three's a crowd

by Nick Scott

image to accompany feature
© iStockphoto

Two-timing hurts. Even if it's just a one-off bit of secret tonsil ping-pong at a party, when people with partners go elsewhere for some physical kicks, everyone involved can suffer. But slapped faces, slanging matches and emotional pain aren't the only fallout when a person plays away. In fact, infidelity raises a number of questions...

Why did that person stray from their partner in the first place?
What signs did the cheated party miss?
How should each of the three parties involved approach the problem, once everything's out in the open?

'all I want to know is why...'

Some common reasons people stray from their partners:

Low self-esteem Someone being unable to keep their tongue out of other people's mouths doesn't make them a confident love-machine – many people cheat on their partners to bolster a low opinion of themselves
Fear of lost freedom People of all ages can feel that a relationship is keeping them on a leash. For some, two-timing is a statement of independence
The thrill of the forbidden Did you, as a kid, ever get a thrill out of doing things you knew you shouldn't? It's human nature, and the threat of discovery raises the passion even more...
Lack of mutual satisfaction This is the toughest one to handle for the cheated party, but if the spark ain't there... well, it will be with someone else – and that goes for both of you!
Straightforward lust The sorry truth is, some people cannot confine their urges to just one partner. Popular wisdom has it that men find monogamy harder than women, but that's one for you to decide for yourself over time.

'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
(When Harry Met Sally star Billy Crystal)

'hey, you smell nice!'

A few of common telltale symptoms of infidelity:

He/she has suddenly become much vainer Does he/she only look into your eyes to check his/her reflection? And is that Eau D'Unfaithful you can smell?

'Monogamy [sticking to one partner] is fabulous. It gives you a deep and profound connection with another human being, and you don't have to shave your legs as much.'
(Sex and the City)

He/she has suddenly changed his/her tastes If your former indie kid has gone all R&B on you, probe... Same applies with books and films...
He/she starts accusing you of being unfaithful Attack as a form of defence – one of the oldest tricks in the book
He/she suddenly doesn't want to get physical any more Fact: someone who is two-timing you snogs like a dead fish
He/she is secretive about their mobile/e-mail account Cyberspace is the stray cat's ideal playing field (see unlucky 4 some)
Mutual mates start acting weird around you Do they know something you don't?
You're constantly looking out for all of the above The strongest indicator of all is your gut feeling...

Would-be cheats – don't take the following as a guide to avoiding detection: a lie is always waiting in the wings to spring, sometimes in the most bizarre ways (see twist in the tail).

'so what now?'

Advice for those caught in a love-triangle:

the cheat
First of all, was it a one-off, or just the only time you were caught? If it was a single incident and you know it won't happen again, chat to your partner and try and salvage this relationship, but not until you've thought about why it happened. 'I was drunk' is a lame excuse (go and look up the Latin expression In vino veritas) and wanting to know if you still had 'the old magic' is male-menopause territory. If you've been two-timing over a long period, you've got a careful choice to make: decide if you want your freedom more than a long-term commitment to your partner. If so, fine; then tactfully, sensitively, remove the shackles. And remember – some cheaters get more than they bargained for on the vengeance front (see tough justice).

the cheated
Chin up – you're the innocent party here. Talk to your partner – if they strayed because the relationship is misfiring, it's no failing on your part. Just a case of bad chemistry. Move on to exciting new pastures. The old 'heat-of-the-moment' excuse might hold some water, but if they've strayed more than once, they are either not getting what they need from your relationship or they have a problem with monogamy – at least, for now. If mutual trust can't be re-established, it's time to move on: but don't let what other people think be a factor in your decision.

'We have been through a lot worse that this, and we're definitely going to get through this.'
(Victoria Beckham)

the third party
Rebecca Loos and Monica Lewinsky made careers out of it, but face it – that's not going to happen to you. Deceit was never a cool or clever way to go about this affair, even if you've only struck a blow on an already sour partnership. If the relationship in question is no more, and you want to step into the breach, a healthy time delay might be less painful for all involved. Meanwhile the old saying, 'If they did with you they might do it to you' is cynical, but wise nonetheless.

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case study one – unlucky 4 some

Recent research found that nearly 90 per cent of affairs in Italy are revealed by mobile phone. And texting your secret squeeze can leave your dignity, as well as your relationship, in tatters. Rebecca Loos' steamy messages to Becks supposedly included the gem, 'You should see me naked with only a white cotton g-string.' Becks' alleged response begins, 'I love the sound of that cotton...' Meanwhile, a text message from Aussie spin bowler Shane Warne to an alleged mistress apparently began, 'What about i meet you somewhere in the open and you can be standing there in the rain i can come meet you in the rain and then...'

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case study two – twist in the tail

One straying housewife was recently caught out, even though she arrived home from her beau's love-nest before her hubby returned from work. As she complained to him of having not left the house all day, her wily spouse gazed out of the window and noticed that their pet cat was curled up contentedly on the car bonnet – something the fussy moggy only did when a recently-used engine had turned the bonnet into a hotplate for his personal warmth and comfort. The sordid truth came out in the ensuing conversation.

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case study three – tough justice

We all know that the emotional fallout of playing away can be severe, but beware, too, of material loss. When radio DJ Tim Shaw told Jodie Marsh on-air that he would be happily leave his wife and their two children for her, she sold his Lotus Esprit Turbo on eBay for less than a dollar. His loss was miniscule though compared to that of one Romanian man whose wife recently ripped off his testicles during an altercation over his faithfulness.

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Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.

(October 2005)