body image and self-esteem

Hands up who's happy with their body? It doesn't matter where you ask this question – the classroom, the SU bar, even the gym – you're not going see too many arms waving back at you. Thanks to the media, we're constantly bombarded with images of 'beautiful people'. Their perfect bodies are on show daily – TV, magazines, billboards – and this makes them seem real, normal and attainable.

You might think it's just a problem for girls but there's growing pressure on blokes to look good too. Have you seen the abs on that Men's Health cover model? Being a teenager is hard enough, with changing hormones mixing up your moods and confusing your feelings, and when you hate your body too things can easily spiral out of control.

With 1.5 million people in this country coping with some kind of eating disorder, it's really important to talk about your worries. Whatever your concerns about your appearance, you can bet there's a heap of people sitting there hating the same things about their bodies that you do about yours. Our experts have answered a range of questions from guys and girls whose bodies were getting them down. Check out what they had to say by following the links below:

1. Jim, 15, is feeling depressed about his weight and the way he looks.
2. Becca, 13, is overweight but her size has never bothered her until she started getting bullied.
3. Stephanie, 14, feels that she is overweight compared to her friends and it is affecting her self-esteem.
4. Ben, 17 weighs less than he feels he should and wants to know how to put on weight healthily and safely.
5. Chloe, 15, feels that her weight loss has got out of hand and wants to know how she can stop hating her body.
6. Billie, 18, is worried that her boyfriend is getting really down about the way he looks and wants to know how she can make him feel better about himself.
7. Jen's dad teased other people about how they looked and as a result Jen has negative feelings about her own body.
8. Marie, 15, eats one meal a day but also binges on chocolate. She wants to know if she has an eating disorder.
9. Patrick, 13, wants to lose weight but he's finding it really difficult, especially because of his asthma.

Q: For about a year or two I have become really sensitive about my weight and appearance. I don't think I'm overweight or underweight, which is good, but I feel fat. Every time I try to talk to my mum or dad about it they just tell me to not be stupid and that I'm not fat or overweight. I know I don't look fat but I know I am underneath my clothes. I try to go on diets but my mum and dad force me to stop. I stopped eating for a few days but my mum clicked so I started eating meals in front of her but otherwise I just wouldn't eat. I try not to eat anything fatty or high in calories and stick to the low stuff but every now and again I just eat a choc bar or something. Afterwards I feel really bad so I'll miss a meal to make up for it. I know I'm not being healthy and that doing what I'm doing is wrong but I feel so fat and ugly. I just want to be slim like my friends. I've tried exercise but I don't get the time to do it regularly. I've looked at steroids and cosmetic surgery websites but I'm too young for any of it. I'm starting to get really depressed and I feel I need help, but I don't want my parents to find out.

Jim, 15

our experts reply:

It sounds like you are really struggling with your eating habits. The only way to maintain a healthy weight is to eat healthily and exercise regularly – not eat less. It is important not to crash diet as this reduces your metabolism and deprives your body of essential nutrients that are necessary to maintain your health.

You mention the use of steroids. These carry a lot of health risks and can have quite dangerous effects, including impotence, sterility and testicular shrinkage. The site below discusses these problems: www.kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/sports/steroids.html. It also has information on balanced eating if you click on the 'food and fitness' logo.

There are all sorts of reasons why people have disordered eating. It can often be related to feelings of low self-esteem/self-belief or to suppress painful feelings. It may help to try and work out what is going on for you when you can't eat, why you believe you are fat. Bodies are only one aspect of our individuality and is often useful to try and focus on other aspects to get a more balanced view of who we are.

One way of trying to improve a negative body image is to try and build up self-confidence. The following site offers information about body image and self esteem: www.thesite.org.uk/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/
bodyimageandselfesteem/buildingselfesteem.

Disordered eating can have very harmful consequences. Speaking to someone confidentially and getting some support can often help relieve some of the tension and eventually build up the confidence and courage to stop hurting yourself by not eating. The Eating Disorder Association operates a Youthline (for those 18 years and under). Call 0845 634 7650 between 4pm and 6.30pm, Monday to Friday, or 1pm to 4.30pm on Saturdays. You could also try a youth helpline. C.A.L.M is specifically for young men who are struggling with any aspect of their lives. It is open from 5pm to 3am daily on 0800 585858.

Hopefully, these will help you find the most appropriate support for yourself. It sounds like you want to challenge this. Please contact somebody. There are people who want to listen and help.

