COMING OUT

by Simon Fanshawe

do you think you might be gay?

Sorry to be so direct because I know that thinking about this question can be a bit of a frightener, especially if you've never said the answer out loud. So for the moment, just think the answer inside your head, if that makes it easier. One thing you'll notice is that it feels like a really big deal the first time, but the more you say it, the less difficult it becomes.

This coming-out business sometimes seems rather unfair. Straights don't have to do it, so why should we? Straight people just assume that everyone is straight. Then they get hitched, have children, go to McDonald's and eventually slip peacefully away surrounded by their grandchildren and great-grandchildren... without passing Go, without collecting £200 and, in most cases, without going to jail.

Being gay, however, is a minority pursuit. But don't ever forget that, while there may be more of them than us, it doesn't mean that being straight is 'normal'... it's just very common. So don't worry. Being a gay man or a lesbian (gay women get an extra name all to themselves!) or bisexual isn't good or bad, right or wrong. It just is. But it does mean we do have to go through the very inconvenient step of dealing with other people's ideas about what we're like. And mostly that involves them assuming that we're straight, which we're not. So we have to come out. And put them straight on the matter.

So are you gay? Now there are lots of answers you could give to that... like 'Maybe' or 'I fancy the boy who sits next to me' or 'Girls make me tingle' or 'The secretary of the golf club makes my putter rise' or 'I don't really know' or 'Definitely' or 'Can't wait to find out' or 'I'm terrified even thinking about it'... OK, you could choose one of those but let's try a tentative 'Yes'.

feeling really bad?

If you think you may be gay, it might really get you down. And you might feel very frightened and very alone because you don't know what it means and you're terrified of what other people might think.

I can't say, 'Don't worry,' because you already are worrying. But I can say that you really must try to talk to someone about it. You are not alone in what's going on in your head. Many gay people feel terrible before they come to terms with who they are. This is not because being gay is bad but because society has not always been kind to us and often hasn't made us feel very welcome. But other gay people will and so will many, many straight people. So please get some support.

If you just want to talk to another gay person, try ringing your local gay switchboard, which will be listed in the phonebook. And in Finding Out More, there are the phone numbers of helplines where someone will be there for you, completely confidentially. Talk to them. Don't be beaten by these feelings of fear or depression. Try to believe in yourself enough to get to that phone and call someone. It'll be worth it.

do you want to tell anybody?

Now you've 'come out' to yourself. Good job! It probably doesn't feel that different. I mean, it's not like, now you've decided you're gay or lesbian or bi, someone's going to give you a gay card with an instant gay or lesbian identity. You don't have to like Kylie Minogue, get a frock if you're a man or a tractor if you're a woman. Gay people come in all sizes – white, black, Asian, Oriental, Eskimo, Native American... It's a big gay Tower of Babel out there with all cultures and all walks of life.

So don't forget that you're you, and now you've started to put the gay thing out of the way, you can get on with being just that. The only trouble is that you may find, when you tell someone else, they'll want to put you in a box. Resist this. Don't be a stereotype. Always stay true to yourself.

Now that you've opened up the possibility of following what you feel is in your heart, you'll probably want to tell someone. You don't have to, but if you do, here's a word of advice: not everyone you tell will think that Christmas has come! Some people will jump up and down at the news and think it's great, but others will think you're the devil himself, and a few – and we really love these – won't think it makes any difference at all. The most difficult thing about all this is that it's not always easy to predict how anyone will react.

So while coming out will probably feel like a great relief, it may also make you a bit tense for a while. You may feel apprehensive about telling the crowd you hang with because there may be guys or girls who you think may become aggressive about it. They may think it's trendy for pop stars, but they may not like you being gay. They may tease you; they may even try to hurt you. At work, you may worry that your boss will be nasty to you or deny you promotion, if you tell him/her. If you are the boss or the manager, you may worry that your authority will be undermined, that people will gossip behind your back. If you have kids, you may be frightened that being gay will be used by your co-parent or your parents-in-law – or even your own parents – to say that you're not fit to be a mum or dad.

These are the worst-case scenarios. All of them have happened, and as long as some people feel angry and hostile towards gay men and women, they will go on happening. But try to keep your head; don't let anxiety overcome you. In most cases, it'll be absolutely fine. You've just got to be a bit sensible in the face of this kind of stupidity.

First of all, think carefully about who you trust and just tell them. Get some troops on your side. Even if there's no trouble ahead, it'll make you feel good because the people who go on liking or loving you are the ones you will know are your real friends. If it looks like there might be a problem, give one of the helplines listed in Finding Out More a ring. They'll know exactly how to advise you.

As a general rule, don't just leap in. Be prepared. Try to think what people's reactions might be. And decide how much you want to tell them. For instance, you may not want to let on whether you've had sex, or who with or where. Don't say anything you don't want to.

And be gentle. Remember it'll be them, not you, who might have a problem about you being gay. So maybe try to drop a few hints first to test the water (boys – put a cherry in your pint; girls – start watching Ellen). Try not to bounce people into it. I mean, don't sit at Christmas lunch with all the family and say loudly: 'Can you pass the salt... to a homosexual?'

