VIRGINITY | Q&A

1. I get a slagging from all my mates about being a virgin. What can I do? Spencer, 16
2. How do I know if I'm ready to lose my virginity? Sherie, 16
3. I regret not losing my virginity to my last boyfriend and I'm worried I won't meet someone special again. What's your advice? Beth, 16
4. I'm getting increasingly frustrated that I haven't yet slept with my girlfriend. What should I do? Matt 17
5. I think my boyfriend might only be with me for sex. Am I being paranoid? Lisa, 15

A: Hello Spencer, thanks for writing to us. I am sorry that you are having such a tough time at the moment.

In your question you compare your so-called "friends" to bullies. That is exactly what they are. I know it's hard, but you should try to ignore their bullying. When you choose to have sex, and with whom, is a very personal decision, which should not be influenced by these people. Sex isn't just about the physical activity – there are a lot of emotions involved too. You will probably enjoy sex a lot more if you wait until you feel ready to have sex, you're with someone who you can talk to and feel comfortable with, and you don't do it because of any kind of pressure – whether from your partner, your friends or anyone else.

You said that you wanted to break your virginity this summer so that you can say that you have had sex. It may be an idea to think about why you want to lose your virginity. I suspect that it is because you are being bullied into it. Having sex because you are being pressured into it isn't really the ideal way to do it. How would these so called friends know whether you have done it or not anyway? Do you really believe them when they say that they have had sex already? Sex shouldn't just be something that you do just to get it out of the way so you can say that you've done it.

I am very concerned that you tried to take your own life because of these people. You might find it useful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Have a look at the organisations listed under Finding Out More – Under Pressure. There are people there who can help you and give you advice. I hope this helps. Take care.

A: Hi, Sherie and thanks for your question.

This is a big question, and no one but you can tell when it will be the right time for you to have your first experience of sex. It's really good that you are giving serious consideration to the question, and not just jumping in.

It sounds as if you feel there are only two options:
(a) you decide you WILL have sex with your current boyfriend, regardless of whether you want to have sex with him or not, because he's 'desperate' and 'it's better to be in a stable relationship';
(b) you decide you WILL NOT have sex with your boyfriend and believe you will therefore 'lose him' and then you will lose your virginity one day when you are 'drunk, to someone you hardly know, who you might never see again'.

These are very extreme options. Are you sure they are the only ones available to you?

Choosing to have sex with your boyfriend because he wants to, despite the fact that you are 'not so sure', does not guarantee that you will remain in a stable relationship with him. You may stay together, or you may not. Sex is only one of many factors in a stable relationship (though it is an important one). Other important things might be: enjoying each other's company; sharing a sense of humour; being able to care for and support each other, both when things are going well and when they're more difficult; being able to talk about your feelings and be listened to; having shared interests, hobbies, friends, ambitions.

If it doesn't feel right for you to have sex with him at the moment, there is indeed, as you say, a chance you might regret taking such a big step. Every adult has the right to choose when to have sex and who with, and this should be a free choice, agreed to by both people. No one has the right to force you (physically or with any kind of emotional blackmail) into any sexual act that you do not freely agree to.

Are you sure that you will lose your boyfriend if you choose to trust your own feelings and do not have sex with him at present? You say you 'trust him and know he doesn't just want sex'. Can you talk to him about your feelings on the subject? Having sex is not only a matter of physical readiness, it also has a large emotional part to it. From your question, it sounds as if, though you say you feel physically ready, you're not yet emotionally sure if it's what you want.

I wonder what sexual activities you and your boyfriend have shared so far. There are many ways to give sexual and sensual pleasure to each other that do not go as far as having full penetrative sex: you can kiss, stroke, cuddling and massage or even try mutual masturbation (stimulating each other's genitals with your hands, mouths or tongues). Perhaps you need to build up slowly, getting to feel confident and at ease with each other's bodies, and learning what kinds of touch you both enjoy, before you go for full sex.

