening to me… I feel like I can't cope.

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Though we know they're a fact of life, divorce and separation always seem like they're something that happen to other people. When something really bad first happens, our first reaction can be to not believe it is happening.

This is a time of huge changes and it can feel all too much to cope with. Try not to worry about the future too much – just get through the here and now. Take one step at a time. Although it can seem like it's the end of the world, you can get through this.

To help yourself cope, try not to focus too much on why your parents are doing this, more about what is happening. Work out the practical stuff: where are you going to live?; if you have to move, how will you get to school?; what's the new bus route?; do any of your friends live near the new place?

Since my parents divorced I keep thinking I'm going bonkers: sometimes I'm dead happy about it, other times I'm so cut up inside and other times I feel like I just don't care… Am I normal?

It's normal to feel a whole range of emotions when your parents are breaking up. Young people say to us that they feel all sorts of things: angry, hurt, shocked, upset, guilty, lonely or worried. You could have these feelings even if your parents split up a long time ago. Coping with a separation can be really difficult so don't be hard on yourself. You might even feel happy or relieved, which is OK too. It can be a relief if your parents' relationship was difficult and there were lots of arguments. Having lots of changeable emotions does not mean that you are going mad.

I feel like it is my fault, after all the stuff I put them through.

Lots of young people say that they blame themselves for their parents separating, thinking if only they hadn't given their parents grief, everything would have been different. It can be really tempting to look for reasons why and even to blame yourself for their problems. All teenagers can be difficult at times, but your parents' problems are between them. Try to remember that it's not your fault: your parents are the grown ups.

Since my parents divorced my mum and dad keep saying bad things about each other. I just hate my mum as I feel like she drove him away.

Try not to jump to conclusions about who was 'right' and who was 'wrong'. Things often seem simple when they are happening and it can be easy to take sides, but real life isn't that black and white. Try to see both sides of what is happening to your parents. Be aware that this is a truly stressful time for them and try to give them some slack.

Try not to get involved in disputes between your parents. But it's OK to let them know how you're feeling and to tell them you don't want to hear them saying those things – you have a right to let them know. Pick a good time to talk to your parents about how you are feeling about them saying this.

I keep feeling like my dad compares me to his new step kids and that I'm not as good as his new kids.

Lots of young people say that they feel jealous and resentful towards their new stepbrothers or sisters, or towards any new children in the family. Try not to take out your feelings on the other children – it's not their fault that your parents broke up. If you can, try to get to know your stepsiblings. We're all different people with different qualities. Your parent caring for another child or children should not stop them from caring for you. In the future you may well appreciate having a larger family.

So what can I do to stop feeling so down about it all?

Look after yourself. Also, be there for your brothers and sisters. Through listening to and talking with other people we can help to sort out and understand our own feelings. But remember it's important just to talk – don't feel that you have to give them all the answers. Some people find it helpful to keep a diary as writing down how you feel can help to make sense of things and can make sure your feelings don't become too much.

Try spending time away from the stressful situation, rather than feel you always have to be there for one or other parent. Hang out with friends who make you feel good about yourself. Talk to your mates about what is happening – even if you don't want to go into details, it can help to know that they know what you're going through. To make it easier, think of a sentence that explains to your mates about what is happening, maybe something like: "my parents kept fighting so they are getting divorced".

If you can, talk to other young people whose parents have split up – it can be really helpful to feel like you're not the only one who's been through it.

If things feel like they're really getting on top of you, you could try talking to a counsellor or psychologist. Talking through how you're feeling can help you to feel better during difficult times and may help you to see things in a different light or to reach solutions that you may not have thought of on your own. There may be a young people's drop-in or advice centre where you could talk to someone, your school may have a counsellor or your GP should be able to refer you to someone, or call one of the helplines listed in help and info.

Try and plan things that you can look forward to. Try not to let it get you down – things often seem better in the future. Live your life.

*Jamie Dibdin is Child Psychologist; Harriet Yudkin is a sexual health and relationships adviser

(December 2004)

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