Leni's stress diary
Leni, 21, is in her second year of a music technology course. In the past she has had problems with eating disorders and with impulsive behaviour – both, she believes, the result of stress. Now she is coping with college work and learning how to manage the strains of student life. Yoga and gym visits help. She has volunteered to share her diary as another form of stress therapy.
December 2001
This month has been a veritable rollercoaster of emotions and stressful moments – I'm beginning to see the physical signs of my stress.
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I left myself with a whole mass of work for college, thinking I had weeks to start it all, but suddenly deadlines are looming. I find myself staring blankly at a computer screen every night until the library shuts, wishing I had the organisational skills I never inherited from my mother! This doesn't actually feel particularly stressful at the time – it's only when I think I'm finally relaxing that I notice the signals.
There seem to be a lot of little things the body does in reaction to stress that are barely noticeable when you're in the midst of things but materialise later on – like finding your jaw is clenched and your hands in fists when you're in bed trying to sleep. It can also make your hair fall out more than normal – quite distressing.
I've been dealing with these symptoms by attempting to tackle the cause. I decided my work tactic from now on will be to start every assignment the week I get it, and spread the work out over the weeks. As for the muscle spasms and the hair loss, yoga is the answer. My yoga class cures headaches, gives me energy even after a busy day, and stretches the muscles I never knew I had. I come out after an hour-and-a-half session feeling like I could do my day again, then I always get a good night's sleep.
January 2002
Over the festive season I really enjoyed some real relaxation, possibly for the first time since the summer. I was determined to make the most of the luxuries of the season, especially the food, without feeling guilty about it.
Normally the extra pounds I put on over Christmas and new year would be a major worry for me, having suffered with eating problems in the past. I didn't go totally overboard, but instead ate whatever I wanted and made sure I either walked after food, or got on my mini stepper in the living room! That machine is pretty good for guilt trips, it's small and was relatively cheap, and when I am watching Neighbours I can use the time constructively by stepping for half an hour. So TV time is no longer lazy! It actually boosts your energy.
I often find that a new year can bring with it feelings of negativity. Maybe I feel as if the years are passing by, while I'm still not sure where my life is going. Sometimes I think about the past year and wonder how I got where I am now, from where I was a year ago. The bad things that have happened over the past 12 months always seem to dominate. It's tempting to get in a blind panic in January, trying to move things along and make up for the time you think you've wasted, but you can end up getting more burned out and less productive. The best way to deal with it all is to look forward, carry on working for the goals you set yourself and try to realise what you've learnt from the year. I'll be doing that for 2002.
February 2002
This time of year, I find life is getting to feel a little stale, what with bad weather and the changing season. I suffer with the common fatigue caused by the dark afternoons and sometimes find it very hard to get out of bed in the morning, when it's still not light outside. I usually find myself shifting my sleep patterns out of sync with the rest of the world – becoming active in the evening and then being unable to sleep until the early hours of the morning. Being tired all the time makes it difficult to concentrate, and also makes me feel very unmotivated, especially when it comes to work and exercise!
When I feel like this I usually try to incorporate walking into my day, as the walk to college in the morning tells my body and mind that it's time to wake up. It's amazing how even when you feel too tired to get up and go, once you actually start, your energy levels rise and you feel better. Stress is a major cause of fatigue, just as an argument can make you physically drained from sheer emotional overload.
I've been going through the process of interviews at various universities, and I think it's the waiting afterwards that puts me under more pressure than the interviews themselves. Sometimes it can seem as though your whole future is resting on a few weeks' events – a fairly daunting prospect, but one which you have to distance yourself from if you're going to get through the time with your confidence intact. I suffered a few panic attacks this week, but managed to deal with them, helped by my close friends. Having people who care around you is a surefire way to helping yourself. Finding friends you trust and enjoy the company of is definitely one of the best forms of stress relief.
March 2002
I got a lot of mixed messages this week, both positive and negative responses from some pretty important things. I found out that my work experience placement with a record company, which I had been looking forward to since last year, has fallen through, which made me feel like an idiot for ever thinking it would happen. I also received an unconditional offer from a university, which made me feel quite proud.
The way I am perceived by the outside world has a great deal of influence on how I feel about myself, like it or not, and no matter how much I tell myself that I don't care what anyone else thinks, it really can affect me. My competitive streak causes me a great deal of stress and heartache!
Not being good enough is a deep-rooted fear. It seems odd though, that when I get some negative feedback, I feel awful and downcast. But when I get a compliment I tend to brush it off, rather than accept gracefully. It also seems to be true that while a constant flow of negativity can decrease my self-esteem over time, no amount of compliments can build it back up when I feel really bad about myself inside. I've always had a battle with my self-esteem, probably stemming from relentless bullying at secondary school, and it makes me worry more than anything else. I'm a fierce believer in independence but I still get upset by what other people think of me.
May 2002
I made it back from my band tour extremely tired, but unscathed, and more positive than I've been in a long while. It was so non-stop, I hardly had time to feel stressed. The journeys were the most difficult part, we only had 4 breaks in 24 hours on the way to Prague, but I made sure I drank lots of water, ate at normal times and stretched my legs at every stop. We played five gigs in the eight days we were there. All, except one, were fantastic.
The last gig we played in Prague was a bit scary – somebody poisoned the ventilation system and we had to evacuate. It's hard not to panic when you don't understand if you are in danger or not. Luckily we had English-speaking students with us, so it turned out allright. We also experienced some racism from people in a town outside Prague, who caused us a bit of stress outside the venue by shouting 'Down with the English'. We were warned that there might be some trouble but nothing came of it.
Since I got back, I've found everything really bland – small things irritate me a lot more than they should. I think it's mainly due to a sudden lack of being busy. My mind doesn't have anything to occupy it, so it makes up its own worries, whether they really exist or not. Travel is good for opening your eyes to the big world out there and making you realise that stress is a self-destructive thing.
June 2002
For once, I don't feel very stressed at all. Finally, I have things a bit more sussed out: taking the first steps towards a career in the music industry and starting university in September. I honestly cannot wait to get away from the town where I grew up, spread my wings and find out who I really am. It can get very depressing living in a quiet town when you're in your early twenties. Living the rural life is probably more desirable when you're heading into retirement, not looking for the high life!
It only took two weeks of work experience in London to make me realise what a huge world I was missing out on, and now I've got so much more motivation to make something of myself. Despite knowing my funds will be limited – I'll have to do several jobs and study at the same time – I am not at all worried about it. Being tired out and poor is all part and parcel of being there – and the perks definitely outweigh the pitfalls. I will be careful not to slip too far into an unhealthy lifestyle though. Too much alcohol and not enough sleep or exercise could be a recipe for disaster. It may be hard to keep the balance, but it will pay off in the end.
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To find out more about dealing with stress at college or university check out the other feature in this section, student stress.
