what blows your fuse?
by Janet Wright
If you've taken our stress quiz, you'll know what 'stress type' you are. You'll recognise the ways stress affects you and how to handle potentially stressful situations. The other way to control stress is to work out what tends to cause it for you and how to prevent that happening. These 'stress triggers' are as individual as your stress type, because one person will revel in a situation that sends someone else diving for cover.
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Some situations are stressful to almost everyone, for example if they involve a major disruption or physical danger. But others are surprisingly individual. A tight deadline will give one person nightmares while another enjoys the adrenaline rush. Some people feel sick if they're not at the airport two hours before check-in opens, while others stroll in happily at the last moment.
Your stress triggers aren't always obvious, especially if they're situations you think you ought to be able to handle. You may be appalled to discover, for example, that witnessing a nasty argument turns your stomach to jelly. But don't write yourself off as a wimp: you may be unfazed by problems that terrify other people.
do any of these stressors make your heart sink with familiarity?
- Getting lost, being late, losing things?
- Explosive arguments and long-running vendettas?
- Planning an event that falls flat, finding your love isn't perfect.
- Health problems you daren't take to a GP, or projects at which you're likely to fail?
- Always having too much to do and not enough time to do it?
- The constant frustration of queues and call centres and things that don't work?
- Having no control over circumstances or events, even though you have responsibilities?
If (a) is the story of your life, you could reduce the stress you suffer by getting organised. Find a book about time management and work out what small changes you need to make in order to enjoy an easier life. Pick up tips from well-organised people and persuade your tidiest friend to help you clear up – instantly saving yourself some stressful hours of looking for things. Cut out the fluster factor by setting your alarm clock half an hour earlier and leaving more time than you think you need to arrive at appointments.
If (b) is what gets you down, ask yourself why there's so much conflict in your life. Some people enjoy the drama, or get a buzz from arguing and making up – but if this is a scenario you'd describe as stressful, it obviously doesn't suit you. Maybe you're among people who live this way, or maybe it's a habit you've got into. Do you explode when irritated and forget about it five minutes later – but just wish other people didn't sulk about it? Unfortunately, from their point of view you're the problem! Talk to a cognitive behaviour therapist or work though a book about anger management.
If (c) reminds you of the many disappointments you're encountered, you may have unrealistic expectations which you need to adjust. Aiming high is excellent, as long as you aren't crushed by the fall if you don't quite make it. Other people may have had the time of their lives at the party you thought was a failure. And "love means never having to say you're sorry" is probably the worst bit of advice ever given to a lover. Accept that the world isn't perfect, despite your best efforts, and people aren't perfect either. Compromising doesn't mean slipping from your high standards: it means acknowledging other people's needs and input too.
If (d) arouses a shiver of recognition, you're letting fear dominate your life. There's no point fearing events that you can't control – your extra suffering in advance doesn't make them easier to bear if and when they happen. Paradoxically, fear can cause the events you dread if, for example, you refuse to see the doctor with a dodgy-looking mole, when even cancers can often be cured if they're treated in good time. Fearing failure doesn't always spur you on to succeed: it's just as likely to sabotage your efforts by sapping your morale. If you can't shake off your fears, talking to a counsellor or close friend may help you put them into perspective.
In today's time-starved world, (e) is a common problem. We work long hours and have little time to meet our many responsibilities. If you're always running to stay on the spot, try to identify something you can either give up or delegate to someone else. That may be as small as getting someone to cover for you during a rare afternoon off, or as big as giving up half your working hours. How much money could you live on if you didn't keep buying treats to make up for all your time-stress?
There's no point getting riled by (f), the everyday frustrations of life. You can offload some by investing time in finding someone reliable to carry out tasks you can't or don't want to tussle with, such as fixing your computer. But no one can listen to music-on-hold for you. What we can't solve we have to live with. This is where daydreaming is a useful skill. If you're fuming at the wasted time, carry a good book with you to transform it into a precious moment for yourself. Dissolve the stress with some yoga breathing exercises. If you've just got to be productive, make a phone call, sort out your bag or do secret pelvic-floor exercises or calf raises.
If (g) is the bane of your life, you're suffering from something psychologists have identified as one of the most harmful forms of stress: powerlessness. At work or in the family, you should have some control at least over those things you're held responsible for. You may have to learn negotiating skills. When you've honed these, if you're still not satisfied, take them with you to a better job.
different reactions need different solutions
Do you react to stress with physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle pain or toothache (from grinding your teeth in your sleep)? You need help to loosen those tense muscles. Try massage, yoga or stretch classes, or that old favourite, a warm aromatherapy bath.
If your symptoms are more in your head, with obsessive thoughts about old grievances or current problems, you need to clear your mind. Traditional solutions include prayer or meditation. Any activity that needs concentration can help too, whether it's tap dancing or crossword puzzles. Or just do something that's more fun than fretting.
