mothers and daughters
by Katie Dixon
mothers and daughters | help and info
There are numerous potential disasters just waiting to happen to teenage girls. Every newspaper is full of reports on rape, underage sex, schoolgirl mums and classroom drug dealing – and then there's staying out late, boyfriends and low-cut tops... Three mums, Sandra, 42, Patrisha, 48, and Karen, 44, talk about the problems, pains and pleasures of their teenage daughters.
making it through the terrible teens
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Sandra says that in the last five months her daughter, Kim, 15, has changed beyond all recognition. 'Kim used to be a pretty, happy girl who was doing well at school. We used to chat all the time and go shopping together. We had a great relationship. Then she got in with a group of girls I really didn't approve of at all. She started smoking and dying her hair all colours of the rainbow. Now she stays in her room listening to music or is out with these girls.
'On the rare occasion I do see her she is sullen, uncommunicative and rude. She seems to have this permanent sneer and when I ask her what time she'll be back or where she's going she either ignores me or tells me to mind my own business. I lie awake at night worrying where she is and what she is doing. She just seems to do exactly what she wants and I can't get through to her at all.'
just a phase?
Kim has been playing truant from school as well, says Sandra. 'She hangs around the town centre with her friends instead of going to school. I've tried reasoning with her and telling her exams are so important for her future but it just ends up in a shouting match. She's a bright girl and I hoped she would go to university. I've taken away her pocket money and tried grounding her but she just carries on regardless.
'Nothing prepared me for this. I am praying that this is just a phase and she'll grow out of it. She's my daughter and I love her. I just don't like her very much anymore.'
talk it through
Peter Eldrid is the Deputy Chief Executive of Parentline Plus, which runs a freephone helpline for parents who need advice on bringing up kids. He says the teenage years are a difficult time in a child's development and that most parents are worried about safety, behavioural problems, education, sexual development, pregnancy, alcohol and drugs.
'Young people have to become independent and they need to challenge their parents, which leads to arguments,' he says. 'Isolation is a big problem for both parents and teenagers and they need to talk to someone.'
Eldrid advises parents to show an interest in their teenager's schooling, friends and hobbies but not to the extent where it becomes smothering. 'Communication is vital. Spend time listening to them. Try to compromise and be flexible to avoid confrontation and also make some time for yourself so you can relax and recharge your batteries.'
fair but firm
He says teenagers need boundaries to kick against, 'When you ask then to be home by a certain time they might groan and complain but the parent is showing that they care and ultimately the teenager will value this and feel secure. Above all let them know that you love them and are there for them.'
Patrisha's daughter, Kathryn, is 17 and Patrisha stands by the firm but fair school of parenting. 'I suppose I'm quite strict. I don't allow Kathryn to go out every night and she isn't allowed to sleep over at parties or at her boyfriend's house. Her boyfriend is welcome to visit our house regularly but he has to leave at 11 o'clock.
'We have arguments about staying out late and she always says all her friends are allowed to do what they want. P'raps they are but they don't live in my house. Some of her friends wear clothes that are far too short and low. I just ask her how she would feel if I went out looking like that. We usually manage to reach a compromise.'
always be there
Patrisha believes communication is the key to having a successful relationship with teenage daughters. 'I have always told Kathryn that no matter what she has done she should never be afraid to tell me. She knows I will always be there for her and that I love her. If she has a problem we try to work it out together. She's a lovely girl and the best thing about our relationship is that we are really good friends.'
Karen has two teenage daughters, Paula, 19 and Tracey, 17. Karen agrees that keeping the lines of communication open is essential when bringing up teenage girls. 'Above all I hate lying,' she says. 'When kids lie it means they are too frightened to tell you the truth. I like to think that if there is a problem they can turn to me. About two years ago Paula phoned me and said two of her friends were really drunk. She was panicking. They were paralytic and I drove them to hospital to have their stomachs pumped. They could have died if Paula hadn't known she could trust me. These days I allow them to have their friends round and I can keep an eye on how much they're drinking.'
sex at the table
Karen is also open about sex. 'When they had sex education at school we all sat and talked about it over dinner. I encouraged them to ask questions and we ended up discussing HIV and sexual diseases. Neither Paula or Tracey have felt under any pressure to have sex and they think girls who sleep with their boyfriends immediately are stupid.'
Karen feels that parents should know how to let go gradually and give their children some independence, 'I try not to shout. It's better to talk things through and treat each other with mutual respect. I worry about their safety. I worry about rape. But you just have to be flexible and go with the flow.'
(resources updated June 2005)
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