recovering fatherhood – how 'absent' fathers can reconnect with their children

by Tom Beardshaw

recovering fatherhood | help and info

Are you a father who has made choices that have left you absent in the lives of your child(ren) and now wants to rebuild a relationship with them? As the Channel 4 programme I Want My Dad Back showed, there are huge issues in front of you if you want to reconnect with a child that you haven't been close to.

© Channel 4

You'll want to think carefully about what you're doing and what you are committing yourself to. You'll have difficult emotions to deal with and you'll need to get some practicalities in place as you take on the responsibilities of fatherhood. Here's a guide to some of the issues that you'll probably need to deal with.

before you begin – understand where you're coming from

Some self-awareness will come in very useful. Here are some useful questions to ask yourself:

• Why you want to get back in touch with your children?
• Are you feeling guilty or angry about things that happened in the past?
• How committed are you to working through the issues you'll encounter?
• How much time can you commit to your relationship with your child?
• How much of your life will you need to change to become an active dad?
• What do you know about children their age?
• What will you do if they don't want you back in their lives?

If you're looking for some really positive motivation, think about your child and their future. Research shows that the more their father is interested and involved in their life, the more children are likely to do well at school, stay out of trouble and develop self esteem and healthier relationships as an adult.

Whatever you do as a father – whether you remain absent in their life or change things for the better, you'll affect your children for the rest of their lives – for better or worse.

If you can work through the issues and emotions between you and your child(ren) to recover a relationship with them, your love, approval, time and attention can have an incredibly positive effect on their life – and yours!

make a commitment that you're prepared to see through

It's important that you don't do this on a whim. It will be difficult and children can be easily and badly damaged by people coming into their lives unreliably and inconsistently.

Make sure that you're fully committed to seeing it through, no matter how difficult, before you take your first steps.

getting in touch

You may already know how to find them, and even have some contact with their mum or wider family, but if you don't you could use an online people search agency which can track people down for a small fee.

It's wise to get in touch with their mum or family and talk things through first. To successfully re-establish a relationship in the long run you'll need to find ways to co-parent with them, and talking to them first shows a respect that they will appreciate.

You may encounter scepticism and resurfacing feelings from the past. Be realistic and honest about your commitments and realise that others will tend to judge you by your actions, not your words.

when you first meet up with your child

Remember that whatever you imagine will happen, your child will have their own reaction and you can't decide in advance how things will go. Here are some tips:

• Play it by ear
• Let them ask you questions and be honest
• Don't try to tackle the big issues and emotions straight away
• Try to find out about them – their friends, interests, and hobbies
• Try to understand their feelings towards you
• Don't expect too much
• Before it's over, agree a future arrangement

You and your child could react in any number of ways, so be prepared for anything.

dealing with difficult emotions

You may encounter guilt, regret, anger and even rage – within yourself, in your child or their family. All of these can be difficult to deal with and you will need to be patient and committed to get through them.

Talking things through is generally the best way to deal with these and other difficult issues – it can be a good idea to have your own support network and a friend or someone who's outside the situation you can talk with.

some practicalities

Parenting is a huge responsibility and there are some practicalities you'll need to get in place, especially if your children are going to stay with you. Here are some recommendations:

• Agree and arrange a regular routine for your child(ren) to be with you
• Have enough good food at your place
• Make sure they have enough suitable clothes
• Buy the hygiene products they need such as toothbrushes, deodorant, shampoo
• Ensure your child has a suitable place to sleep
• Build a collection of toys and books with them

becoming a (separated) dad

If you've not been involved much with children before you'll have some serious catching up to do. Being a separated dad as well puts you onto a very steep learning curve. Some suggestions:

• Find out what children of their age need and how they're developing
• Get to know their world – their friends, school, favourite TV shows etc.
• Tread carefully with discipline – you'll need to earn their respect
• Be realistic about what you can do and what you promise
• Try to avoid battles about contact with their mum or family
• Read up on parenting issues
• Find a parenting course in your local area – call the government-funded ChildcareLink to find them
• Join a supportive community of dads – try locally or use the web to find a social networking site for dads such as DadTalk, Dads' Space and Odadeo.

looking to the future

Whatever happened in the past, you can only change the future. There are loads of parents who see their children for only part of the week, or occasionally on the weekends, or just a couple of times a month, and children can develop strong and close relationships with their dads that last a lifetime.

You can…

• help connect your child to their wider family – your family
• bring your interests, skills, networks and resources into their life
• give them someone to confide in that's outside their normal, every day life
• help them to feel loved, valued and important

Remember that we all tend to know our children as adults for much longer than we ever know them as children. Keep a long-term vision and remember that while childhood can never return and it's natural to feel some regret for what has been lost, with love, effort and commitment you can recover fatherhood and build a great future together.

(October 2008)

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.