They are probably the easiest people to tell. Tell your closest and oldest friends first. They will probably feel very protective towards you. Of course, some may react badly. They may worry about being thought gay themselves and, I'm afraid, you may just lose their friendship. But on the whole, trust your friends. They will be your greatest allies.

If you're young, your friends may well just find your being gay kind of intriguing but reasonably ordinary. Don't expect fanfares – as if you're something special!

If you're older, you may be more nervous, if only because your friends have thought you're straight for longer. But really close friends may feel very proud and touched that you've chosen to tell them.

family

This can be a tricky one. Mainly because, by telling them, you will probably knock their expectations. For one thing, most parents expect to have grandchildren. Now, you may well one day have kids, but your average stick-in-the-mud grown-up doesn't tend to have that possibility in the 'gay file' in their brain.

Second, don't forget: you may be 15 or 25 or 55 but you're still their 'little girl' or 'little boy'. Parents don't find it easy to think about their kids having sex anyway, let alone having gay sex. They've heard all sorts of dreadful rumours and scurrilous, ill-informed gossip about what we 'do in bed' so they may be shocked. My suggestion would be to avoid discussing your sex life with your parents, whether you're gay, straight or in a religious order. It's none of their business.

Now, if you do want to tell your parents, try to be compassionate. They know far less about it all than you, and they may need time. You may want to write to them so that they have a chance to talk to each other first. Or you may want to sit them down and tell them face to face. Try not to make it a confrontation of any kind.

If they have found out already – because they've discovered your gay mags under the bed, or a neighbour saw you at the local gay pub or snogging your work mate, or whatever – and they confront you, your best bet is to come clean. This may be very frightening. In the worst possible case, they may really over-react and throw you out if you're living at home. Don't panic. I know that's easy to say, but do try to stay calm underneath the tears and the turmoil. Either find a friend to stay with until your mum and dad get back on their trolley. Or phone one of the helplines you can find in help and info and ask for advice.

Before you do any of this with your parents, you may find it easier to tell your brothers or sisters. There's no guarantee that they'll be Mr and Ms Hipster about it, and they might just freak out because you share a room with them, or it makes them think they're gay, or they think their friends are going to give them a hard time or whatever. Don't forget that you might be dealing with morons here. Who knows? But think about it. You should have a pretty good idea of what they're like. And don't forget that brothers or sisters who feel easy about you being gay can be a great help in calming parents.

what to do if your parents throw a wobbler

Well, we need to get them help. The best place is one of the parents' organisations, such as Parents' Enquiry, started by the wonderful Rose Robertson who is about 900 years old now and has been doing this since the 1960s. Her volunteers – all parents of gays and lesbians – can help you, and they can also talk to your parents if you like. Often parents can't cope because they're very religious. There is a lesbian and gay Christian movement and there is nothing, despite what people say, to stop you being gay and religious. In fact, in the case of many vicars, quite the reverse seems to be true.

In general, it might be good, before you tell your parents, to have a friend on standby, in case anything goes wrong. If your parents get violent or try to take you to the priest or the doctor, resist. They have no legal power over you to do anything about the fact that you're gay. Nothing will stop you being gay – because you are. And they probably just need calming down. But if you do need legal advice – and, remember, your parents have no rights over you – call your local gay switchboard.

what to do if your parents don't throw a wobbler

Celebrate and offer to rent them out to anybody whose parents aren't coping well. Seriously, if they are fine about it, they can be a huge help to others. You will find that, if your parents are known to have no problem about you being gay, other friends will come and talk to them if they feel worried.

what to do if you're ethnically enhanced – trad families can be a nightmare

In many of the minority communities in Britain, being gay can be particularly difficult because of the strong emphasis on traditional family and marriage. The family may be doubly important and very tightly knit because it can protect its members from the effects of racism. So telling your family that you're gay if you're Asian or West Indian might feel trebly difficult. You may end up feeling excluded from your own community.

However, remember that, even if it's really difficult for you, other people have done it before. There are groups of Asian and black gay people you can phone or go along to meet. Their experiences will help you. And who knows? You might meet someone. Then you can go back to your parents and tell them that you're gay, but the good news is that you're going out with another black guy/girl!

take it easy

If you're gay, you may be a fairy but coming out isn't a magic wand. Just coming to terms with your lesbian or gay sexuality can create problems in the short term. So take it easy. Don't expect some magical world to open up immediately. But, on the other hand, it will be a lot, lot, lot better than being trapped in a twilight zone of indecision in your own mind.

Coming out is not some cure-all for every problem in your world. Don't forget you're still the same person both sides of the line.

yahoo! I'm alive!

You're home free. Now the really difficult bit starts. You have to get on with the business of living and being as happy or stimulated or lazy or brilliant or stupid as you can and fulfill whatever your destiny holds for you.

There aren't any rules, but being gay can throw up problems that others don't have to deal with. These problems are mainly the result of prejudice from other people and you will have to find your own way of dealing with them. Things have changed enormously for the better in recent years, but we still don't live in a land where everybody gets sweeties and gum. And we probably never will. But remember one thing: being gay doesn't make you good or bad, right or wrong, happy or unhappy... those are just decisions you have to make once you've got used to being gay. So great good gay luck to you!

See Finding Out More – Coming Out for details of organisations, helplines and websites where you can find more support and information.