masturbation
'Wanking', 'tossing', 'jerking off'… Masturbation is such a source of amusement among young (and many older) people that many of us learn the jokey words for it before the technical term. But while some teenagers of both sexes will gleefully discuss it without a shred of inhibition, others find the idea of people knowing about their sub-duvet leisure activities mortifying.
© iStockphoto
The jokers aren't contributing much to a common understanding of the issue, but they're right – up to a point – not to feel embarrassed about it. There is, after all, nothing dirty, sinful or immoral about the manual excitation of the genitals for sexual pleasure (go on, say it aloud – it's quite liberating). In fact, it's a very natural way to discover and enjoy your sexuality.
Below are a few readers' queries and qualms about their engagement in the safest sex of all. We suspect that a few of your own fears, hopes and hang-ups on this rather, erm, sticky issue will also be addressed.
- Nic (13) wants to know what the term 'masturbation' means.
- Aaron (17) is worried because it takes him a long time to ejaculate when his girlfriend masturbates him.
- Steve (18) wants to have a masturbation session with a male friend and wonders if this means he is gay.
- Charlie (17) has agreed to masturbate her best friend, but doesn't know how to do it or if she needs anything for it.
- Terry (14) is worried about spots on his penis, and wonders if these are caused by masturbation.
- John (16) wants to know if girls will mind that his penis hangs to the left.
- Nav (17) can't get an erection when he wants to have sex with his girlfriend, even though he can with oral sex or masturbation.
Q: What does masturbation mean?
Nic, 13
Our experts reply:
When young people enter puberty (or sometimes before), they become aware of their sexual organs. Masturbation is the natural way of exploring your sexual organs and your awakening sexual feelings. Masturbation involves massaging your genital area to find out what makes you feel good.
The Avert website gives the following description of masturbation: "A girl usually masturbates by rubbing, stroking or squeezing on or around her clitoris. The clitoris is the most sensitive sexual part of a girl. A girl might touch her breasts too. A boy usually masturbates by stroking or rubbing his penis. Especially round the tip which is the most sensitive part. Masturbation is sometimes referred to as playing with yourself, or, especially with boys, jerking off, a hand job, or wanking."
If you want to read the rest of the article you can access the website by clicking on www.avert.org/sfeel1.htm.
More information on masturbation can be found at http://teenadvice.about.com/….
Q: When my girlfriend masturbates me it takes me a long time to ejaculate, and it has started to put her off the idea of masturbation completely. I do ejaculate after a while but it takes longer than usual (compared to her previous partner). Is this normal? Does this happen to a lot of men my age or is it just me?
Aaron (17)
Our experts reply:
There's no 'normal' length of time before ejaculation, so try not to compare yourself with others. Everyone is different, and when a couple start having sex it takes time for each partner to adjust to their new partner's likes and dislikes. Her previous partner may now be with a woman who thinks he comes too quickly.
You don't say whether it takes less time when you masturbate alone. If so, it may be because you know how to touch yourself 'just right'. It might be helpful to show her how you do it yourself, or explain to her by guiding her hands. Using some lubricant (water based if you use condoms) could arouse you further. You could try varying your position so that you can see her body from different angles, which can also be more arousing.
I don't know whether your girlfriend is 'put off' because she feels she is doing it wrong. If it takes you the same length of time to ejaculate with your girlfriend masturbating you, as when you do it alone, then let her know this. She may feel more relaxed and accepting.
She may be 'put off' because she feels self-conscious while waiting for you to come. Also if she's staring at your penis the whole time, you might feel under pressure to perform. Maybe you could try to stroke and kiss her, or masturbate her at the same time as she masturbates you. This way the focus might be on your joint activities and not just on your orgasm.
