getting on with your parents
getting on with your parents | help and info
by Sarah Myers
Teenagers get a hard time on TV don't they? There's Harry Enfield's sulking Kevin who can't string a sentence together, Vicky 'yeh, but no, but' Pollard, and feisty Lauren who, well, just look at her face, does it look bovvered...?
© iStockphoto
But what about the parents? It takes two to have a stinking, pointless row, doesn't it?
They want you to let them in; you want them to just keep out. Of your life and your bedroom. Like Robbie and Liam, Spurs and Arsenal or chavs and goths, teenagers and parents are always going to clash.
'It's part of growing up,' says Family Psychotherapist Marsha Myers. 'Young people need to express themselves and to separate from their parents. It's not easy to do this without friction.'
The friction can be caused by a whole range of issues, from the trivial like clothes and messy bedrooms, to the more serious issues like drugs and sex.
10 things you argue about with your parents
- They keep asking you to tidy your bedroom
- They think you spend too much time on the computer/internet
- Money (especially mobile phone bills)
- They don't like your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend
- They won't let your boyfriend/girlfriend stay over
- Homework/they think you're not working hard enough at school
- The way you dress/how much make up your wear/piercing and tattoos
- Drugs/alcohol/smoking
- What time you come home
- They won't give you any privacy
Chances are things will get easier as you get older, but you don't have to wait to leave home to improve your relationship with your parents: there are things you can do right now to help things along.
seeing their side
Think about it: it may be hard to imagine, but your parents were teenagers once. The world has changed a lot since then and you'll have some different pressures and problems to the ones they faced, but they will understand some of things you're going through. OK, so they didn't fight about mobile phone bills or how long they spent on the internet, but their parents made rules they hated, hassled them about school work, and embarrassed them, too.
top tip
'If you can, ask your grandparents what your mum/dad was like when she/he was a teenager,' says Marsha. 'Ask them to tell you some of the things they got up to, and the things they used to argue about. Talk about it afterwards with your parents, it might jog their memories about how they felt when they were growing up.'
hear me now
If you want your parents to consider things from your point of view, you might just have to try seeing things from theirs. And that means talking – and listening – to them.
Ask them questions. If they've told you they don't like your boyfriend/girlfriend, ask them for reasons why. If they won't let you go to a party and all your friends are allowed to go, get them to explain what they are worried about. You won't necessarily agree, but if you really listen, you might just understand where they're coming from. When they've finished it's time to explain your side of things. Try not to get wound up. It'll make it harder to get your point across clearly.
top tip
'Don't argue about everything,' says Marsha. 'If something isn't that important, let it go. Pick the things that really matter and you'll find it pays off in the long run. If you can sometimes back down and say "I'm sorry, you're right", you'll have more chance of your parents doing the same.'
it's my life, comprendez?
Adults can't always communicate with young people, and young people don't always want them to. You often use words they don't understand and you probably like it that way. But one thing's guaranteed: shouting, swearing and moody responses won't get you what you want. Your parents will stop listening.
top tip
'You need to allow space for conversations – try a particular day of the week or time of the evening,' says drama therapist Susanna Kester. 'Is there something you can do together, like go for a meal? A shared activity can give you space for conversations.'
I just need some space
Parents worry. It's their job. Their stressing and fussing can feel intrusive and controlling, but they're usually behaving this way because they care. Talk to them about the fact you need space and agree some rules. And if you don't want them coming into your bedroom, tidy it. That way they've got no opportunity to snoop.
top tip
Spend time together – even if it's just eating a meal together or sitting watching a DVD when you're all at home. 'If you give them some of your time, they're more likely to give you space when you really need it,' says Marsha.
my stepmother's an alien
Two out of five marriages end in divorce. This leaves a huge number teenagers living with step families. It can be hard to accept – you didn't make the decision but you've ended up with a new stepmum or stepdad; another adult telling you what to do.
'Step families can mean a new set of rules to get used to. Every family has its own way of doing things,' says Marsha. 'Again it's important to talk about how you feel. You've got a right to express your feelings too. But try not to force your mum or dad to take sides.'
It can be particularly hard if one of your parents is living with a new partner and the other one is still on their own. Don't feel disloyal if you like your step parent. They won't replace your mum or dad. And remember, they split up with each other, not with you. It doesn't mean they don't care.
Remember it's hard for your parents too. They're only human and they don't always get things right. And when they're caught up in their own lives, they can do things without considering how it makes you feel.
Whatever the issues with your family, it's really important to talk to someone about how you feel. If you find it too difficult talking to your parents, a counsellor, teacher or friend in the same situation can really help.
getting on better with your parents
- Talk to them – calmly, as often as you can, and in language they understand
- Don't assume they're out to get you
- If they make rules you don't agree with, don't just flaunt them, negotiate, and be willing to compromise
- Wait until you're calm to talk things through
- Don't lie – if they catch you out they won't trust you again
- Never slam doors – it really winds them up. Chances are they just won't listen to what you say after that
- Remind them of times when you were right/when you did act responsibly, maybe you looked after your younger brother or sister, or helped them out with something
- Try talking to another adult – older brother or sister, another member of the family, or family friend. See if you find it easier to tell them how you feel.
- Don't worry, relationships invariably get better
- If things are really bad, there's professional help available (see help and info for organisations you can contact).
'bet my mum's more annoying than your mum...'
'My mum insists on coming into to my room when my mates are round and sitting down trying to talk to them – why can't she leave us alone?'
Chantelle, 15
'When my dad gives me a lift home from a party, he never waits outside like I tell him to, he always comes in. My mates really cuss me about it.'
Dom, 13
'They just don't listen to me. I have to shout to even get them to hear what I'm saying. Then they get annoyed that I'm shouting. It's so annoying.'
Paul, 14
'My mum looks through my stuff when I'm out the house. Don't I deserve some privacy? I don't want her knowing anything about my life.'
Raj, 17
'My mum keeps trying to talk to me about sex. As if I'm going to tell her about that stuff!'
Jo, 16
'Why does my dad have to dress like it's still the 70s?'
Amy, 13
(October 2005)
Read on for details of relevant organisations, websites and reading.