And, of course, if you do go ahead, you must use condoms if you have sex, as both a contraceptive and as a protection against STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). Check out the feature on Using Condoms in this website – don't leave this vital subject to the last minute to discuss. Otherwise, the chances are, in the heat of the moment, you'll both forget. A single act of unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

It is also possible to get pregnant if the man brings his uncovered penis into any contact with the outside of the vagina, as pre-cum (liquid that comes out of the penis before ejaculation) can contain sperm.

I hope this helps Sherie. Take care.

A: Hi Beth. Your problem may not be 'very big' but it also sounds like its very important to you. The main thing to remember is that there are no rules for when you feel you want to start having sex – especially for the first time. It is your body and only you will know when the time is right to do this with someone who is right for you.

If your ex-boyfriend split up with you because you would not have sex with him, then it might be a good idea to ask yourself if he thought you were special too. It can hurt a great deal if only one person in the relationship thinks the other is special. If you broke up for other personal reasons – then there is a good chance that you will meet someone else who will be special to you. If you both feel the same way and you feel you are ready for sex then you will be glad that you made the decision to wait for the right boyfriend and the right moment.

You may just have to be a little more patient, and 'he' may have to be a little more patient with you too if you need time to adjust to having a first sexual relationship. If it feels right – do it and if it doesn't – don't!! If you have sex with someone when it doesn't feel right then it might just end up seeming like it was just with any old person after all.

First sex can only happen once, and you sound like you want it to be a very memorable and caring experience. If you follow your inner feelings about this you may just make that happen for you.

Have a look at Sex Bites – First Time for hints on first-time sex that might be useful.

A: Thank you for your question Matt. First time sex is different for everyone and it really is a matter for discussion between two people in a loving relationship. Sex is not just about the physical activity – there are a lot of emotions involved too. If your girlfriend is not ready to have sex with you then you should respect her wishes. Sex is much more pleasurable and meaningful if it is something you both want.

Peer pressure can be a problem, and I am sure it must be difficult for you to cope with. But sex should be part of a caring relationship and should be an expression of your feelings. Talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, and give her a chance to express any concerns she may have. There might be a good reason why she is 'putting up her defences' as you describe, and with good communication you can try to talk through whatever issues she may have. Communication is vital when you are in a relationship and it can only help to bring you close together.

You should also think about what your reasons for wanting to have sex are. Do you want to do it just to impress your mates, for the pleasure and enjoyment that you hope you will get from it, or to be intimate with your girlfriend? Having sex for the first time is a major thing and I am wondering if you feel that you might be missing out if you don't have sex now. Have a look at Sex Bites: Consent for some things you should think about first when you're deciding whether or not to have sex.

Having said all that, if you do have sex, you need to make sure you have safe sex, to prevent unplanned pregnancy and to protect yourself and your girlfriend against sexually transmitted infections.

A: Hi Lisa. Thanks for your question. It seems that you are really having a hard time at the moment with people calling you names and knowing that you are sexually involved with your boyfriend. The fact that your boyfriend's sister is taunting you seems to be making you doubt yourself.

You say you are very insecure and are worried about whether your boyfriend is only in this relationship for the sex. It is very important that you feel happy with what you are doing and are not feeling pressurised into having sex with him. It is against the law for you to be sexually involved with your boyfriend and he could be prosecuted for having sex with you. The law is there to protect young people. Entering into a sexual relationship is an emotional as well as a physical experience and it can be very difficult to deal with all the emotions.

It is also very important that you are practising safe sex and using condoms to protect you from sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy. More information on this can be found in Sex Bites – Safe Sex.

You obviously love your boyfriend very much – could you talk to him about how unhappy you are with what is going on at the moment? You have been wondering if you now regret losing your virginity so early. It might be helpful to talk to a counsellor about the way you are feeling. A counsellor will listen, support and help you explore your feelings in complete confidence. Your school may have a counsellor that you can visit, or have a look through Finding Out More for organisations and websites that can provide support, advice and information.

I hope this has helped.