talking about sex…
by Helen P Howard
Sex is how we begin life here on the planet and what we spend an awful lot of time thinking about. According to the pioneering sex researcher Kinsey, men think about sex on average at least once every 30 minutes – and probably a darned sight more than that on a hot summer's day surrounded by scantily clad lovelies. Women's interest in sex seems more to ebb and flow in a way hard to pin down with 'average' statistics, but research shows that levels of women's sexual interest can at the very least keep pace with men's. Women are more influenced by hormonal waves – nature's promptings to keep the human race breeding – than we might predict, with sexual desire often peaking at the time when a woman is ovulating and most fertile.
© stockbyte
Thinking or fantasising about sex – which we do often – is one thing. Talking about it is quite another. Talking about sex openly in a truthful and intimate way with the person you're having sex with is for many an uncrossable hurdle, a final taboo of the 21st century. Why is it, no double meaning deliberately intended, so hard?
ignorance and abstinence
The roots of the widespread human insecurities and complexities which revolve around what is in essence a simple animal act reach into our not so past history. Victorian attitudes to sex, masking shame with silence, persisted long into the last century. A man in the first half of the 20th century who wanted sex with a 'nice' girl usually had to pay a price – marriage. Whilst today's bride or bridegroom will have an average of 10 sexual partners before tying the knot, back then the score was more often than not zero. But whilst marriage avowedly passported couples to sexual union, women and men in the 1920s, 1930s and even later, still found themselves going up the aisle with a wealth of information about etiquette but stricken with poverty over the facts of life.
Lifelong virgin Clare Smith, now 95, interviewed on the Channel 4 programme Virgin Sex, described her wedding night thus: 'We were so innocent my husband and I didn't even know what having sex was. We both wore thick pyjamas and he played the mouth organ in bed all the time. I married twice and I never had sex. It didn't bother me, what you don't know, you don't miss.'
Virgin marriages were apparently created first out of sexual ignorance but later continued as such out of disgust for or fear of sex. Uncertainties over sexual orientation prompted others to wed, but the official blessing did not always magically translate into personal sexual fulfilment within marriage.
Fear of getting pregnant was another strong motivating factor not to go the whole way – couples wanted to limit the number of mouths to feed. In the absence of reliable methods of contraception, withdrawal before coitus and abstinence were the reasons behind why birth rates plummeted in the 20th century and many families produced only the 'standard' two children.
Perhaps surprisingly, sexless marriages seem not to be confined to the pre-modern era. Dominic Carman, only child of the more famous George, wrote a book, No Ordinary Man, about his eminently famous QC father's life. Published after his father's death, in 2002, the story exposed the sexless nature of George Carman's three marriages. The first was unconsummated and the two which followed both largely celibate – although the account is contested by Carman's live-in lover, who nursed the dying man (and who is also writing her own book).
Celibacy in marriage as a matter of informed consent by both partners was put forward as a valid and worthwhile choice by journalist Liz Hodgkinson who wrote a runaway bestseller in 1986 (see help and info). Whilst it caught the media's ever roving eye for a story about sex, as a personal option for the writer it did not last long – Hodgkinson's own marriage foundered two years after publication.
But for many couples during the last century, the sexless nature of marriage was at the insistence of the wife – and was deemed a price too high to pay for many husbands. The links between sexual frustration and violence sadly seem obvious, if not inevitable. George Carman was described by his son as viciously violent towards his wives – an added insult being that the QC forced his son to watch.
Sexual violence also grew out of these power imbalanced relationships, incidents being triggered by a wife's refusal to give sex on demand. Ray Rochford, a young husband in the late 1940s interviewed on the Channel 4 programme, Sex on Demand, seems unabashed about his behaviour even now. 'The man was the lord and master. It didn't matter to me whether my wife was tired or had had a bad day, if I wanted sex then I had it,' he says. Men insisted on their conjugal rights – and women were helpless at law to defend themselves. Marital rape was only recently created a crime and few cases were ever reported.
But times were, thankfully, moving on, and women were soon seizing some of that power back, at work, at home and in the bedroom.
then came the swinging sixties...
The swinging sixties heralded the sexual revolution and free love; sex was supposedly invented in this decade. What is certainly true is that it was reinvented. The pill broke the inextricable link between sex and pregnancy, and sex could be enjoyed just for the fun of it. Women fought loudly to cast off the shackles of domestic burdens and sexual repression, to discover and celebrate their own sexual wants and desires. Gays came out of their closets too, daring to be open about the joys of same sex relationships; gay communities flourished and grew in numbers, strength and power.
The early flowerings of greater openness about our bodies and their needs – for example, women meeting together to examine their vaginas with mirrors – can all too easily be dismissed as uncool by the generations born since 1970. But compared with the repressive chill which froze sexual energy in the first half of the century, this was joyous release – an atmosphere sizzling with sexual heat and alive with experimentation.
so are we sorted now?
