jealousy
Sick of his clingy lack of trust? Upset about her past? Convinced that it'll all end with cheating and tears? Or perhaps you just resent the amount of time he or she spends with mates. Jealousy can take many forms – and none of them are too pretty.
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The harsh truth is, if jealousy is casting a shadow over your relationship, then either one of you is untrustworthy or one of you is insecure – or both. Either way, mistrust has a cancerous effect on a relationship and – like a cancer – need to be tackled before it grows.
A number of people have written in concerned about envy in their relationship, and the scenarios they describe below offer a good cross-section of the difficulties it can pose. The good news, as consistently comes across in our experts' responses, is that this is a problem that can be tackled head-on.
- Lorraine wants to know how she can control her own jealousy, which is affecting her relationship with her boyfriend.
- Mark's wife is paranoid that he will go off with another woman, because her other relationships have ended that way.
- Hannah wants to end her relationship because her boyfriend is too clingy and possessive, but doesn't want to hurt him.
- Mia is having problems in her relationship, and feels that her jealousy is making things worse.
Q: Hello. I want to learn to be in control of my jealousy. I've been like this for years and it stops me doing a lot. I'm horrible to my boyfriend thinking he likes everyone better than me, from people on the telly to my younger sisters, even my mum. It just takes a hold of me. I can't seem to rationalize my thoughts or actions. I know I'm a very insecure person, and would love to be happy and content. My dad was abusive to my mum and I think my low self-esteem stems partly from that but I'm an adult now and should be getting over it.
Lorraine, 21
A: Hi Lorraine. I am glad you felt able to contact us. It sounds like your jealousy is beginning to have a negative impact on your relationship with your boyfriend and you are not sure how to change these feelings. Jealousy usually stems from insecurity and lack of self-belief and can really destroy a relationship, because it is based on distrust. It is not healthy, for either of you.
It might help to ask yourself a few questions as to what is really going on when these intense feelings are happening. Do you trust your boyfriend? How confident do you feel about yourself? Why do you think he would like these other people better than you?
Relationships have to be worked at and open and honest communication is a major part of that. It is about learning to grow together and deepening trust rather than trying to control each other's behaviour. Have you got a friend or person you trust that you could talk to about this? It is important not to bottle up the emotions you are feeling. If you prefer to talk to someone who does not know you, you could call Careline. Careline offers confidential telephone counselling on 020 8514 1177 (Mon-Fri 10am-4pm and 7-10pm).
Self-esteem is based on the impressions you hold about yourself. These are based on your successes, your failures and other people's opinions, comments and actions toward you. Often we find ourselves struggling to believe we are valuable and this leads to low self-esteem.
To build your confidence you need to believe in yourself. When you hear negative comments coming from within, tell yourself to stop. You can change the way you feel about yourself by trying not to criticise yourself as much but praising yourself when something goes well. Try exercises like giving yourself three compliments every day. By focusing on the good things you do and the positive aspects of your life, you can change how you feel about yourself.
The following websites might give you a few ideas for building your confidence and self-esteem, and this should help you to bring your jealous feelings under control.
I hope this helps.
Q: My wife has always been very jealous and paranoid about me going off with another woman. All her other relationships ended that way. She tries to control me and restrict what I do because it makes her scared if I'm doing something that puts me in the limelight. She was also abused as a child. I have put up with this for three years now, and I feel that I'm being held back and restricted in who I talk to and what I do. Please can you give me some advice as to how I go forward? I am constantly thinking about leaving, but never pluck up the courage, or she does something nice to make up for her fears and her strop.
Mark, 26
A: Hello Mark. Thanks for your question. Being in a relationship where you are not trusted, or are feeling controlled, can be very difficult to cope with, especially as the mistrust is based on what happened in the past with previous partners. A good relationship needs to be based on trust. If your wife is unable to trust you, it is understandable that you are finding your relationship hard to live with.
You say that you are constantly thinking about leaving, so it seems that you are finding this situation more and more difficult. One of the most important parts of any relationship is communication – have you tried to explain how your wife's behaviour is making you feel, and that if you cannot work this out you are thinking of leaving? Have you tried to explain that it was her previous partners who were unfaithful to her and not you?
