relationship woes
Whether you've been dumped by text, ignored after sex, or you're desperate to make a move on a mate, you can be sure you're not the only one having a relationship dilemma.
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Picking a partner – and sticking with them – is a tricky business whatever age you are. And when you're just starting out, relationships can really do your head in.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that being with someone is meant to be a positive experience. It should be fun and make you feel good about yourself. OK, so it won't be perfect romance every day – all relationships go through ups and downs – but if your partner is making your feel bad about yourself or not treating you with respect, it could be time to look again.
Our experts have been hearing from loads of young people about their relationship problems – from getting together, to keeping it interesting, first time sex to breaking up. Read on for some top advice on these issues and many more...
- Angela, 16, had sex with a guy after a party, but now he won't have anything to do with her.
- John, 19, is finding it hard to get girls to be more than just friends.
- Carly, 17, doesn't know if she's ready to have sex with her boyfriend.
- Paul, 17, has fallen in love for the first time, but the object of his desire doesn't feel the same way.
- Nat, 16, is concerned because her boyfriend doesn't like her friends.
- Amy, 19, is worried that her relationship has become dull, and her boyfriend talks about other girls.
- Leigh, 16, is nervous about having sex for the first time.
- Jason, 13, doesn't know if he's doing the right thing by going out again with a girl he dumped earlier.
- Anne-Marie, 17, asks whether she should have sex with a guy just to keep him.
Q: The other night I was at a party, I talked to this guy and then we kissed. After a while we kissed again but he began to masturbate me, which I enjoyed. Then he took me back to his place where we had protected sex, but now he won't have anything to do with me. I really liked him and I don't know what to do.
Angela, 16
our online advisors reply:
It can be very upsetting when we have feelings for someone that are not returned. And especially when, as in your case, you have had reason to believe that there could be a possibility of something ongoing. You don't say if this was your first time or not, but that too can make matters worse.
When you say that you don't know what to do, I am wondering if you are looking for ways to make him interested. I am afraid that we can't make people romantically or sexually interested in us; it has to come from them.
So perhaps the only thing that you can do is to try to move on and look for someone who will feel the same way about you as you do about them. In other words, someone who deserves your attention.
I know that moving on is far easier said than done. One thing that can sometimes help us to come to terms with things is to talk it over with someone. Is there a friend or relative that you trust and feel able to chat to? You could also chat to someone at ChildLine on 0800 1111. This is a free and confidential helpline for any young person to talk about anything they want to.
You can also have a look at an American website called Go Ask Alice that has loads interesting stuff on relationships. Go to www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/Cat8.html and see what you think.
Q: I find it really hard to get to know any girls better than being just friends. When I do end up with a girl I'm always drunk. I have plenty of friends that are girls, but that's all any of them are. How can I meet and get to know girls better than I am doing right now?
John, 19
our online advisors reply:
You are certainly not on your own in having difficulties with developing a relationship with a girlfriend.
It sounds like you do actually meet girls, but being drunk somehow interferes with any relationship developing.
As what you are doing is not leading to what you want, it would probably be a good idea to try something different. One thing you could do is look at the kinds of places you are meeting people. If these are pubs or clubs, you could consider drinking something other than alcohol. If you would like a relationship to develop, then for someone to get to know you, you would need to be yourself. You say that you have plenty of female friends. It sounds like girls do like you – but do you think that you are letting them know the real you? Communication is a very important part in starting a new relationship.
Of course there are other places to meet people, but this is your choice. What interests do you have? What could you do to develop these, or new interests? This could help to widen your social life and meet people you have things in common with.
You could check out our feature on chatting up. You will find some ideas for meeting people and on the sort of things you might say.
Q: I have been with a boy for three months. I know that he is ready for us to have sex but I do not know if I am as I am frightened in case I'm not at all what he thought I was like. He does appreciate that I wanted to wait and I feel I am ready but still have mixed feelings whether or not I should have sex with him.
Carly, 17
our online advisors reply:
It's great that you wrote in about your worries. I hope that I can help you to feel a little clearer.
Deciding when you feel ready for sex is a very personal and individual decision. Only you can make this decision and it is important that you only take the step when you feel that it is something that you want to do. It could well be that you need to spend more time with your boyfriend and get to know each other better. This is a very natural and vital part of feeling ready.
Having sex is a personal and private thing and it is very normal to worry about what the other person will think of you. You say that your boyfriend is prepared to wait. It's great that he is understanding that you need more time. Perhaps you could talk to him about your worries. Communication is very important in any relationship, including talking about your worries and anxieties. This is part of a healthy relationship and will probably bring you closer.
