chatting up: how to make your move
by Lynn Eaton
You've had your eye on someone for ages and want to get to know them better. But they don't even seem to realise you exist. It's going to be up to you to make the first move. But how?
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Getting talking to someone you don't know is always difficult and both boys and girls are going to feel nervous about approaching someone they fancy.
We asked Tricia Kreitman, agony aunt for Mizz magazine and vice-chair of Brook Advisory Centres, for her top tips for chatting someone up – and not looking stupid in the process.
Number one tip is to get them on their own: 'Approaching them when they are surrounded by their mates is best avoided,' she says. 'Both sexes – but particularly boys – find it really hard to respond in front of their friends.'
Here are her other tips for asking people out – and being asked out, too…:
top tips
- Before you start talking to someone, try to give them a few signs that you are interested. Try smiling at them. See if they smile back or blush. Have a sneaky look to see whether they look back at you when you have walked past.
- Next time, see if they make eye contact. Don't play it cool, as they may think you are not interested.
- If the signs are good, then say hi. If you get a response, follow up with something you'll both be interested in talking about. Ask questions that will encourage the other person to say more than just yes or no.
- Don't try to force the conversation around a subject you don't know much about. If you are trying to talk to a boy who you know supports Arsenal, it is no good starting to talk about last night's football match when you don't even know who Tony Adams is.
- Don't use friends to find out if a person is interested in you. It's always better going direct – and anyway, can you really trust them to keep quiet about it?
- Get the person on their own. If you do it in front of their friends and it goes wrong, you are going to feel even sillier!
- Everyone loves compliments. Say their hair looks nice or you like their new trainers – they may be a bit embarrassed but they will notice you.
- If you do get round to asking somebody out, it's much better to ask them to do something specific, rather than just asking if they will go out with you. If they say no, they are rejecting the event, not you.
- If you get invited out and can't make that specific date, just say you can't but would love to come some other time (if you would, that is!).
- If you have to turn someone down, try to do it gently. You don't have to be brutally frank (imagine it was you doing the asking!) but do be clear. Don't feel you have to go out with them out of pity.
- If someone you ask out says no, just say 'okay' and walk away. The person might have said no because they are embarrassed. But remember, you can't always get who you want!
- If you are too nervous to suggest a one-to-one date, then go out in a group.
- You are far more likely to get them to say yes if you spend a bit of time chatting to them first. But if you do have to come out with it straight away, then don't expect an answer immediately.
- Ringing the person you like then putting the phone down when they pick up really isn't a good idea, as it is annoying. Leaving anonymous text messages on a mobile can be annoying, too.
- E-mail takes the fear out of it, but make sure you know who else might read it.
- Girls and boys from backgrounds different to yours may have different attitudes to making new friends. It may be more difficult, for example, for a Muslim or Christian girl to have a boyfriend if her family is very traditional. If you are thinking of starting a relationship with someone who your parents may not approve of, seek advice from an older brother or sister or cousin.
- Remember, when you get talking to someone or ask them out, you are paying them a great compliment.
we've been there
Sarah, 15
'I've got my eye on a boy but haven't spoke to him yet. I sort of go to the places I know he will be and smile at him and give him eye contact. I will probably get my friend to go up to him and say I like him. There's a leavers' dinner coming up so I may ask him to dance there and see what happens.'
Paula, 14
'We go out on a Friday night as a group and there was one boy I liked. We were friends anyway, but my friend told him I liked him. He phoned me up, but said he didn't like me. I felt awful. I just cried. I suppose there isn't any really good way you can do it. But I wish he hadn't phoned, but told me personally.'
Faith, 15
'My friend got the mobile number of the boy she liked. She started sending prank messages. Like "Hello sexy, you don't know who I am" – all this sort of thing. I kept having messages sent to me, but I never found out who they were from. I think the boy was probably a bit shy.'
Liz, 16
'There is a club near us for under-17s and there are normally people walking around and just snogging and stuff, not bothering to talk. They just tap them on the shoulder and start snogging. It's quite scary actually. Sometimes I just push them away. I was once snogged by this boy and everybody was taking the mickey out of me as he's not very nice.'
