siblings

by Joy Francis

The press just cannot get enough of brothers and sisters, especially if they are celebrities. Whether it's Noel and Liam Gallagher from Brit rock band Oasis with their public feuds and bickering, or Serena and Venus Williams, facing nail-biting showdowns on centre court at Wimbledon, siblings are seldom far away from the tabloid headlines. But while their blood ties give them a special fascination in the public eye, their rows, rivalry and power wrangles are only magnified examples of some of the challenges facing brothers and sisters every day.

image to accompany feature
© Getty

distinct personalities

According to the British Association for Adoption and Fostering, at least 80% of the UK population have at least one brother or sister. Thrust together either from birth or in early childhood, they are expected to live harmoniously and love each other unconditionally, while expressing distinctly different personalities.

Despite being part of the same family, even in childhood siblings can feel like strangers to each other. They may not look alike, act alike or think alike. One may enjoy Batman comics, while the other may be knee deep in Barbie dolls. As they get older, feelings of loyalty, trust and protectiveness mingle with jealousy, anger and frustration.

Dougie, aged 12, explains the complex range of emotions: 'My little sister is important to me because I can sometimes trust her. She does get very annoying, though.'

pecking order

When there are two or more children, parents can often find themselves categorising each child according to their position in the family.

The oldest children may be profiled as the responsible ones, surrogate parents to the younger children. They are the ones who 'grow up quickly'.
The youngest children can be the spoilt, over-indulged ones who are encouraged 'not to grow up too fast'.
The middle children often walk an emotional tightrope between being ignored or perceived as difficult and being the dynamic, ambitious ones who set the competitive edge between the siblings.

Chacelle, aged 8, is the baby of the family. She has two older brothers – Tyrone, 17, and Jerome, 10 – and is the only girl. She admits that being the youngest has its perks. 'It means that my mum pays more attention to me. And when my brothers are out, my mum will talk to me more.'

The youngest of five girls, art therapist Philomena Francis, 32, has never managed to shake off the 'baby of the family' label. 'Being the youngest child means that you can be 55 and you will still be considered or introduced as "the baby" who was pampered, which isn't true,' she says.

Acclaimed American novelist Terry McMillan, who penned Waiting to Exhale and How Stella Got Her Groove Back, is the eldest of five brothers and sisters. In a recent Guardian interview, she revealed that, at the age of 12, she was cooking dinner for five, bathing her brothers and sisters, paying the bills and doing 'a lot of stuff a grown woman does.' She believes that explains why, as an adult, she is methodical, focused and hardworking.

labels stick

Matters become more complicated when siblings are labelled with particular capabilities or qualities by their parents. For example, a boy may be tagged the athlete and a girl the brainbox.

Susan Van Scoyoc, a psychologist who runs the Women's Practice therapeutic centre in Essex, reports that many of her clients have experienced being pigeon-holed as 'the pretty one' or 'the brainy one' in childhood, much to the detriment of the sibling relationship. This allocation of narrow roles often carries into adulthood.

These stereotypes and categories prepare the ground for the intense feelings of competition and conflict that can result in sibling rivalry. Research suggests that an age gap between children of two to four years increases the risk of this type of behaviour. And the gap is widening as women are having their children later in life.

usurped by a baby

A University of Michigan study of 80 second-time parents revealed that the relationship between mothers and their first-born children is commonly strained after the birth of second children. The relationship then goes into a steady decline during the first year following the birth.

It isn't easy for first-born children to find their unique position at the centre of their parents' attention usurped by the arrival of a new baby brother or sister. Rather than bond with the infant sibling, they sulk, refuse to share their toys and, as they get older, fight.

Consultant psychologist David Spellman believes that sibling rivalry is usually for 'parents' affection'. But he stresses that older children can be a source of great strength to their younger siblings in a way that is supportive of their parents.

protective bonds

Specific circumstances can present even more problems for relationships between siblings.

For instance, through fostering and adoption, unrelated children may become siblings of boys and girls from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds.

Paul Macey, a black 36-year-old journalist and director of a media consultancy, was adopted by a white family when he was under a year old. The eldest, he grew up with an Asian sister (who had also been adopted) and a white brother (the birth child of his adoptive parents). He says that the racial differences within the household seemed natural and normal as his mother regularly fostered black children. He adds: 'It was only when I got older that I realised that our family life wasn't the norm. Racism reared its ugly head at school and I had to be more protective of my younger sister.'

Disabled children also attract discrimination and may leave able-bodied siblings resentful of the inconvenience they cause or the extra attention they get. But not all is bad news. Andrea, 19, has a younger disabled sister who has changed her attitudes.

'I have a different outlook on life than many other people my age. I now understand that you can't take anything for granted and you have to be able to look for the positive … With Jennifer, there are negatives, but there's so much more that is good.'

what parents can do

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, argue that parents need to make their 'children think well of themselves', which will make them 'less likely to attack their siblings' and be more helpful to them.

Problems can also be alleviated if parents celebrate each child's differences. Comparisons such as 'Your brother could read that when he was five' should be avoided where possible because they can lead to low self-esteem.

When siblings fight with each other, experts advise parents to stand back and allow them to work it out between themselves – unless, of course, they are on the verge of killing each other! If you step in prematurely, the children may interpret fighting as a good way to get your undivided attention, when what they need is to be encouraged to resolve their own problems. Calling 'time out' and separating the children is a good method: set a timer to ring in a few minutes; when it goes off, bring them back together to work out a solution. Having to come up with ideas for how things should be sorted out gives children a clear message that they are responsible for their actions.

When the disagreement is between teenagers and younger siblings – say, over borrowing clothes without permission – the teenagers should be encouraged to discuss the problem instead of yelling. They need to be patient with their younger brothers or sisters, who may not know that their behaviour is annoying. The older siblings should explain clearly what is and isn't acceptable to them.

growing together

So when siblings grow up, how much do their relationships change? Research conducted by Professor Anne Woollett from the University of East London shows that adult sisters keep in closer contact with each other than brothers do. Our own interviewees seem to bear this out: Philomena Francis has been living with her older sister for nearly three years, while Paul Macey only infrequently speaks to his brother on the telephone.

But when it comes down to it, blood is thicker than water and forgiveness and love aren't usually too far away. As Charlotte, 13, says: 'My brother is important, although I don't say it because we're always fighting. But I don't think I could live without him.'

(December 2001, resources updated June 2005)

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