It might help you to visit the following articles which have information about virginity and deciding when the time is right to have sex:
I hope that this has helped. Take good care.
Q: I've fallen in love for the first time in my life. I thought this girl felt the same but she obviously doesn't because she went on holiday and found herself a new man! I confessed my feelings to her and she had nothing to say. She barely even wants to be friends anymore! How can I win her back?
Paul, 17
our online advisors reply:
You have asked how you can win back a girl that you are in love with. Unfortunately, if she isn't interested, there is very little that you can do. You have said that she had nothing to say after you confessed your feelings to her and that she doesn't want to be friends either. As she has treated you so badly you may actually be better off without her.
If this relationship is definitely over then should try and move on and meet someone who will be able to love you back. It can be hard to get over a relationship, especially when a lot of feelings are involved. You might find it helpful to speak to someone about how you are feeling. Have you got a friend or family member that you can speak to? If not, you might want to consider speaking to a counsellor about your feelings. A counsellor will listen, support and help you explore your feelings in complete confidence.
Your place of work or study may also have a counselling service in place that you can access. Or you could contact Youth2Youth. This is a telephone, email and online chat helpline run by young people for all young people up to 19 years old. You can call the helpline on 020 8896 3675 – it's open every Monday and Thursday from 6.30pm to 9.30pm, or visit the website at www.youth2youth.co.uk.
You sound like a very sensitive person and I feel sure that you will meet someone new soon.
Q: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. But recently I've become more friendly with people I knew when I was younger. The problem is, my boyfriend doesn't like them and now I feel as if I have to choose, which is too hard! I love my boyfriend very much and couldn't bear to live without him. Friends aren't everything; anyway I hardly know them. Help!
Nat, 16
our online advisors reply:
Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you are feeling? Does he know that you feel as if you have to choose between him and your new friends? Maybe talking to your boyfriend would help to sort out your dilemma.
If your boyfriend does want you to decide between him and them, then you are the only one who can make the decision. You would have to look at who is more important to you. You say you love your boyfriend, and if he loves you then you should be able to sort out this problem between the two of you.
It is important that in relationships the people involved should respect each other. Your boyfriend doesn't necessarily have to like your friends; you are the one spending time with them after all. Would he give up his friends if you told him you didn't like them? If you do love each other then you should respect each other also.
What would happen, for example, if you did choose your boyfriend over your friends, and then in another couple of months the two of you split up? Would you still have friends around you that you could turn to?
There is a website that gives information on all types of different issues affecting teenagers, and they have a relationship page that you might find helpful. You can find it at www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships/couples
/relationshipissues.
I hope this information has been useful for you and good luck with making your decision.
Q: : I have been with my boyfriend for about two months now. At first it was great, he spoiled me rotten and said the nicest things to me. Now our chats seem to be dull and he always talks about girls he's met in clubs with his mates. I asked him if he's had enough now that the chase is over (I wasn't interested for about a month). I've had this before in previous relationships and I'm scared he'll be off soon too.
Amy, 19
our online advisors reply:
It sounds like you feel as though your relationship has changed and you miss the way things used to be. It must be difficult for you, especially as your boyfriend is talking about other girls. You seem to think his feelings for you have changed. He doesn't seem as interested in you. He doesn't seem to be making much effort in the relationship. Clearly, this is making you unhappy.
It's good that you tried to talk to him about this. I'm wondering what his response was when you asked him if he's had enough. Sometimes men can find it difficult to know what they feel, let alone be able to put it into words and tell someone else. It may be that your boyfriend's feelings have changed but he isn't sure how to talk to you about it. He may just want to avoid a confrontation. It may be that he's feeling stressed about something else in his life and that's affecting how he is with you.
The key to a successful relationship is communication without blame. Relationships and feelings change, you can work together to overcome this providing that you both want to. You can't save a relationship on your own. If your boyfriend wants to go, it may be time to call it a day. However, he may want to stay and may need your help to do that. Perhaps you need to have a chat about what you both want from the relationship. If you want the same things then you may have a chance. If you want different things then you need to work out a compromise, or go your separate ways.
Whatever happens, it may be a difficult time for you. It may be useful for you to take a look at this website: www.scarleteen.com/relationships.
Don't forget to check out the sex and relationships section of our Sex site. There are several articles there that might interest you and be helpful.