Are you increasingly tired and apathetic? Stress is really getting on top of you and affecting your health. If you stop eating well, getting out and sleeping enough, you slip into a vicious circle that you have to break. Get your GP to rule out any physical cause, then nurture yourself with a healthy diet, aerobic exercise (make yourself do it! it really does work), seven or eight hours a night of sleep and – just as important – time with friends or family.
stress relief doesn't work for me!
What if you've tried all the usual advice and you're more stressed than ever? "One size fits all" isn't true about clothes (unless you want to look like a tent or an overstuffed sausage) and it isn't true about stress relief either. You need to find out what works for you.
First see if anything in your life needs balancing. If your work is too hectic, try something peaceful and slow such as swimming or meditation. If you feel powerless, yoga or weight training could bring back a sense of control. If you're trapped behind a desk your body will be crying out for movement, so go for a run or take an upbeat exercise class. If you have to be very restrained at work, let it all out in a round of boxing.
Meditation can help clear your mind, but it takes practice. If sitting still just adds to your agitation, try a moving meditation such as walking slowly, counting your steps. Tai chi combines the calming effect of slow movement with complex steps that need all your attention. Mindfulness is another form of meditation: you simply focus on whatever you happen to be doing, withdrawing attention from your problems when they drift into mind.
Aerobic exercise is one of the most proven forms of stress relief, but that doesn't mean you have to go to aerobics classes. Any kind of exercise will do, as long as it raises your heart rate till you're almost out of breath. Music may lift your spirits, but not if it's a style you hate. Team sports are sociable, and you may be pleasantly surprised even if you think you're a loner – but if you'd rather have your teeth filled without anaesthetic, sports aren't going to ease your stress.
Consider your options and try something you like the sound of. If it takes some practice but you don't like doing it, you're unlikely to persevere. For the same reason, find something you can afford that's easy to reach.
We all need time to relax. But if lying in a bath would bore you to death, you probably need physical activity. Sports, dancing or a run on the hills are more your style. Then ease the tension out of your muscles with a massage.
Close and supportive relationships have also been shown to increase people's resistance to stress, so make time to spend with your friends. But if being with your friends makes you feel worse than you did before, you're either with the wrong crowd or doing unhelpful things. Do they sit around whingeing at fate? Or get drunk and feel worse the next day? Find an activity that makes you feel good, and the bonus may be a new crowd of friends.
help and info
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organisations
British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP)
Globe Centre
PO Box 9
Accrington BB5 2GD
E-mail: babcp@babcp.com
Website: www.babcp.org.uk
The leading body for cognitive-behavioural therapy in the UK. The website has a search facility to find an accredited therapist and gives information on how the therapy works.
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
35-37 Albert Street
Rugby CV31 2SG
Tel: 0870 443 5252 (Mon-Fri 8.45am-5pm)
E-mail: bacp@bacp.co.uk
Website: www.bacp.co.uk
BACP can provide you with a list of private counsellors in your area, plus information on counselling and choosing a counsellor.
International Stress Management Association UK (ISMA)
PO Box 348
Waltham Cross EN8 8ZL
Tel: 07000 780430
E-mail: stress@isma.org.uk
Website: www.isma.org.uk
Promotes sound knowledge and best practice in the prevention and reduction of stress and sets professional standards.
National Council of Psychotherapists
PO Box 6072
Nottingham NG6 9BW
Tel: 0845 230 6072
Website: www.natcouncilofpsychotherapists.org.uk
A national association of therapists, mainly in private practice, to whom the public may confidently refer. Most schools of psychological thought are represented and a wide variety of therapeutic approaches are offered. Includes a 'find an NCP member' search facility.
websites
The British Confederation for Psychotherapists: Reduced Fee Scheme
www.bcp.org.uk/reduced_fee_scheme_for_children.html
Has information on referral services and lists therapists who offer reduced fee schemes for children and adolescents.
The Happiness Project
www.happiness.co.uk
Offers courses, workshops, seminars and coaching on success, happiness and relationships.
HappyPlace.net
www.happyplace.net
Happiness is natural to our species and absolutely essential to our health and well-being. Yet it is by far the most misunderstood human faculty. Anyone who is tired of feeling stressed and unhappy should check out this site.
Mind Tools
www.mindtools.com
Tips and techniques for managing the stress in your life.
Stress – The Ultimate Challenge
www.happiness.co.uk/Content/InspirationRoom/Articles/DisplayArticle.asp?ArticleID=12
Insightful article in which the author discusses his belief that stress is not so much an illness as a symptom of inner and personal disharmony.
Stress Tips
www.stresstips.com
Comprehensive tips, links and articles on how to combat stress.
reading
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Conquer Your Stress by Cary Cooper and Stephen Palmer (Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development, 2000) |
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Kids Under Pressure: How to help your child cope with stress by Karen Sullivan (Piatkus Books, 2002) |
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Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman and Matthew McKay (New Harbinger, 2000) |
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Stress Busters: Over 100 successful strategies for stress survival by Robert Holden (HarperCollins, 1992) |
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Stress Management for Busy People by Carol Turkington and David Barlow (McGraw-Hill Publishing, 1998) |
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(September 2004, resources updated May 2005)