The sexually up-for-it Samantha of the TV series, Sex and the City, a stereotypically horny 21st century woman, grabs headlines and provokes a chorus (interestingly, mostly male nowadays) of Mary Whitehouses deploring the rise in female promiscuity. Sex seems everywhere. Articles on orgasm breed like rabbits, talk of the G spot, the G spot for men (inside the anus according to Boy George), S & M, bondage, sex toys, sex in uniform, sex in public places, virtual sex on the internet, sex, sex, sex – it's there for all, whatever takes your fancy.
But for many people, both women and men, their personal experiences of the pleasures of sex and intimacy don't live up to the sex feasts supposedly on offer. When sexual abundance seems to be all around, it's hard to admit you're hungry – even more so if you're starving whilst in a marriage, with its official blessing of sex, or other long term sexual partnership.
are long term relationships to blame?
Suzi Godson, writer of the S is for Sex column in the Independent on Sunday believes that 'If love is the drug, then long-term relationships are the 12-step programme.' Godson notes from figures from the National Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles Survey 2001 that unmarried, cohabiting couples (usually childless and in their 20s) have sex three times a week. The rate of coital frequency drops by about half within the first year of marriage and dips too with age. People between the ages of 33 and 45 have sex only once a week and by the time couples reach 45-55 couples make love only twice a month. Many surveys don't even bother to mention sexual activity for the over 65s on the assumption (false!) that they have given it all up.
Whilst such surveys can provide some reassurance that everyone else isn't having a fantastic time and you're the ones missing out, time runs against couples in two ways. Firstly, as we age and grow familiar (or bored?) with our partners, sex will happen less; secondly, there seems not enough time to do it anyway. Whilst pundits might argue we are sex obsessed, as a nation our real problem is we are work obsessed. If we're not available to our partners – both physically and emotionally – relationships will suffer. And the loneliness of a shared bed, when each partner is living emotionally and sexually distanced from the other, is achingly lonely indeed.
When I worked as a divorce lawyer, I came across two different couples whose communications with one another had sunk to absolute silence, their exchanges of information being limited to written notes for each other. One couple left notes for each other on the hallway table, the other left notes on the stairs. Each couple had devised elaborate ways to ensure that they hardly ever met; cooking, washing and naturally sleeping entirely separately. Very few couples go to such extremes but many couples find that at times in their relationship they draw apart either temporarily or, sadly, permanently. The longer the time you withdraw from your relationship, the harder it becomes to heal the breach and mend the relationship.
getting real about expectations of sex?
Couples in mid-life probably need to stop giving themselves – individually and each other – such a hard time and lower expectations to a more manageable level in these high-pressured times. Maybe having sex twice a month seems like a sex desert compared to the carefree, child-free, sexy early years together, but if you're having sex more than once monthly you're doing pretty great – well, at least as great as everyone else.
Anyone who's had children knows that they put barriers up to prevent their mums and dads having sex far more effective than their grandparents did when those mums and dads were in their teens. Having kids is physically and emotionally exhausting, leaving parents running on empty, especially if they're holding down jobs and meeting a zillion other commitments. Running on empty is not a great place to be to have good, or any, sex.
when there are problems about sex
Sometimes problems about sex can be just temporary as couples adjust to being parents, and things do get sorted. Julia Cole, a psychosexual therapist with Relate, notes, 'No couple is the same after they've had a baby. Most couples don't realise that their sexual relationship is always going to be shifting, that what worked two years ago is not the answer today.' She recommends that couples become aware of what else is going on in their lives before judging their current sexual intimacy too harshly. 'There are times in a couple's life – during stress, ill health, bereavement, and after childbirth – when there is more ebb than flow. The problem is made worse when couples hold unrealistic expectations and put themselves under too much pressure to conform.'
Men and women naturally respond in very different ways to the birth of their children. Each individual woman and man will have their own unique responses, but a common experience is that women are caught up in strong emotional attachment to their babies whilst their men can feel abandoned. Karen, a 40-year-old whose third baby is now four-and-a-half months recognised that. Quoted in 'Coitus Interruptus' by David Cohen in The Guardian (23 January 2002), she says, 'I'm engaged in what I can only describe as an exclusive love affair with my baby. It's what the baby needs and it's what I need. For the first few months, at least, there's simply no space for my husband.'
From the same article, another husband, Jonathan, aged 33, feels he has been left out in the cold too long. Since the birth of his daughter, now two, his wife has had no interest in sex. 'Sometimes I feel like my wife is giving me a protracted goodbye. And even though I talk to my friends, and they tell me that in time the situation will correct itself, that I must be patient, and even though in my head I know they are right, it sits in my stomach, this feeling of rejection, and longing, and deep, deep loneliness.'
