'I want to meet my biological dad. How can I tell my parents?'
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Q: I'm coming up to 18 and I feel there is something missing from my life because I don't know my real dad. I've touched on the subject with my mum and found out I was the result of a drunken night's unprotected sex at a party, but she seems reluctant to tell me more. Since I was three, me and my mum have been living with another man and they got married ten years ago. He has raised me as his own child and loves me like his own. The problem is I still want to know who my biological father is, but I don't want to upset my mum and step-dad by suggesting this to them. Another reason I want to meet him is because he is black, whereas all the family I have grown up with are white, so I feel I don't truly understand my roots. I would also like to know if I have any half-brothers or sisters on his side. How can I go about breaking the news to my mum and dad that I want to meet him? Aron, 17. |
our online advisors reply:
This sounds like a really emotionally confusing situation. You are curious about your roots, and who your father may be, but you are also aware that this might be difficult for your mum and step-dad. This is obviously playing on your mind a lot and these feelings may get stronger.
There can be lots of complicated feelings for people involved in situations like yours. Have you considered that your mum may not know any more than what she has already told you. She may have no way of finding out where he is. How would you feel about that?
Even if your mum can help you find your biological father, it's possible that he might not want to meet you. If he does have a partner and other children, their views would need to be considered too. Have you thought about how you might cope if that was the case?
It's also worth remembering that this may be something that your parents haven't discussed together very much. It's possible that talking to them about it could have an effect on their relationship with each other, as well as with you.
It will not be an easy subject to bring up and it may take a lot of discussion and reassurance that your desire to learn more about your biological family does not mean you love your parents any less. This might be even more difficult for your step-dad than your mum. Explain how you are curious about your roots and how you need to know if you have any other relatives.
Try to be ready for all sorts of reactions. And be prepared to take things a step at a time. Your step-dad may feel angry and hurt, and it's important to let him know that he will always be your dad, even though you want to know more about the man who is your biological father.
When it comes to bringing up difficult subjects it can often help to talk things through with someone who's not directly involved. It can help you get things clear in your mind. The people at ChildLine are very experienced in helping young people in situations like yours. The number is 0800 1111 and the call is free, so it won't show up on the phone bill, even on most mobiles.
Your parents might want to have a chat with someone outside the family too. You could tell them about Parentline Plus, which has a helpline for parents on 0808 800 2222. Like ChildLine, Parentline Plus is open 24 hours a day.
What is important is to remember your parents love you and I am sure they will support you, no matter what happens. It might be hard for them to accept, and feelings may be very raw, but if this is something you need to do, you will have to speak to them about it at some point. Good luck, Aron.
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