Your wife seems to be basing her current feelings on what happened to her before she met you. Maybe it would help if she was able to talk through her feelings with someone. She is also probably feeling very insecure if she has not worked through her feelings about the abuse that happened to her as a child.
Do you think that she would be willing to see a counsellor, who may be able to help her to work through all these negative feelings? Your GP should be able to arrange for some counselling. The main problem with this could be the waiting list, which could be several months.
Alternatively, she could arrange to see a private counsellor. There would probably be a charge for this, but there should be no waiting list, and many private counsellors operate a sliding scale of charges based on your income. To find a counsellor in your area you could contact either the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy or uktherapists.com. I have included links to both of the websites for you below:
Another option to think about is the possibility of having some counselling as a couple. Relate is an organisation that specialises in relationship counselling for couples. To find out more about Relate and relationship counselling, take a look at this article on our website: couple counselling.
I hope that this helps and that you are able to work through this difficult situation.
Q: I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly 7 months. I want to end it as I am not happy with the relationship, I think it's getting too serious. The problem is he is really possessive and clingy. He says he really loves me and he and I think it will hurt him quite a lot if I finish it. How can I let him down gently?
Hannah, 17
A: Hi Hannah, thanks for contacting us. It sounds like you're going through a confusing time. It can be hard when we are in a relationship that we are not totally happy with, and working out how to make changes that don't hurt other people.
A healthy relationship shouldn't hold either of you back from achieving your full potential and, although compromise is part of any healthy relationship, this isn't the same as putting your own life aside in order to keep things the same and not upset the other. This could lead to resentment and unhappiness further on down the line. You are both at a time in your lives when you are forming your futures and it is important that you both form ones that are true to you and ones that you will find fulfilling.
I think the most important thing for you to do is to talk things through honestly with your boyfriend. Talking things through and finding out how each other really feels and what you really want is the most positive way of moving forward. Although it can sometimes be hard, it's important to be as honest as you can be so that the solution you reach is the best one for you.
It isn't easy to break a relationship and if you do feel that it is right for you to end the relationship, there will obviously be a period of time that you will feel sad and lost. This is very natural and with time and the support of friends and family it does get easier.
The following feature gives information on what to do if your relationship is falling apart and gives tips on saying goodbye: couples on the rocks.
I hope that this has helped and that you find the best way forward for you both.
Q: Please help and tell me what to do about being jealous. My boyfriend has got a new job and suddenly has some new really close female friends (before all his friends were male). I trust him completely not to cheat on me but still feel jealous, particularly with one of them. He spends more time with her because we work at different times and find it difficult to have spare time at the same time. We have just overcome a load of problems we were having before that was causing a load of arguments to do with the way he treated me not very thoughtfully, and I don't want this to be another big problem. I have mentioned to him that I don't feel particularly happy about him spending time alone with her but I can't let him know how jealous I am really cos I think it would be the cause for more arguments. Please can u tell me what to do to stop feeling so jealous?
Mia, 16
A: Hello Mia and thanks for your question.
Relationships can be difficult and at times worrying. Yes, it does sound like you are feeling anxious and untrusting right now. From what you say I'm guessing that your anxiety has a lot more to do with the problems you're having in your relationship, rather than your boyfriend spending time with his new friends. If there were not any problems right now, I'm thinking that you wouldn't be so worried.
I get the sense that you don't see as much of each other as you used to, with you working at different times. And that that is causing strain. It's difficult when a relationship has to cope with a change like that. It could be that you are scared that you are growing apart. Only you know the answer to that.
It sounds like you could really do with talking to someone right now, and sharing some of these difficult feelings. You could call Careline on 020 8514 1177 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm, 7pm-10pm). They provide confidential telephone counselling for children, young people and adults on any issue.
Have you asked yourself why you are responding so emotionally? Maybe this is affecting your own self-esteem and maybe that needs some work? Do you feel insecure in other parts of your life? Jealousy only compounds itself and can get worse, causing you more stress in your life. If you are already feeling the stress of this on your life in general you could look at the wealth of information available in our Stress section.
The following website has an article on jealousy:
www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples
/relationshipissues/jealousy
I hope this helps.
(April 2004)
