holding it together: making marriage work

by Matthew Barbour

making marriage work | help and info

The figures speak for themselves. Two in five British marriages end in divorce, the highest rate in Europe, costing the British tax payer an estimated £15 billion a year with untold sociological repercussions. And it's getting worse. The Office for National Statistics says last year's 153,490 divorces was a rise of 12,390 on the 2000 figure of 141,000 – despite a drop in the married population. Why? ‘We're basically unhappy and dissatisfied,‘ pronounces psychologist Dr Susan Marchant-Haycox. ‘We've lost the structure of the main religions and to a large extent the support and control of extended families. There's a tendency for many people to be concerned only with their own happiness and gratification with little thought given for the feelings of others.‘

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The counselling group Relate, meanwhile, blames the surge in divorce rates on Internet websites such as Friends Reunited, which encourage old friends to meet up again. ‘The first relationships we have are often very powerful and if we're feeling miserable we may be tempted to go to Friends Reunited to see what an old boyfriend or girlfriend is doing now,‘ says spokesman Christine Northam. ‘With the Internet, people can make arrangements to have an affair much more easily than they've been able to do in the past. If you're feeling wobbly in your relationship you may look back to a more rose-tinted past.‘

Some critics point the finger of blame at the Government for stripping away the legal and moral authority of marriage, an example being the abolition of tax breaks such as the Married Couples' Allowance, meaning there are fewer legal and financial privileges for the married. Robert Whelan of the Civitas think-tank says, ‘All academic research shows divorce is closely linked to social breakdown and crime – the current Government seems to be expounding the growing belief that marriage is nothing more than a lifestyle choice, ignoring the damage divorce and the failure of family causes.‘ Last year divorces left 153,527 children under 16 in broken homes, many of whom go to live with their mothers in single parent families, where they are more likely than children from married families to do badly at school and to suffer ill health. ‘Crime and anti-social behaviour gets worse when families break down or fail to form and there are no fathers to instil civilized behaviour in young men,‘ Whelan says. So can anything be done to help marriages work better?

look around

In some cultures long-term relationships are much more likely to survive. We spoke to three matchmakers from different traditions to learn their lessons.

The Irish matchmaker

There were only 2,000 divorces in Roman Catholic Ireland in 1998, equating to a divorce rate of around 10%. Divorce was only legalised in 1996 after a narrowly won referendum, however.

Willie Daly, 56, lives in County Clare in the west of Ireland, and is known locally as the 'King of the Matchmakers'.

‘I took over the role of matchmaker from my father almost twenty years ago now. Men and women write to me from all over and I look in my book and see who might fit them. I get them to write to each other, or e-mail. It's a lovely, gentle way of meeting someone, that. I try not to think too hard about who to introduce to who, and I'm not after asking so many questions. Jobs and income don't have to be similar. Looks shouldn't be so important. I like to put people together who complement, but aren't identical. If a teacher marries a teacher, what are they going to talk about apart from teaching? The roles should be different. The man needs to feel like a king, a protector and provider. He needs to think he's wearing most of the trousers, even if he isn't. In bed we're a different species, and so we are elsewhere. The main thing to do is to match up dreams and aspirations. If people share the same dreams of life, want the same things, then the spark will be there.‘

The Asian marriage arranger

Over the past decade the number of divorces in the UK's Asian community is consistently between 15 and 20% lower than that of white marriages.

Parag Bhargava is a director at the Suman Marriage Bureau in Southall. Claiming to be ‘the largest Asian marriage bureau in the world‘, they arrange and facilitate marital matches for Hindus and Muslims all over the globe.

‘We provide a relaxed, 21st century version of the old-fashioned marriage networks that have now largely disappeared in our communities. Having personally interviewed the prospective client, bachelor or spinster, along with his or her family where possible, we run them through our computer system for a match, which can take six to 12 months. What we've found to be the main criterion for a successful match is family: they have to be suited. Although it's not impossible to find a match where the families are very different, where one father is a dustman, say, and the other a doctor, it makes it much more difficult. Having a similar family background means it's likely that the partners will share common values, outlooks, belief systems and expectations.