Q: My girlfriend has made it obvious that she wants to have sex but I'm nervous because I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do. I think I'm letting her down and that she might dump me, can you help me by telling me what I'm supposed to do to have sex.
Leigh, 16
our online advisors reply:
It sounds like you are worried about having your first sexual experience. Everyone is anxious the first time they have sex – though lots of people don't admit it. Remember that sex should be an enjoyable experience and takes a bit of practice. You can't be an expert immediately.
It's not really possible to tell you exactly how you should have sex because this depends on you and your partner's choices. It also means that there is no right or wrong way to do it.
Hopefully you find yourself in a comfortable, trusting relationship, where you both feel that the time is right to move into a sexual relationship. Feeling comfortable with who you are with can help you to feel more relaxed. It can also help to take off some of the pressure you are feeling about sex if you are already in a strong relationship.
If we respect our partners and ourselves, communicate with each other, tell each other our likes and dislikes, show each other how we like being touched, then the chances are we are more likely to achieve sexual satisfaction. Sometimes it can be a bit embarrassing to talk about sex and what you or your partner finds pleasing. So trying things out in a gentle, exploratory way can be exciting, fun and even surprising at times. Please bear in mind that learning about yourself and your partner is actually one of the best parts of being in a relationship.
Some good advice about first sex can be found at: www.avert.org/sfeel2.htm. Some of the issues covered include: when are you ready, what position is best and will it hurt the first time.
You could also call Brook on 0800 0185 023 who provide free confidential sex advice and contraception to young people. Brook also publish booklet information that you may find helpful in explaining sex to you. Their website also has lots of information and is at www.brook.org.uk.
If you do decide to have sex, remember to use condoms as these will help prevent unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). You can find more information on using condoms and avoiding STIs at: www.ruthinking.co.uk/sex_facts/condom.aspx.
Q: I'm going out with this girl for the second time now. The first time was great. We went out, talked and got along really well. But when I dumped her, she was horrible to me. Then after two weeks, she asked me out again and I said 'yes', but I don't know whether that was the right thing to do now, and I don't know if I should dump her or not.
Jason, 13
our online advisors reply:
It sounds like you are really confused about what to do. You went out with this girl once and got on really well. However, you dumped her – and you haven't said why in your message. Now you're going out with her again you feel you might have made a mistake.
It sounds as if the reason you dumped her the first time hasn't changed. Maybe that's why you feel you might have made a mistake. Or maybe you are just having doubts. Going out with someone can be really confusing. I can't tell you whether or not you should dump her again. Only you can make that decision. All I can suggest is that you think about what you want. If you are happy when you are with her then perhaps it is worth a second try. If you are unhappy when you are with her then maybe you need to be honest and let her know that you've made a mistake.
It will be difficult and she will be angry and hurt, but everyone makes mistakes. However, to keep going out with someone you don't want to be with just because you are afraid to end it isn't going to make either of you happy. If that is the case, then you need to think about ways of telling her gently. It might help you to talk things through with someone first. You could call ChildLine free on 0800 1111 and speak confidentially to a counsellor. You could even rehearse what you want to say to her with the counsellor.
I hope this helps you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Q: I don't know what my problem is, but every boy I go out with always seems to be the wrong one because he is either more interested in his mates or in drinking or just wanting sex. Because I am a virgin, I don't want to give them sex after about two days, but they expect it. What should I do – should I have sex just to keep him or let him go because there are plenty more fish in the sea?
Anne-Marie, 17
our online advisors reply:
Having sex for the first time is a big decision and can be a very emotional experience. First sex can only happen once, and it is important that you do it with someone who is right for you, and who totally respects you as an individual. Someone who does not respect your decision to wait till you feel right is perhaps not someone you want to share your first sexual experience with.
It sounds like the experience you have had so far is of boyfriends who are not allowing you time and space to make a considered decision about this. It also sounds like you don't feel ready yet to have sex. No matter how much pressure you may feel, you should not do anything you are not entirely happy about doing.
When you do decide to have sex, you need to think about practising safer sex to reduce the risks of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your local Brook centre can provide free, confidential advice on contraception and sexual health. You can find your local Brook by going to their website: www.brook.org.uk.
Having sex with someone just to 'keep' them is generally a mistake. If someone is really interested in starting a meaningful relationship with you – based on mutual respect – they will be prepared to wait 'till you're ready to have sex. Don't be pressurised by any other approach. Check out Sex Bites: The Big Decision for good and bad reasons to have sex.
If you've got any other questions, why not check out the following 4Health features:
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(September 2005)
