boy troubles

Any teenage males out there suffering from sex-related worries? Be truthful, now. If you are currently nodding woefully at your computer screen, welcome to the club. You're not alone – young men have been getting themselves into a sweat about the size, shape and behaviour of their rigging down below ever since early cavemen first realised it took two to tango. To make things worse, teenagers tend to think that none of their friends and schoolmates are suffering from the same fears.

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The simple fact is, the only abnormal thing about any teenager's body is its owner not worrying about it. Still not convinced? Then take a look at these real-life problems sent in by your fellow fretters, and if any of them are close to home – which they almost certainly will be - check out the advice from our panel of body-boffins...

Adam, 19, is concerned about being inexperienced and wants to learn how he can give more sexual pleasure to his girlfriend.
Jim, 19, finds that he is ejaculating prematurely when he sleeps with his girlfriend.
Matthew, 16, thinks he might have a phobia about condoms and wants help dealing with it.
James, 23, wants to know why he never comes during intercourse.
Pete, 17, has written to check that it's OK to masturbate to relieve stress.
Mikey, 17, is worried because he can't seem to have an orgasm with his new girlfriend.
Duncan, 15, is worried that it might not be normal for his penis to sway to the left.

Q: : I've been seeing a girl for three months. We'd been good friends for two years before and we've just started having sex. I was a virgin so I'm obviously not too experienced. I could do with some knowledge on how to pleasure her more and heighten the experience of sex for both of us – as in clitoral stimulation etc. Are there any websites or books you know of which could inform me better?

Adam, 19

It's great that you are in a strong relationship, where you can learn from each other. You obviously care for your partner, and would like to widen your understanding of sex.

Please remember that sex should be an enjoyable experience and takes a bit of practice. I am sure you are aware that you can't be an expert immediately. What sex you have depends on you and your partner's choices. This means that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it.

Feeling comfortable with who you are with can help you to feel more relaxed. It can also help to take off some of the pressure you might feel about sex.

If we respect our partners and ourselves, communicate with each other, tell each other our likes and dislikes, show each other how we like being touched, then the chances are we are more likely to achieve sexual satisfaction. It can help if we are unhurried and in safe and comfortable surroundings. If you follow some sort of set routine, or try to do things in a 'mechanical' way, this may not be very enjoyable for either of you.

Sometimes it can be a bit embarrassing to talk about sex and what you or your partner find pleasing. So trying things out in a gentle, exploratory way can be exciting, fun and even surprising at times. Please bear in mind that learning about yourself and your partner, can actually be one of the best parts of being in a relationship.

Some good websites covering many different aspects of sex can be found at:

Various articles on the clitoris, including clitoral stimulation can be found at: www.clitical.com

I hope this helps.

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Q: When my girlfriend and I are making love, I ejaculate quite early on (after only two or three minutes sometimes). It used to last much longer, over an hour at times. Why would such a change take place? How can I rectify the situation?

Jim, 19

our online advisors reply:

It is probably safe to say that lack of ejaculatory control is one of the main 'problems' experienced by men, so please don't worry about it.

Although ejaculation is a natural reflex, it can, to some extent, be controlled. If you do develop a control of the ejaculatory reflex then you will probably find that you can stop yourself ejaculating until you want to, whether you are making love or masturbating. The following website has got some useful information about ejaculation:

www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts
/prematureejaculation.htm

You may also find that the main reason that you are ejaculating quickly is because you are anxious about what is going to happen during love-making and then, each time it does happen, your fears are being confirmed. In this case, you may find it useful to talk to someone about it. You could talk to your girlfriend about your worries or you could get in touch with Brook. They have a helpline that you could contact on 0800 0185 023 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm) or you could go to one of their centres which operate a free counselling service and speak to someone face to face. You can find a list of their centres on their website at: www.brook.org.uk.

A good website that addresses all kinds of sexual issues is Go Ask Alice, and you can find it at: www.goaskalice.columbia.edu.

I hope this has helped, and please remember that you should always use a condom during sex, to help protect against unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.

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Q: I have some kind of weirdo phobia with condoms. I think it is because some dickhead blew one up and tied it and floated it around the bus when I was just starting secondary school. How can I approach this problem as it is really pissing me off? It's even stopping me getting a girlfriend!

Matthew, 16

our online advisors reply:

You say you have a 'weirdo phobia' with condoms and that this is stopping you getting a girlfriend. I'm guessing this means you find it extremely difficult, if not almost impossible, to touch, put on or wear a condom because of the feelings (perhaps of disgust, revulsion) that are triggered in you by the thought of condoms. Maybe it's the smell of them, or the feel of them, or whatever your associations with them are: you've been wondering if this may perhaps relate to the incident on the school bus.

Many people experience feelings of revulsion in relation to something. For some people it might be the feel of a peach skin, for others it's spiders, rubber gloves, creepy-crawlies or dogs. People can get 'phobic' about a huge variety of things. And you are by no means the only person to find condoms unpleasant things to handle and use. Unfortunately, phobias rarely just go away of their own accord. If the phobia is having a damaging effect on the quality of a person's life (as it obviously is for you), then help is needed to, over time, reduce the impact of the phobia and make it manageable.

