BEING BISEXUAL

by Melanie Ashby

During my teens, I went to an all-girls school, and never thought about sex. I had a female best friend, and we were close, nothing more. At university, I snogged a few blokes, then went out with a man at the age of 19. We slept together and it was fine.

A couple of years later, I became friends with a woman who I knew was a lesbian and one night we fell into bed. I was freaked out, because she wanted me to say I was gay – but I wasn't sure. Our relationship didn't work out (thanks in part to my uncertainties), but it made me think a lot about my sexuality.

I figured I'd never been 'straight as a die' and this brought me out of myself. Living in gay-friendly Brighton – and meeting other women who identified as bisexual – was the key, and now I feel at ease with the idea of fancying, having sex with, and loving both men and women. The main thing is to 'come out' to yourself.

it's not just a phase

Society – parents, teachers, friends, whoever – tells us that there's straight, and then there's gay. It seems much neater that way. Bisexuality is often thought of as a phase on the way to being gay, or as a form of sexual experimentation. It can be this but it can also be a mature sexual identity that you stick with through your whole life.

Some people (the famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud included) think that everyone is bisexual to some degree but that as we grow up, we are 'socialised' (convinced by society) to choose a love object of the opposite sex. In other words, we're brought up so we conform to the heterosexual or 'straight' norm. If we don't turn out to be nice and normal, we're gay, and that's becoming more acceptable too. Bisexuality, on the other hand, hasn't been so well understood, or tolerated.

I've fretted about what makes me fancy both men and women – but there's really no point; whether it's nurture, nature, gay genes or whatever, nobody has the complete answer to human sexuality. My idea is that there's straight and gay and there's a whole variety of sexualities in between. Some may simply fantasise, some may try it out. Most importantly, your sexuality is your own: everyone has different things going on, whether you're gay, straight or whatever.

It's different for everyone. The way I work, I can have a gay day or have a straight day. Or sometimes I go on a woman-bent for a month, while the next minute I might be turned on by a particular bloke. Fantasies and dreams can go either way too. When it comes to getting involved, it depends on the person – not the person's gender.

honesty's the best policy

The main thing is to be as honest with partners as you can. This does mean, though, that you have to deal with being 'queer' – and with all the stigmas attached. If you're afraid of having a same-sex experience, and you stay 'in the closet', it's not going to help your relationships. Experimentation is fine, as long as you make it clear what's in it for the other person.

Ultimately, you'll have to 'come out'. This can be a surprise for friends who've known you as either straight or gay – but they get over it pretty quick. I haven't told my parents yet, which I'm not happy about. It's something I'm working up to.

Sex-wise, being bisexual's a good deal for you and your partner... you can 'borrow' from sexual experiences with men and with women, learning how to give and get the best. However, as for people of all persuasions, remember safe sex, particularly if you're sleeping with different partners.

Finally, as you 'come out' you'll find others will tell you their experiences or fantasies. You may find yourself providing a counselling service for friends with bi urges. Respect those that insist they're fully straight or gay. That's the way they feel. But the way you feel is fine too. See Sex Bites: Sexuality.

is it true?

some people think…

Bisexuals have a ball, getting the best of both worlds, and a second-helping of sex life.

the truth is…

Being bisexual doesn't mean you fancy everyone, and bisexuals aren't constantly 'up for it'.

some people think…

It's okay to be gay (they're born that way), but bisexuals choose to be perverse, they spread the HIV virus with their indiscriminate sex lives, and they make a mockery of things such as marriage and the family.

the truth is…

You shouldn't pay heed to such nonsense. People like this always like to have a scapegoat.

some people think…

I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. Bisexuals aren't really dykes/gays/straight and they'll mess you about.

the truth is…

Being bisexual doesn't mean that you can't be monogamous, or that you will be looking 'the other way' all the time. That's just as likely or unlikely in any sort of relationship.

See Finding Out More - Coming Out for details of organisations, helplines and websites where you can find more support and information.