Q: I'm quite overweight but not majorly obese. My size never really bothered me till I started high school and started getting bullied. I have got really paranoid and hardly go out. I recently had glandular fever and haven't gone back to school and I don't want to. I spoke to some mates online but I haven't seen my friends who live near me for ages. The hospital joined me up to this club for overweight kids and I have been losing weight every week, apart from once, but I can't see that I'm losing any. I don't feel any slimmer and I'm worried that I'm going to end up really depressed. I just don't know what to do, it's a really weird situation to be in.

Becca, 13

our experts reply:

It sounds as if being overweight has been quite distressing for you, especially with the bullying at school. It must be really hard to get the strength to go back to school and face it all again. Have you told anyone at school about the bullying? They have a duty to protect you and to make sure that the school is a safe place for you to learn in. There may also be a counsellor at your school who you can talk to about how you are feeling. This may help you to gain confidence and feel happier.

If you'd rather speak to someone who doesn't know you about the bullying, there are a number of helplines you could call. ChildLine is available 24 hours a day on 0800 1111. The NSPCC free helpline is on 0808 800 5000 (24 hours a day) and receives many calls from young people about all sorts of things that are making them unhappy, including being bullied. In Scotland, ChildLine has a special anti-bullying helpline on 0800 44 11 11 (weekdays 3.30pm to 9.30pm).

It is really good that you are starting to lose weight with the club that you have joined, and I guess that it is really hard for you to feel slimmer because it will be coming off slowly and steadily, which is the best way to do it. You will start to feel slimmer in time, and you can tell from the scales that you are losing weight so try not to get downhearted about it. Also, as you are in a club, there is probably the opportunity for you to talk about how you feel and it may be a good idea to use this opportunity. There are probably other people who feel that they are not looking or feeling slimmer yet and it may help you to share this.

You are worried about becoming depressed and again it would be a good idea to talk to someone about this, either at school (if there is a counsellor) or through your weight club. I have put a link below to a web page about self-esteem and confidence, which you may find useful: www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health
/self_esteem.html.

Q: Help me. I am overweight, compared to my mates, and it makes me feel uncomfortable and ugly. I try diets and it does not work. I hate myself for being fat. I feel I would get asked out and have more friends if I was thin and I feel really depressed.

Stephanie, 14

our experts reply:

It sounds like your weight is really getting you down. It can be easy to feel low if we compare ourselves to other people. Different people are different shapes and sizes – some people are naturally thin and others aren't. Remember that thin isn't necessarily healthy. What's important is that you find a weight that's within the natural range for you.

For an indication of whether you are within the healthy weight range for your height, have a look at this web page: www.kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/dieting/
weight_height.html.

Body image is a term that is used to describe how we feel about our physical appearance and our bodies. It can often relate to feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence. It sounds like you are really unhappy with your body image. It can be really difficult to be content with our own bodies, especially as we are constantly bombarded with images in the media telling us about the 'perfect body'. These images are generally unrealistic for the majority of the population.

You feel that you are overweight compared to your friends and believe this is affecting whether people fancy you. Puberty involves so many changes in your body and your emotions that it can really affect how you feel about yourself. It can feel like you have no control over what is happening and it is difficult to be confident about what you look like. It is natural to compare yourselves with your mates, but don't forget that we are all individuals and come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Try not to let other people get you down, and please try not to hate yourself either. Everyone is different. Some people are slimmer than others but that doesn't make them better people. You don't need friends that only see the outside or judge everyone on their dress size.

Often people think that if only they were thinner then they'd feel good about themselves, and life would be different. But remember that people's weight changes, yet what's inside them doesn't change. If you build your self-esteem on the qualities inside you, then it's possible to feel good about yourself whatever you weigh. The following article about body image may and self-esteem may be helpful for you: www.scarleteen.com/body/7ways.html.

As you are worried about your weight, learning to improve your eating habits and exercising regularly may help. It's important to remember that losing weight healthily doesn't mean eating less but eating healthier foods. The main thing is to take it slowly – don't try crash dieting or suddenly running a marathon!

Q: I weigh two stone less than I should. I feel uncomfortable with how I look. What foods will help me put on weight safely and healthily?

Ben, 17

our experts reply:

It sounds like you are very concerned about your body image and it makes you unhappy not to have a particular body type. It can be really difficult to be content with our own bodies, especially as there are so many pictures of the 'perfect body' on television, magazines and advertising hoardings. Men often equate muscle with masculinity and can become obsessed with increasing their bulk in order to feel good about themselves. It is important to remember that our bodies are only one aspect of who we are as individuals – it's best to try not to base all our self-esteem on how we look.

Many male teenagers are thin because of the hormonal activity going on, and find that they can eat what they want without gaining weight. Developing good eating habits now, to encourage increasing your body mass but not body fat, may help you to feel better about yourself. It's difficult to say precisely whether someone is the right weight for their height. Our bodies are all different. Your ideal weight depends on other things too, including your body shape, sex, and what proportion of your body is muscle. Even your age can have an effect, especially for people in their teens who will be growing fast.

