over and out

over and out | help and info

by Nick Scott

© iStockphoto

We've heard it in a million songs – breaking up ain't easy. Take a look at the true-life break-up case studies below and see if you can guess how each situation really turned out. You may be surprised at some of the results... But first, here's a few pointers for making the split as painless as possible.

advice for the dumper

Speak up Blowing someone out by SMS or email avoids that beetroot-faced confrontation, but it's pretty cowardly – unless you've only been together since assembly that morning.

Be gentle... A brutally honest split-up speech, in which you criticise everything from your partner's jeans-cut to their snogging method, will not only hurt your partner but also get you a reputation as a vicious axe-wielder.

...but not too gentle. Remember, they've got to go away from this realising that it's over.

Be modest You're breaking up with them because of all their imperfections? And how's the weather up there? Acknowledge how much immaturity or selfishness is a factor your decision, and admit any doubts. BUT...

Avoid clichés This is life, not Hollyoaks. Even in the heat of being dropped, anyone with a brain cell can see through cheesy gems such as 'Let's just be friends' ('Keep your hands off me!') and 'It's not you, it's me' ('It's YOU, buddy'). A break-up will be all the cringeier for a clumsy stab at tact.

advice for the dumped

Chin up Sulking is a slippery slope. Besides, if Mr or Mrs Right is lurking around the corner, he/she isn't going to find you attractive with a face like tenderised whale meat.

Listen to the clichés All those irritating things people are saying to you about fish in the sea and so on are actually true.

Don't blame yourself OK, it's straight from the Home & Away school of break-up cheesiness, but true nonetheless. Flow of emotion can play havoc with your rationality, and trying to pinpoint something you said or did wrong is futile and unfair on yourself.

Open up If you're thinking, 'I'll never trust anyone again' alarm bells should be ringing. What if a perfect partner from two years into the future could hear you now? Your judgement is clouded by pain right now – just keep an open mind and see how things pan out.

Skates on New interests, new friends – plus old interests and friends you've lost touch with for a while – can help you break out of that vicious circle of loneliness and depression.

what happened next?

The most important thing about this relationships business is that a split during your youth is usually the right thing in the long run. Take a look at these true tales of young love, and decide which of the three outcomes you think really happened.

case study one

Graham and Lucy met aged 16 when he moved into the area and started going to her school. After two years of flirty game-playing they finally got together at the school leaving party, and became inseparable, even choosing the same university to carry on being together. Four years later Lucy decided that the spark had finally flickered out. To Graham's devastation, they went their separate ways.

• Outcome A: Lucy quickly realised that her doubts were just a phase, and the pair reunited in a tearful fit of snogging. They now live in a semi-detached in East Croydon and have three children and a dachshund named Terry.
• Outcome B: The pair never reunited, despite many a close-shave (including a few beery, teary moments at mutual friends' weddings). Both are now settled and happy with other partners who they love, in spite of occasional fleeting 'What if...?' moments.
• Outcome C: Graham kept imploring Lucy for a reconciliation until she caved in, concerned about his mental welfare. Two years after they were reunited, he began to resent the years of 'lost youth' he'd spent with Lucy, and began a string of relationship-shattering affairs.

Answer: B
The moral? While the old saying 'You'll get over it' isn't always entirely true, a soured relationship in your youth is not going to overshadow your life forever.

case study two

Tanya first ran into Aron at a gig when they were both seventeen. For a while they dated, but handsome hedonist Aron's rock-star lifestyle of drugs and women soon took its toll on the relationship. Eventually, stability-seeking Tanya, although still besotted, kicked him for six. Aron initially saw the split as liberating and went on a guilt-free party binge, but then Tanya started seeing accountancy BTech student Brian...

• Outcome A: Fuelled by jealousy, Aron won Tanya back with a torrent of gushing speeches and empty claims of changed priorities. She buckled. Ten years later, they remain married but she checks for illicit texts on his phone at least three times a day, and Aron justifies this mistrust by regularly getting drunk at work parties and sleeping with his colleagues.
• Outcome B: Tanya settled with Brian, who agreed to wed her when he realised the impact a married-man's allowance would have on his tax bill. He was eventually imprisoned for bigamy, part of an elaborate Inland Revenue scam. It's always the quiet ones, eh?
• Outcome C: Tanya successfully tamed the beast, Aron quickly realising that he had to choose between his lifestyle and his relationship. Still happy together years later, they now laugh at Aron's former wild ways.

Answer: A
The moral? Relationships fuelled by motives such as jealousy or possessiveness won't go far. Oh, and going for opposite character-types to those who have hurt you isn't too bright either.

case study three

Neighbours and childhood buddies Matt and Zoe got together as soon as their hormones started bubbling. By the time they were 18, their parents were so concerned that the young couple weren't experiencing life outside each others' pockets that they funded a year out travelling for each of them – Zoe in Australia, Matt in South America.

• Outcome A: Two weeks after his arrival, Matt booked a flight from Buenos Aires to Melbourne and tracked down Zoe's hostel from a postcard she'd sent him. He discovered, from one of her room-mates, that she'd headed up to the gold coast with her new surfer-boyfriend Shane. Now both living in their home town again, they've not spoken in the five years since.
• Outcome B: Neither of the pair could go through with the parting, and Zoe even refused to board her plane. Five years on, they rent a flat together in a neighbouring town. Both are just beginning to wonder how youth passed them by.
• Outcome C: After some life-changing experiences abroad, Matt and Zoe came home several years wiser, if only a year older. Now back together and planning an extended trip around the Far East – this time together – the pair aren't the jealous types, and recognise that the experiences they had with other people while they were apart were necessary for their appreciation of each other.

Answer: C
The moral? Sometimes – just occasionally – troubled relationships do come to a soppy, Disney-style conclusion.

Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.

(October 2005)