I've put links below to a couple of sites which might be of help. What about reading them with your girlfriend? This may help the communication between you, and that can only be a good thing. You may even find it fun finding out things together:
- www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships
/havingsex/performanceproblems - www.embarrassingproblems.co.uk/…
Q: I really want to have a masturbation session with one of my male friends. He is the only male friend of mine whose cock I wish to see. Are masturbation sessions normal for someone my age? How should I go about asking my friend, and does this mean I am gay? I don't think I'm gay, and this is the only male who gives me a hard on. Please help.
Steve (18)
Our experts reply:
It is perfectly normal to masturbate. It is also quite normal for young people to experiment sexually with members of the same sex. This does not necessarily mean that you are gay.
To find out more about exploring your sexuality you could look at www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships/sexuality/
exploration/exploringyoursexuality.
It is important to remember that sexuality and the way that we express it is a totally individual matter. So although you may feel attracted to the idea of masturbating with your friend, he may not feel the same way. Therefore it may be worth thinking about how your friend might react to your suggestion, and whether or not this would change your friendship in a way you don't want.
You don't say how long you have been friends, or even how close you are. This might be affected if, or how, you get on to the subject of having a masturbation session. I am also wondering if he has given you any reason to think that he may be interested in the same kind of thing.
Ultimately, whether or not you try to make what is at the moment a fantasy into a reality is up to you. It may help you to talk about how you are feeling. You can call the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 020 7837 7324. This is not just for people who are gay or lesbian, but is open for anyone to talk about any aspect of their sexuality. It is open 24 hours a day, but it is charged like a normal phone call to London and will appear on your phone bill.
Q: For some time now my friends have been talking about masturbation and saying that they are always doing it together. I still don't know what it is and just said I did so they wouldn't think I was stupid. Now my best friend has asked me if I will masturbate with her and, not thinking, I said yes. I am not a lesbian but I've always been attracted to women so I do want to masturbate with her but I don't know how to do it and if I need anything to do it.
Charlie (17)
Our experts reply:
Masturbation is a form of sexual activity involving stimulation of your genitals, usually with the hand. Done with another person it's called 'mutual masturbation'. Despite being surrounded by myths, masturbation won't transmit infection and, between members of the opposite sex, is unlikely to cause pregnancy.
Some people do it a great deal throughout their lives whether they're in a relationship or not. Some people never do it – and many people do it for periods of time or at certain times in their lives. Some people see it as a way of getting in touch with their body and the pleasure it can give.
Once you start doing it with someone else, whether same gender or opposite, you're moving into a sexual relationship of some kind. This could change your relationship with your friend and maybe needs some thought about whether it's what you really want to do, or whether you're doing it in order to be accepted.
Nobody should feel obliged to have any kind of sexual contact with someone else unless they choose to. Your body is your own and deserves respect.
Q: Hi. I have spots on the top of my penis which you can only see when I pull the foreskin back. They are about 1mm in diameter and there is about 10 of them. I also have bigger ones at the beginning of the penis by the ball bag. Is this a result of masturbation? Do I have a disease? Can I see my local GP without my parents knowing? Is this problem unusual for a boy of 14 years of age?
Terry (14)
Our experts reply:
The lumps you describe on your penis sound like something called penile papules. Penile papules are small lumps, about 1-2mm across. They look like pimples and are all roughly the same size and shape. They are in a row around the margin of the head of the penis, and can be seen when the foreskin is pulled back. In some men they are hardly visible at all, and in others they are quite noticeable. They usually develop in the teens. People often worry that they are warts or an infection, and pick or squeeze them. In fact they are perfectly normal tiny glands so they should be left alone. For more information check out www.embarrassingproblems.co.uk/lumpsmen.htm.
The ones you describe at the base of the penis and the scrotum could be either of two things: hair follicles or sebaceous cysts – both are normal. It is normal for the skin of the scrotum to look like the skin of a plucked chicken. This is because the hair follicles on the scrotum are quite far apart and prominent, while the hairs themselves may not be very obvious. Sebaceous cysts are swollen, blocked grease glands that look like yellowish pimples. They often occur on the skin of the scrotum, and there may be a dozen or more. The skin contains millions of glands that make grease to keep the skin waterproof and in good condition. The openings of these glands easily become blocked, so they become distended with grease. For some reason, the skin of the scrotum seems particularly susceptible to this problem. They are harmless, but if they become infected (red and sore) or you don't like the look of them, get them checked out by a doctor or nurse. For more information check out www.embarrassingproblems.com/lumpsmen.htm#scrotum.