One way to get an idea of whether you are about the right weight is to work out your Body Mass Index (BMI). This next site looks at weight problems for men generally, including being over- and underweight and how to work out your BMI: www.thefitmap.com/mens_health/index.htm.

Or have a look at this page to read about the issues around fitness and increasing body mass for young males: www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_body/beautiful
/gain_weight.html. It is important to realise that there is a difference between fat and lean muscle tissue. In fact most people need to gain lean muscle tissue. It is important for you to eat well to maintain your health and body mass, so it is great that you are looking at your diet. A balanced diet of carbohydrates (55%), protein (25%) and fat (20%) will help, especially if you are doing workouts to build up your body.

If you are worried about your weight it is a good idea to visit your doctor, who will be able to look at your medical history, weigh you accurately and take into account the individual factors affecting your weight.

Q: I have been watching what I eat for the last four months and after about two months I got all serious about calories and counted them in everything I ate. I can't seem to stop and now I have lost two stone in weight and my periods have stopped. My friends are like just stop it and eat normally again, but it's too hard to give up something I have been doing as routine for two months. I try not to go over 1000 calories a day. I look in the mirror and all I see is this fat reflection staring back at me. How can I stop my self from hating my body? Please help.

Chloe, 15

our experts reply:

It sounds like you are really struggling with your eating habits and your dislike of your own body. Your strictness with your food intake is beginning to cause you harm and it is all getting out of control. You are not sure that you can stop hurting yourself because all you can see about yourself is fat. These feelings are often associated with anorexia, which is often a way of coping with negative and painful feelings.

It can be really difficult to be content with our own bodies, especially as we are constantly bombarded with images in the media telling us about the 'perfect' body. These images are generally unrealistic for the majority of the population. If we compare ourselves with these, it can sometimes reduce our self-esteem to the point where we start actually hurting our bodies by constant dieting, or starving in extreme cases.

Most people are unhappy about some part of their body, but for some this can end up being the overriding factor in how they feel about themselves as a whole. How we feel about ourselves can really show in the way we treat and carry our bodies. This in turn will affect how other people see us. The more comfortable you feel about your self, the more confident and attractive you will appear.

If everything is getting too much for you then why not talk to someone about how you are feeling? Have you got a family member or friend that you could confide in? If not, is there a teacher or learning mentor in your school that you could talk to? Does your school have a counselling service you could access?

You could also try talking in confidence to a young people's helpline. There are people who will listen and understand what you are experiencing. The Eating Disorders Association provide information and advice on all aspects of eating disorders. Their helpline number is 0845 634 7650 and there's a website too: www.edauk.com.

Q: I've been with my boyfriend for over two years now and I love him more than anything else in the world. The thing is recently he's started to get really down about his weight and the way he looks. He is not that big, and it's never been a problem with me. It's just he sees himself as being bigger than his friends and he seems to get depressed about it. I try to compliment him when he looks nice and tell him he's gorgeous but it doesn't seem to work. How can I make him feel good about himself and help to develop some self-confidence so he can learn to love himself the way I love him?

Billie, 17

our experts reply:

You sound very concerned about your boyfriend. This has started recently. I wonder if you are aware of any changes that have happened for him recently which may have affected his self-esteem like this.

Height and weight are the two things that can particularly worry young people. And it sounds like you are encouraging him to think about things he likes about himself and the way he looks. Also, remind him that his body is changing and will keep changing. He may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor about the way he is feeling. A counsellor will listen, support and help him explore his feelings in complete confidence. His college may have a counsellor that he can talk to in this way. Or he could contact Youth2Youth. This is a telephone, email and online chat helpline run by young people for all young people up to 19 years old. You can call the helpline on 020 8896 3675 – it's open every Monday and Thursday from 6.30pm to 9.30pm, or visit the website at www.youth2youth.co.uk.

The Eating Disorders Association operate a text service for young people. If you are worried about someone with an eating problem then send a text message to 07977 493 345 (standard text rates) and they will get back to you within 24 hours (or slightly longer at weekends).

Q: As I grew up my dad ridiculed people for things like being fat or having small breasts. This has had an effect on me and I'm so paranoid that I don't like my boyfriend seeing my body because I'm scared he won't be satisfied with it. I know I'm not fat but I don't think I'm as good as I should be and I'm ashamed of myself. How am I supposed to get over this?