Resuming a sexually intimate relationship after childbirth, or any other time after sex has stopped, is not just as simple as turning a switch back on. But sometimes spending time together as a couple can help you both reconnect.
One great tip, given to me by a wise aunt, was to make sure you get at least one weekend a year away with your partner on your own. No kids. The first time my husband and I took her advice, with the kids safely ensconced with doting grandparents, we looked glumly at each other on Friday night. What would we have to talk about once deprived of all the family chatter? Was there anything interesting left to say? And who was this person anyway? But by Saturday things we're looking up and the pleasures of each weekend trip warm our relationship through the remainder of the year.
But if things seem more serious than can be fixed with time out, the first, very hard but necessary step is working out what the problem is. Trying to break the silence – the taboo almost – about talking about sex may seem impossible at first, but the first step is the hardest and once you dare to open up, your partner may well react with relief that he or she can start talking too.
The problem may be a physical one – childbirth changes women's bodies and can bring unwelcome gifts in its wake, like stress incontinence and vaginal or womb prolapses. If this is the case, talk to your doctor, who might refer you to a physiotherapist for help. (You might like to check out our feature, not tonight – women for whom love is a pain.) Or men can find especially as they grow older that their erection is not as 'high' as before or they become impotent. Again, seek medical help rather than avoid the problem. (Our feature new treatments for impotence may be of interest).
If it's something else, again talking can help. Make sure that you do actually have the space and time to talk – think about the setting and how you can create real time for each other. Sitting by the fire or lighting candles and putting on relaxing music can help you both unwind and be more open with one another. Remembering good sexy times together is a turn-on too – and sharing sexual fantasies with one another can open up new levels of sexual experience.
Learning to be physically close with one another in more nurturing ways can also be deeply pleasurable – couples who have gone on couples' massage classes report that they loved the experience and found they could help each other relax and be physically close at the same time.
When you talk and decide on how you'd like to change things, set achievable goals (be gentle with yourselves!) and make sure that you keep checking out with each other how you're doing. Say you decide to spend an evening a week together, and Rob agrees to be more physically affectionate and give more hugs and Jan agrees to be more responsive in bed – Jan and Rob need to ask each other 'How am I doing? How do you feel about things now? Let me tell you how I'm feeling too..' from time to time.
Sometimes seeking professional help is important. Your GP may have a therapist or counsellor in the practice or they may be able to refer you to a specialist relationship counselling service. You can also approach these organisations yourself (see help and info). All Relate sex therapists, for example, have initially trained as couples counsellors and have then progressed (after selection) to train as sex therapists, so Relate can be a good first point of call for finding someone whom you both could trust. The therapy will be confidential, and an initial assessment meeting with you both together will help you work out if their sex therapy programme is right for you. And at the assessment you can of course check out if you both feel you would have confidence in the therapist – go with your instinctive responses here. If the rapport isn't there, try to find someone else rather than give up at the first hurdle. Only couples who can commit to spending three hours a week on 'homework' (usually pleasurable exercises, initially not involving intercourse), and who can come for one session a week with the therapist ,will go on the programme so it involves quite a time commitment. Each partner will usually have one or two sessions individually, followed by joint sessions. The programme will last as long as feels right and appropriate – sessions will usually last for about an hour. Typically the programme will help with communicating about sex, sometimes finding out more, with an emphasis on behavioural therapy. And you never know until you try…
help and info
organisations
British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy
35-37 Albert Street
Rugby CV31 2SG
Tel: 0870 443 5252
E-mail: bacp@bacp.co.uk
Website: www.bacp.co.uk
BACP can provide you with a list of private counsellors in your area, plus information on counselling and choosing a counsellor. Please telephone or send an SAE to the above address. Alternatively, you can search for a counsellor at the website which, along with an online directory of counsellors, contains details about membership, training and an extensive publications list.
British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy
PO Box 13686
London SW20 9ZH
Tel: 020 8543 2707
E-mail: info@basrt.org.uk
Website: www.basrt.org.uk
National specialist charity for sexual and relationship therapy. Can provide details of psychosexual clinics and qualified sex therapists. Visit the website to locate a BASRT member in your area.
Couple Counselling Scotland
18 York Place
Edinburgh EH1 3EP
Tel: 0845 119 6088
Helpline: 01382 640340 (Thurs 2pm-4pm)
E-mail: enquiries@couplecounselling.org
Website: www.couplecounselling.org
Exists to promote, develop and co-ordinate a confidential counselling service for people in marriage and other intimate personal relationships. There are 14 Couple Counselling services across Scotland – visit the website to find details of the service in your area. The counsellors are fully trained volunteers who work part time and provide counselling for a wide range of people, regardless of race, religion, marital status or sexual orientation. Some services have additional counselling centres in their region and some also offer a Sexual and Relationship Therapy Service and/or a telephone helpline.
