SEXUALITY | Q&A

1. I think I'm bisexual and would like to try having sex with a girl. Is this just a phase? Julia, 18
2. I'm not sure how to practice safe lesbian sex. Can you help? Charlie, 19
3. I have mixed feelings about my sexuality, and have fantasies about sleeping with women. Should I risk my relationship with my boyfriend for a short-lived fantasy acted out for real? Kirstie, 17
4. I've always thought I'm straight, but have recently been fantasising about other men. Is this normal for men of my age? Zane, 18

A: Hi Julia and thanks for your question.

You sound quite unsure about your sexuality at the moment. It's difficult for me to say if it is a phase you are going through – if you are heterosexual or bisexual. Just because you have recently found females attractive and arousing does not mean that you are bisexual, it means you are discovering your sexuality. Many people become curious about their sexuality and begin to question their preferences at some point in their life – this is quite normal. Some find it is something that they are never one hundred percent sure of.

Only time will tell you where your true feelings lie, and it may take a while for you to discover what your sexual preference is. All you need to know is that whatever you decide is okay. Check out Sex Bites: Sexuality or our feature on Being Bisexual for more advice.

If you feel it would help to discuss this with someone, you could try some of the organisations and websites in Finding Out More – Coming Out. There are people there who will understand fully what you are going through and who will be able to help.

A: Hi, and thanks for asking your question. It's great that you're out and thinking about you and your partner's sexual health. It's not something that's "silly". This is something a lot of young women will be wondering about because there is so little information on safer lesbian sex when you are at school, so why should you already know about it? The important thing is that you're making the effort to find out about it now. Lesbians tend to be forgotten, but there are some real risks of sexually transmitted infections.

The level of risk you face depends on the kinds of things you are doing when you have sex. Any sexual activity that involves vaginal fluids has the potential to be risky. The way to avoid those risks is to make sure you don't share vaginal fluids. When masturbating, don't switch hands between the two of you without washing them first. If you are using sex toys, don't share them unless you cover them with a fresh condom each time you swap. For oral sex, use a fresh dental dam each time. A dental dam is a thin latex-square barrier used to cover the vulva or anus during oral sex. Dental dams are available from some sexual health clinics and chemists. You can make these experiences more sensual by combining use of a dental dam with water-based lubricant, even a flavoured one.

If you are worried about having had unsafe sex, you can get your sexual health checked out at your local sexual health or Genito-Urinary Medicine (GUM) clinic. GUM clinics offer a free and completely confidential service. They could give you and your partner a complete sexual health check (and treat you if anything is wrong). Have a look at Finding Out More – Sexual Health, Contraception and Pregnancy for more information.

A: Hello Kirstie, and thanks for your question.

It is not unusual for people to have sexual fantasies about the same sex, and this doesn't necessarily mean that you are gay or bisexual. You are the only person who can make the decision about taking your fantasy further. You would have to think very hard about whether or not this is just a fantasy or if it actually is something that you would like to make real life.

You have said that you also have fantasies about your ex-boyfriend. This may be because you enjoyed being with him sexually and so you now like to re-live what happened. Again you are the only one that can answer the question about whether or not you would like to start the relationship up again. There must have been a reason for the relationship ending; do you think it would be wise or possible to start the relationship again?

You may also find it useful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Have a look at some of the organisations and websites listed in the Finding Out More section of this site, under Coming Out.

You really have to do what is right for you and if you want to explore your feelings towards women then you should, no matter what anyone else says to you.

A: Hello Zane, thank you for contacting us. It seems that you are unsure about the feelings that you are having towards other men and you want to find out more about your sexuality. It is understandable that you don't want to discuss it with your best friend yet as you yourself are not sure of what is going on. Once you can understand your feelings then talking to your friend will help you to make order out of what is going on in your mind. Maybe when you have read my answer and checked out some of the organisations and websites available to help you, you might feel like talking to your friend.

You are certainly not alone with this question. It is not uncommon for heterosexual men to have fantasies about male genitalia and about gay sex. This does not define their sexuality as gay and it is nothing to feel worried about. It is healthy to acknowledge your fantasies, as you are doing, rather than try to deny them. We are all entitled to our fantasies, and they don't necessarily mean anything. It can be a natural part of your sexual exploration.

If you would like to read up on some articles and information about sexuality then you can check out the information in Finding Out More – Coming Out, and Sex Bites: Sexuality.

I hope this has given you some leads to investigate the issues of sexuality further and that in time you are able to talk to your best friend about how you feel. Good luck for the future.