‘The client also has to be realistic. A ten-year age gap is about the biggest a marriage can take. It's best if the groom's slightly older, has the same or slightly higher professional status and earns more. We believe this keeps the woman's respect. Marriages based solely on looks are less successful. We run introductory evenings for single Asians where people get together in a more casual, Western environment. Here sexual desire, that instant attraction, is the main factor. Marriages based on these introductions tend to be less long lasting than those arranged through our more formal procedures. Physical passion isn't forever. Marriage is.‘

The Jewish shadcham

The number of Jewish divorces, or 'gittim', amongst orthodox Jews in Britain is around 200 a year: about 20% of the number of marriages.

Rabbi Barry Marcus is based at the Orthodox Jewish Central Synagogue in Central London. He explains, ‘There's an old rabbinical saying: 'Matchmaking is more difficult than parting the Red Sea'.‘ Finding the right person is indeed very difficult, but it's also desirable. Some traditional Jewish communities still rely on 'shadcham', or matchmakers, to find their child a proper spouse, who'll start by compiling a dossier on them, detailing prospects, interests, income and vital statistics. The shadcham will then seek out a suitable match, using his or her extensive knowledge of local Jewish families and their single children. The career prospects of the man are considered all-important. If the hunt goes well, a 'ketubah' – a kind of contract declaring an interest in marriage – is drawn up.

‘What we say is listen to your parents, but rely on your own discernment too. Don't listen too much to your physical needs. We say you should rise, not fall in love. Falling in love is mere lust, sheer madness. Yes, physical desire is important, a prerequisite perhaps, but it's not everything. Love should grow organically over time, along with respect. But these things have to learned! What amazes me about the West is that here you learn to do everything – to drive, to use computers – but you don't get training in the most difficult task of all: marriage. Once a couple's met and made a commitment to each other, we don't leave them to it, we have group sessions where people who are hoping to marry get together with other couples and talk. We find that couples learn a great deal from others' experiences and mistakes. Couples can learn that marriage is a privilege, that marriage is not something sad, it's not just settling down, giving up youth, something to reign yourself to. It's a precious thing – sharing your life with someone else.‘

do your prep – a Christian approach

‘It's better to put a little legwork in to shore up your marriage than to agonise over fixing it when things go wrong,‘ explains Harry Benson who runs marriage guidance courses for the Bristol Community Family Trust. He explains there are three key rules to helping prevent problems before they happen.

Spend more regular time with each other, away from the kids, TV, work or hobbies. ‘Without that no relationship will survive,‘ he says. ‘Growing apart is so easy to do because your energies are being diverted elsewhere so you only notice your marriage when it's going wrong. Consciously make time for your relationship and it'll work.‘

Be aware of subtle behaviours that eat a marriage away. ‘We call them STOP signs,‘ he says. There's Scoring points – you did this, I did this; Thinking the worst – he bought me flowers … what does he feel guilty about?; Opting out – closing down emotionally when the going gets tough. Face up to your problems and deal with them; and Put downs – all the way through from 'You moron', to 'Don't worry'. ‘As soon as you sense yourself approaching any of these situations, stop and rethink.‘

Value one another. ‘It's as simple as asking what your partner wants, from birthdays to how they want to spend their spare time – all you have to do is ask.‘

secret of success

A final perspective is offered by Professor Charles Hill of Whittier College in Los Angeles. He analysed the relationships of 231 couples from a Boston college over a period of 25 years, and found five basic, almost simplistic, rules for achieving marital success. They are:

– Don't pick up people from bars
– Don't date anyone much prettier or uglier than yourself
– Choose someone your own age
– Try to go for someone of roughly the same intelligence
– Have sex often with this one partner

Professor Hill claims that those who followed these rules appeared most likely to have high self-esteem and a good and stable relationship, long-term.

(June 2005)

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.