Institute of Psychosexual Medicine
12 Chandos Street
Cavendish Square
London W1G 9DR
Tel: 020 7580 0631
E-mail: ipm@ipm.org.uk
Website: www.ipm.org.uk
Psychosexual medicine is concerned with understanding how emotional factors can interfere with sexual performance and enjoyment. Types of problems successfully managed include: chronic pelvic pain, genital pain, lack of orgasm and loss of libido. Members of the public requiring help with sexual problems can send a SAE to the Institute, or e-mail, to receive details of local members.
Relate
Herbert Gray College
Little Church Street
Rugby CV21 3AP
Tel: 0845 456 1310 (to find your nearest Relate)
Relateline: 0845 130 4010 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm)
Relate Direct appointments line: 0845 130 4016 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: enquiries@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
The largest relationship counselling organisation in the UK. Offers counselling,
psychosexual therapy, and other services to help those experiencing difficulties in any
adult couple relationship. Some branches of Relate offer individual counselling to
young people. Relateline is for couples experiencing emotional crisis who wish to talk
things through with an experienced Relate counsellor. Relate Direct is a telephone
counselling service (see website for more details, including costs).
Sexual Dysfunction Association
Windmill Place Business Centre
2-4 Windmill Lane
Southall UB2 4NJ
Helpline: 0870 7743571 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: info@sda.uk.net
Website: www.sda.uk.net
A charitable organisation set up to help men and women who suffer from some sort of sexual dysfunction. The main focus is on impotence but they also have information and factsheets on a range of other sexual problems. Callers to the helpline can request general or specific information and a list of specialists in their area.
Rape Crisis Federation (maintained by Truth About Rape Campaign)
The Pankhurst Centre
Department 5
60-62 Nelson Street
Manchester M13 9WP
Helplines: individual helpline numbers listed by region on the website.
E-mail: info@rapecrisis.org.uk (please check the website for the information you need before e-mailing)
Website: www.rapecrisis.co.uk
Can refer anyone who has been raped or sexually abused, and their families, friends and partners, to their nearest Rape Crisis Centre for advice, information and counselling. The website also features information about rape and sexual violence, court procedures and the law, and myths and facts about rape.
websites
The Celibate FAQ
www.glandscape.com/celibate.html
Humorous and non-religious guide to celibacy, looking at what it means to be celibate, its advantages and disadvantages, details of famous celibate people, a booklist and other resources.
Dr Marie Stopes
www.mariestopes.org.uk
Historical information about the life and work of Dr Marie Stopes.
Some Myths and Facts about Rape
www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapemyths.htm
Dispels the various myths surrounding rape, including the myth that it does not happen within marriage. Although rape within marriage has been a crime in Scotland for many years, it is only recently that a precedent has existed in English law.
The Partner Therapy Group
www.partnertherapy.com
Private organisation that promotes healing, growth and enrichment for straight and gay individuals and partners who have sexual and relationship traumas, difficulties, concerns or issues. Website features information and guidance on sex, relationships and other personal problems.
reading
sex and relationships
 |
The Book of the Penis by Maggie Paley (Grove Press, 2000) |
 |
Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships by David Schnarch (W.W. Norton, 1997) |
 |
Erotic Passions: A Guide to Orgasmic Massage, Sensual Bathing, Oral Pleasuring and Ancient Sexual Positions by Kenneth Ray Stubbs (Jeremy P Tarcher, 2001) |
 |
How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You by Leil Lowndes (HarperCollins, 1997) |
 |
Real Sex by Grub Smith (HarperCollins Entertainment, 2000) |
 |
Relate: Sex in loving relationships by Sarah Litvinoff (Vermilion, 2001) |
 |
Woman's Pleasure or How To Have An Orgasm As Often As You Want by Rachel Swift (Pan, 1994) |
 |
I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Increasing Her Libido by Judith Reichman (William Morrow, 1999) |
 |
You Just Don't Understand: Men and women in conversation by Deborah Tannen (Virago 1992) |
 |
Great Sex Guide by Anne Hooper (Dorling Kindersley, 1999) |
 |
|
history
 |
No Ordinary Man: A life of George Carman QC by Dominic Carman (Hodder and Stoughton, 2002) |
 |
Rules of Desire by Cate Haste (Vintage, 2002) |
 |
Sex, Gender and Social Change in Britain Since 1880 by Lesley Hall (Palgrave Macmillan, 2000) |
 |
Twentieth-Century Sexuality by Angus McLaren (Blackwell Publishers, 1999) |
|
|
(February 2002, resources updated March 2005)