Emma, 12
'I liked this boy in my class but had never told him. Then my friend sat next to him and I was worried she might make a pass at the boy. I want to tell him that I like him before my friend does. I rang ChildLine and after speaking to the counsellor decided I would tell him.'
Michelle, 16
'We are in year 11 and the boy I like has signed my leaver's book. He says he likes me but he is a bit shy.'
Annabel, 13
'Max and I have been very good friends for nearly two years. We have loads in common – we both play in the school orchestra. I want to be more than friends but I am scared that if I ask him out or hint at romance I might lose the friendship altogether.'
Sue, 14
'It's not very nice when someone you don't like asks you out. You don't know what to say. I went up to this boy who asked me out and said, "Sorry, I don't like you." He was a close friend, which made it harder.'
Nuala, 16
'It is important you don't suddenly change your attitude when you are around someone you like. That can be freakish. Act normal. But flirt.'
Jo, 15
'Most people meet someone at parties. You know people at school but you get off with them at parties. My friend got friendly with a boy and they used to send each other postcards. He sent her one which had tick boxes. He ticked that he would see her in his dreams. Then he had written "wet". She was really pleased with that!'
Eleanor, 15
'I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13, but there is a boy I am hoping to go out with soon. I do talk to him – he is in my art class at school – and we tend to flirt quite a lot. He smokes. That's disgusting. I tell him all the time. I play with his lighter, flicking it on and off.'
Catherine, 15
'My first boyfriend was when I was 12. It was really silly. I still hardly know him. We never spoke to each other. He just asked if I would go out with him and it lasted seven months.'
Robert, 14
'I've sort of got a girlfriend. I was at a disco and there were a lot of people dancing. I just asked her if she wanted to dance. I was just near her and I just said it. That was it. But that is probably not that usual. Yes, I'll probably ring her up.'
Angelo, 16
'If you are out in a group of friends, you would ask your friends to ask her. There's a group of girls I don't know that well. One of them has asked if I would go out with her friend, but I just said no.'
Mark, 15
'I don't have a chat up line. I don't think that many people use them.'
Jonathon, 14
'Mobiles are a big thing, especially text messaging. If you talk to a girl you can take a note of her mobile. That's good. But I don't have a mobile.'
David, 16
'My advice is don't try too hard. Don't be nervous. Be normal. Don't freak them out. If they like you they will talk back to you. If they don't, that will be it.'
help and info
Channel 4 is not responsible for the content of third party sites.
organisations
ChildLine
45 Folgate Street
London E1 6GL
Helpline: 0800 11 11 (Freephone 24 hours)
Textphone: 0800 400 222
The Line: a special helpline for any young person living away from home. This is the helpline for you if you live in a foster home or a children's home, if you're at boarding school or you've been in hospital for a long time. You can call The Line on 0800 88 44 44 from 3.30pm to 9.30pm on weekdays and 2pm to 8pm at weekends.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
UK's free, 24-hour helpline for children and young people. Trained volunteer counsellors provide comfort, advice and protection. Lines can be busy so please try again if you don't get through the first time. Young people can write to the following freepost address: ChildLine, Freepost 1111, London N1 0BR.
Contact them on any subject, including if you are worried or upset about asking someone out or having a relationship.
websites
BBC Teens
For boys
For girls
Straightforward but fun advice on what to expect when you're trying to chat someone up.
Internet Safety Online
www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=151&catalogueContentID=361&render=detailedArticle
How to be safe when you're chatting someone up (or they are chatting you up) online.
The Site – On The Pull
www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/singles/onthepull/chatuplines
Chat-up lines – a great way to meet the opposite sex, or an archaic custom to be locked away in Room 101?
reading
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Superflirt by Tracey Cox (Dorling Kindersley, 2003) |
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How to Pull Girls: An Insider Guide to Success with Women by Julia Bruni (Vermilion, 2003) |
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Women: the Final Frontier: Everything a Man Needs to Know by Robert Withe, Alan Fredricks and Denzil Lewis (Elliot Right Way Books, 2000) |
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(resources updated June 2005)