Jen, 17

our experts reply:

We all go through times in our life when we don't like parts of our bodies. It is important to remember your boyfriend goes out with you because he likes you. He cares for you and that means all of you, including your body. He really won't mind any little flaws. In loving, secure relationships, it is important to communicate your feelings to your partner. Perhaps you could try talking to your boyfriend – this will help establish a unit of trust where you know how each other is feeling. Maybe you will find out that he too has concerns about himself.

It can be really hard to learn to be comfortable with our bodies. This is especially difficult when an important person in our lives has constantly put down other people. No one is perfect and no one has the right to criticise someone else's appearance. We all have something that we don't like about our bodies, I am sure your dad was not happy with aspects of his body, but instead of accepting them, he felt better when he ridiculed others.

I wonder whether you have friends that you could talk to about your concerns. You might find that you are all worried about the same things, and this can be reassuring in itself. If you would rather speak to someone who doesn't know you, you may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor about the way you feel about yourself. A counsellor will listen, support and help you explore your feelings in complete confidence. You could try contacting Youth Access. This is an organisation that puts young people in contact with local counselling services. The number is 020 8772 9900 or e-mail them on admin@youthaccess.org.uk.

Q: I only eat one meal a day because I don't want to become fat, but I also binge on chocolate. Do I have an eating disorder?

Marie, 15

our experts reply:

Your diet is definitely not healthy. It will not necessarily even help you to maintain a healthy weight. You seem to realise yourself that it is not good for you, especially as you are wondering about having an eating disorder. It's great that you have contacted us for support.

The site below will give you a better idea of whether you have an eating disorder, based on a series of questions that you can ask yourself: www.edauk.com/sub_young_what_is_an.htm.

Healthy eating is not just about losing weight but about looking after your body and making sure that you are giving it all the nutrients and vitamins it needs to grow and develop. By doing this, you will be looking after yourself and showing your body how much you can care for it.

You say that you binge on chocolate. It might be difficult at first, but switching to fruit instead will make a huge difference. Nutrition experts recommend five portions of vegetables and fruit a day and a third of your diet should consist of potatoes, cereals and bread. The following website has a lot of information about a balanced diet: www.bbc.co.uk/health/nutrition/index.shtml.

Q: OK, I am fat, I admit that. I used to be comfortable with the fact but now it has got stupid. I am 13 years old and weigh nearly 15 stone. I have tried every diet from every different diet company, I have even gone so far as to eat nothing but fruit and veg for a week and still I only lost a few pounds. I am considering starving myself, even to death if I have to. I hate myself now. I also have very, very bad asthma so the hundred metres run almost kills me (literally). I don't know what to do, I can't tell my mum or dad that I hate myself. Are there any weight loss methods that you know of?

Patrick, 13

our experts reply:

Because of your asthma, the best way to find a healthy diet for you would be to go to your GP or practice nurse. They will be able to advise you on a healthy eating plan and what type of exercise would be good for you. They should also be able to put you in touch with support groups in your area. If you don't want to go to your doctor, you could ask your school nurse to help.

You say that your asthma makes it hard for you to run. There are other ways to exercise and this is an important part of a plan to reduce weight. The main thing to remember is to take it slowly and build up as you get fitter. The following page from the Asthma UK website has lots of suggestions for exercise with asthma: www.asthma.org.uk/about/factsheet36.php.

If you want to talk to someone about asthma, you could call the helpline run by the National Asthma Campaign. The number is 08457 01 02 03 (the price of a local call) and the lines are open on weekdays from 9am to 5pm.

As you have already noticed, fad diets don't work and you can end up putting on more weight than you lost. You have nothing to be ashamed about, so you should try not to worry about telling your parents. In fact it would be easier for you if you did have your parents' support. They could go with you to the doctor and listen to the advice that you receive so that they can help you stick to the plan when you get home. Everything is so much easier when you have the support of your family.

Our food site has more information about which diets work and which don't, and you can also find information on losing weight safely.

Safe weight loss means eating healthier foods – not necessarily eating less. Taking regular exercise is also helpful but is something that should be built up gently. It is important not to try and lose weight too fast. Trying shed the pounds too quickly can mean you put the weight back on quickly too. Losing one or two pounds (up to a kilo) per week is a sensible target.

You sound quite distressed in your question and say that you hate yourself but try and remember that this isn't your fault and with the right help you will be OK. This website discusses self-esteem and what you can do to improve it: www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health
/self_esteem.html.

ChildLine would be happy to talk with you about your feelings. You can contact their helpline on 0800 1111. They can be busy, but they are open 24 hours a day, so keep trying and you should get through eventually. You could also have a look on their website and see if there is any information that is useful for you. You can find the site at www.childline.org.uk.

If you've got any other questions, why not check out the following 4Health features:

 

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(March 2005)