a good care home guide
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personal stories
- Jo's grandfather Jack had always been very fit and active but became rapidly disabled in his mid-eighties. Jo describes the practical and emotional impact of arranging his move into a home.
- Jack, 89, then explains in his own words how he coped with the transition into residential care and how it felt to lose his home, his independence and his mobility.
- Phillipa placed her husband, who had Alzheimer's disease, in three different homes before his death.
- Marilyn's frail mother lived in three homes before finding a good nursing home for the last two years of her life.
Jo's grandfather, Jack, 89, went into residential care two and a half years ago. Jo explains, 'He has settled well but is severely disabled, and it jars considerably with the life he used to lead.
'Jack had been a keen cricketer, a competent violinist, a prolific reader, and the survivor of a wartime torpedo. In old age he still drove a car and was chairman of a local cultural group.
'But at the age of 85, he started having trouble walking. A neurologist blamed a compressed nerve at the top of his spine and said he would end up almost paralysed and in a wheelchair. This came true and the decline was quite rapid.
'At first my grandma, Hilda, tried to care for him, but it was impossible. Home care assistants were supposed to help but they often failed to turn up and when Jack fell onto the floor neither my grandma nor parents could lift him. "Whatever happens, I do not want to go into an institution," he told my mum as they waited for the ambulance.
'But it was clear that things could not continue as they had.
'My grandfather was offered respite care. They day before he went in, my husband and father carried him into our house so he could celebrate my daughter's first birthday. It was his last occasion outside of care.
'Soon it became clear that although completely compos mentis, his physical needs were so great that he could not return home. But my grandparents were childhood sweethearts - this year they celebrate 66 years of marriage - they could not live apart.
'Fortunately, the local authority agreed and my grandma joined my grandpa in care. The home where my grandparents live is run by a charity. It is a residential rather than a nursing home but some of the staff are trained to deal with my grandfather's health needs such as trying to prevent pressure sores, and a community nurse visits him regularly.
'The level of care costs more than my grandparents pay but even so they have had to contribute and that has meant selling their house and using up their life savings.
'I believe my grandmother is happy living in an old people's home and my grandfather is grateful of the care but it is a relative happiness - not one that can ever match the glory days of family get-togethers with grandpa at the helm.'
Jack explains how he coped with the transition into residential care at the age of 86: 'I moved into residential care because I could not cope at home. My wife Hilda, who has had a hip and knee replacement, was struggling to dress me and help me onto the toilet. At night I was sleeping in a chair because I could no longer raise myself from the bed. I fell over a few times and on one occasion when Hilda tried to help we both landed in a heap on the floor. It was obvious that we could not go on as we had.
'When I first entered the care home it was to give Hilda a rest, but within two days I realised that going back home was not a good proposition as Hilda wouldn't be able to care for me. Psychologically, this realisation was very depressing.
'I saw it as a situation to which I was pretty helpless and the only way of coping was to stay here in care. It was a relief to know that I could be properly looked after. However, I was worried about Hilda. We have spent our whole lives together - we were even born on the same street. Knowing that my wife would be allowed to join me was the most positive thing about the whole experience.
'Hilda has settled in well - she attends art classes, gets books from the mobile library and helps the staff to arrange the flowers. I'm more restricted because I cannot use my hands. I find this terrible as I used to love writing.
Sometimes they have speakers and that is quite good and there are half a dozen other residents that we can talk to - but the rest do not have the full use of their faculties. They also have weekly entertainment but it's usually the same old songs.
'Having visitors is the most important thing for me - seeing my great-grandchildren is my absolute delight. I have lots of photos of my family on my wall. I look at them quite a lot and that makes me feel better.
'My physical limitations mean that I do not enjoy the way that I am living, but I accept that this is my home and there is nothing I can do about it. The carers are very kind and helpful and they deal with all my physical needs. I can't imagine that the care could be any better.'
Phillipa Barton placed her husband, who had Alzheimer's disease, in three different homes before his death.
'Many home managers lie,' she claims. 'They have glossy brochures that are wide of the mark and promise all sorts of things that aren't true.'
The couple running one of the care homes that Mrs Barton's husband lived in had said that they catered for residents with dementia. But, she says, within weeks they were refusing to take him out for walks and would lock him in his room.
Mrs Barton was told that her husband stole food and didn't want to eat when and where he was told to. The proprietress, who was qualified to run the home, then went on holiday for two weeks, leaving in charge her husband who had no idea. Mrs Barton decided that enough was enough and removed her husband from the home.
After a further failure in another home, Mrs Barton finally found her husband a place in a voluntary-sector care home. 'It wasn't perfect, but the staff were compassionate and I had total access to the manager,' she says. They listened to her complaints, took her husband out in his wheelchair and the food was good.
Marilyn Maguire's frail mother lived in three homes before finding a good nursing home for the last two years of her life.
'The first one seemed perfect,' says Mrs Maguire. 'It had a management committee of ex-counsellors and council leaders, but they had no idea what was going on. The food was appalling, the person in charge hadn't a clue, and the residents were given high doses of medication to keep them calm.'
Another home also seemed perfect - until the manager left and the place went downhill fast. Under the new manager, the staff failed to notice that her mother had had a stroke, even though she was unable to speak. And it was only after removing her mother that Mrs Maguire discovered that her mother's body was covered in bruises. 'She was totally unrecognisable,' she says.
(March 2006)
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