As you are obviously aware, your willingness or otherwise to practise safer sex by using condoms is going to have an effect on your relationships, so it is going to be very important for you to sort this one out. In terms of protection for yourself and your partner from unplanned pregnancy and STIs, the use of condoms is really vital. The only real alternative option is the female condom, but most people find the male condom more user-friendly.

I wonder if you have tried, in privacy, slowly getting yourself used to the idea of having condoms around. Perhaps you could start simply by buying one, not even taking it out of the packet yet and just getting used to the packet being in your room, then in your pocket. When you feel able to, take it out of the packet and just hold it in your hand for a moment or two. Gradually increase the amount of time you are able to hold it. When you can manage this, try bringing it into contact with your penis for a brief time, gradually building up to putting it on.

Here are some organisations which may be of help:

First Steps to Freedom offer support to anyone affected by phobias or anxiety. Their helpline number is 0845 120 2916.
Triumph over Phobia run a network of self-help groups across the UK and have a helpline on 0845 600 9601.

You may also find it helpful to talk to someone in person and I would suggest contacting your local branch of Brook, an advisory service for young people about contraception, pregnancy and sexual health. You can find details of your local branch by going to the Brook website at: www.brook.org.uk and clicking on 'Go to Brook'.

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Q: Please help. I never come during intercourse. What could possibly be the problem?

James, 23

our online advisors reply:

This must be distressing for you. The first thing for you to know is that you are not the only person who is experiencing this.

There are a lot of reasons why a man may not orgasm and ejaculate. It may be physical, or it may be drug-related, (prescription or non-prescription), or it may be more emotionally based.

It is not your fault and it is not the fault of your partner. No one is to blame for your current sexual situation. It's important to try and take off the pressure so that the stress and frustration associated with 'having a problem' will dissipate.

It's important to be able to talk to a partner and discuss what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy. Everyone takes a different amount of time to reach an orgasm and it could be that you need more time. Try to concentrate on foreplay without having any expectation of reaching an orgasm. Take your time and have fun. Focus on the sensations that you explore with each other and take any pressure off to reach a climax.

If you felt that it would help, you could talk to someone in confidence about this. It might help you to resolve any feelings that you have and find a way of overcoming any blockages.

The British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy has information on sexual problems and lists of therapists on their website at www.basrt.org.uk or you can phone them on 020 8543 2707. The 'links' section of their website has a good selection of other sources of information.

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Q: Is it all right to use masturbation to relieve stress?

Pete, 17

our online advisors reply:

Yes it is all right to use masturbation to relieve stress. It can relax you and make you feel satisfied and if it is helping to relieve your stress and you enjoy it there is no reason to stop.

Masturbation is a natural act and nothing to be ashamed of. You might find the following websites useful:

I hope that this helps.

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Q: : I've had sex with two girls before and things went fine, but when I have sex with my new girlfriend I can't have an orgasm! Am I too nervous with her or is it 'cos she isn't any good, or what?

Mikey, 17

our online advisors reply:

There could be a number of reasons why you can't orgasm with your current girlfriend.

It may be that nervousness is responsible if you are feeling anxious with this new partner. The problem with this is that the more nervous or anxious you feel the more likely it is that problems will happen. It might help if you try to relax and chill a bit more. If you get too worried about this, it will make it worse.

It is unlikely that this problem means that your girlfriend is no good at sex. You could try talking to her about what's happening and sharing how you feel about this. Make sure as well that you don't rush sex. Take your time, get her to help and things may improve.

You don't say if you are able to get or keep an erection. If this is part of the problem, you may need to get checked out by a doctor to make sure that there is no physical problem that needs treating. You should also think about going to the doctor if you have any pain or discharge (smelly yellow stuff) from your penis.

If you don't want to go to your doctor you could ring NHS Direct. This is a confidential, 24-hour helpline staffed by trained nurses on: 0845 4647.

Other websites that might be good for you to check out include:

Try not to let yourself get really freaked out by this problem – there is likely to be a simple solution.

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Q: My penis always sways to left when both floppy and erect. Is there something wrong with it or is this normal for all males?

Duncan, 15

our online advisors reply:

Like other physical characteristics, penises come in different shapes and sizes. Some are long, some are short, some are broad, some are narrow, some curve to the left, some to the right, some not at all.

Erection is caused during arousal by more blood flowing into the penis than flows out. However 'erect' does not mean straight as an arrow, at right angles to your body. Each person's erection is unique as well.

Does your penis change at all when you are excited? Does it get hard enough to put on a condom? Do you experience orgasm and ejaculate when you masturbate?

If all of your answers are 'yes', then you don't have a problem – your penis seems to be behaving normally.

If you answered 'no' to any of these questions, you should make an appointment with your GP or a sexual health clinic. The Society of Sexual Health has a list of GUM and sexual health clinics in the UK and Ireland. To find your nearest clinic, go to www.ssha.info/public/clinics/locations.asp and click on your area in the list.

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