None of these things are caused by masturbation. You can see your GP, but at 14 they are not legally bound to keep confidentiality. Providing the thing you describe is one of the above conditions, there would be no need for the GP to contact your parents. Generally a GP would want to speak to your parents if treatment were required or if they were concerned about something that is happening to you.
You could go to your local Brook clinic to get checked out. They offer a free and confidential service for young people (including those under 16) on all aspects of sexual health. Check out their website for your nearest office on www.brook.org.uk/content/M1_gotobrook.asp.
Q: Do women even care if the penis slightly hangs to the left? Is this a result of masturbation? My penis hangs to the left when not erect, and when it is erect!
John, 16
Our experts reply:
There's no need to worry. Penises come in different shapes and sizes. Some are longer, some are shorter, some are broader, some are narrower, some curve to the left, some to the right, some not at all.
Erection is caused during arousal by more blood flowing into the penis than flows out. However, 'erect' does not mean exactly straight as an arrow, hard as nails, at right angles to your body, and parallel to the floor. Each person's erection is unique as well.
Does your penis change at all when you are excited? Does it get hard enough to put on a condom? Do you experience orgasm and ejaculate when you masturbate? If all of your answers are 'yes,' then you don't have a problem – your penis seems to be behaving normally.
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, you should make an appointment with your GP or a sexual health clinic. For your nearest clinic, go to: www.ssha.info/public/clinics/locations.asp or www.multimap.com/clients/places.cgi?client=fpa2
As for women caring which way the penis hangs, its all a matter of personal choice but as I've already said penises are as individual as their owner.
Q: I have been with my girlfriend for four months and I've had sex with her about seven times. But recently, I haven't been able to have sex because of a problem. I can get an erection when it comes to masturbation and oral sex. But when it comes to having sex with her, my penis goes flaccid, stopping me having sex. What's wrong with me? It can't be to do with anxiety, because I've had sex with her before. It's really getting to me because I feel like I'm not man enough for her.
Nav, 17
Our experts reply:
You say that you have a good relationship with your girlfriend, and that you do not feel nervous around her. But there can be many reasons for not getting an erection, some of them being anxiety, stress, medication, and alcohol. When it happens once it is very difficult not to be anxious, and therefore it is likely to happen again until you break the cycle.
Do you remember the first time this happened? It may help to think about what was different that time from previous occasions when you had no problem with your erection. You know that you can get an erection, you have had intercourse seven times and you are getting erections when you masturbate and have oral sex. So you know that your penis is functioning.
Excess worry can affect your erections, so try to make your lovemaking as relaxed and as pleasurable as possible. You could try just taking it a bit more slowly and taking time to explore with each other what you both enjoy. It may help to not even try to have intercourse for a short while and discover ways of just really getting to know each other's bodies and ways of exploring each other's likes and dislikes. This way, the focus will be taken away from your inability to maintain an erection, and you can both relax enough to enjoy being intimate with each other. Communication is vital in any relationship and can only help to strengthen the bond between two people. Talking to your girlfriend may release some of the tension that must be having some effect on your relationship.
If this continues to be a problem for you, counselling may have a positive effect and it may well be worth exploring this as an option. You could speak to your GP about this. Maybe a medical examination would eliminate the possibility of a medical explanation.
It might also help you to visit the following site which has reassuring, clearly-presented information on erectile dysfunction, its causes and its cures: http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/…
If you've got any other questions, why not check out the following 4Health features:
Channel 4 is not responsible for the content of third party sites.
(September 2004)
