'My wife is stressed from caring for her mum. How can we get outside help?'
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Q: My wife's parents live with us and my mother-in-law has terminal cancer. My wife and her father are both caring nearly full-time. It is becoming overbearing, but they feel dedicated and that if they bring in outside help, they will be 'letting the side down'. My wife is very stressed, and the cracks are beginning to show. The same goes for my father-in-law. How do you bring in outside help so that they can get the rest they need? 'kalstras', 39. |
our online advisors reply:
The constant pressure of caring for a seriously ill relative can be incredibly stressful. It often gives rise to lots of conflicting pressures and feelings. The situation you describe, where your wife and father-in-law are unwilling to get outside help, is not unusual. Many people in their position won't accept support because they think it reflects a lack of love on their part. It can be heartbreaking for everyone concerned, including the person being cared for.
However, as your question suggests, it's really important that carers do make use of what help is available. Trying to cope without it can easily lead to serious stress-related health problems and affect other family relationships. Carers need to remember to care for themselves too.
We have a number of articles that it might be useful for you to read. The first looks at the issue of carers and stress. It includes some information about the different types of support that might help your family. There are also several features in this section about different aspects of caring.
Unfortunately – as some of these articles point out – it can be easier said than done to get the help you need. It's quite a complex area and I think it might help to talk about your individual situation with the people at Carers UK. They have a helpline on 0808 808 7777 (weekdays, 10am-12pm and 2-4pm). There is also lots of information – and the chance to contact other carers via an online forum – on the Carers Online website.
Another organisation that could help is CancerBACUP, which has a helpline staffed by specialist cancer nurses. The number is 0808 800 1234 and lines are open weekdays, 9am-7pm.
I hope this information helps you and your family decide what to do next. There is help out there and your wife and father-in-law won't be 'letting the side down' by accessing it. What's not clear is whether your mother-in-law is well enough to be involved in discussions and decisions about her care. Do remember to include her as much as possible.
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