adding sizzle to your sex drive
by Martica K Heaner
A so-so sex drive can put a damper on your relationship. If you – or your partner – has a flagging libido, here's how to rev it up.
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In a perfect world, when you're feeling sexy, your partner is too – you succumb to each other's passions and fantasies as your hearts and bodies desire. In the real world, you're too tired, your significant other has a headache and whether you're getting too much or too little, you both end up feeling sexually frustrated. But a flagging libido is caused by a variety of factors, many of which can be treated.
define the problem
'It's common for couples to have mismatched sex drives, especially the further along they are into a relationship,' explains Richard Kogan, a psychiatrist and sex therapist in practice in New York City. The big question is: What's normal? That's a question that researchers have yet to define precisely. 'If a woman wants sex once a week and her partner wants it twice a day, there is a 14-fold difference in their desires even though both of them individually fall into a normal range for sex drive,' says Kogan. The psychiatrist's bible, known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, formally recognises hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) if a person has persistently low, or absent, sexual fantasies and desire.
But how problematic diminished sex drive is depends on your partner since part of a diagnosis is not just the subjective distress of a person with a low mojo, but the dissatisfaction that their partner expresses. 'Your sex drive is normal if you're satisfied with your sexual activity,' explains clinical sexologist Ava Cadell ('Dr Ava'). 'The average married couple only makes love once every two weeks and many of them feel fulfilled.' Since sex drive usually decreases with age, as long as the decrease is mutual, there won't be a feeling of discontent. If you're feeling enormously at odds, then you need to evaluate the situation.
do a physical
Sexual desire fluctuates for many reasons including simply being just too tired. 'Lack of stamina from being overworked or even over-exercised can dampen desire,' says Dr Ava. 'But sex can be a wonderfully relaxing sedative to help you to sleep. So some days consider replacing your normal exercise regimen with sexual activity instead.'
Some illnesses such as thyroid disease, tumours of the pituitary gland and depression are linked to hormonal imbalances that lead to low sex drive. Low testosterone levels in men and in women after childbirth or during menopause can kill sex drive. The only way to detect it is to ask your GP for a blood test that specifically measures testosterone levels. If clinical tests show deficiencies, there are a myriad of treatments ranging from testosterone patches, pills and topical creams.
ditch the drugs
A number of medications can inadvertently affect sex drive. Certain drugs used to treat depression such as Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft as well as sedatives like Xanax and anti-hypertensive drugs can lower libido. Excess alcohol or chronic use of drugs such as marijuana, cocaine and heroin can not only impair performance, but also deaden desire.
de-stress
'For most people to feel sexual, they need optimal conditions, so a tough day at work that leaves them anxious at home inhibits their ability to relax and enjoy,' says Kogan. But sex may often be the antidote for some types of stress. 'Sex helps you forget about your problems and during the heat of the moment stressful feelings are replaced with euphoria,' says Dr Ava. 'But when you're upset about something it can be so overwhelming that your entire focus is on the problem, and the last thing you want to do is to have sex, even though it would be the best thing you could do. Sex can actually clear the mind and help you come up with some good solutions.'
deal with anger
The number one reason that people fall out of love-and lust-is because they resent their partner for something they said or did and it has caused anger or pain. That unresolved anger and animosity makes it hard to be intimate. 'Often simple communication can help by clearing up problems and finding out what each person wants and feels like they are not getting, especially when it comes to sexual satisfaction,' says Kogan.
see your lover as a stranger
In the beginning of a courtship, the couple don't know each other very well so they project a fantasy of what they want their partner to be. They are filled with positive thoughts. Plus they spend a lot of time in preparation for their next encounter, whether that's thinking about a date on Friday night and having erotic fantasies about it, or simply taking extra care to look good and be clean and well kempt to be attractive to each other. 'That's why a lot of people have really hot sex early in the relationship,' says Kogan. But once they get to know each other, over-familiarity can cause a shift in focus to the anti-sexual aspects of their partner-how they feel unfulfilled by them or their physical flaws. Sex cools off once they tune out from the turn-ons. 'Discussing how each partner can make themself more attractive to the other can help,' says Kogan. Each person also has to take responsibility for reprogramming negative thoughts by reminding themselves of what they do like.
get over anti-fantasies
In some cases, a person becomes turned-off or even disgusted by sexual acts such as oral sex, which can inhibit overall desire in both partners when they feel pressure or frustration. 'The likelihood of this improving depends on the degree of aversion,' says Kogan. 'Some people can learn to avoid feelings of repulsion by immersing themselves in other sorts of pleasing fantasies while performing the act. This can desensitise themselves so they are able to participate and possibly even enjoy pleasuring their partner. But some have such a strong aversion that they can't ever get past it. The perceived quality of the sex can also reflect the quality of the relationship.' Self-hypnosis may break down mental barriers to this type of intimacy. Also, making sex more amenable by being extra-clean or starting with baby steps (kissing around the genitals rather than on them, for example) can help.
explore emotions
Some sexual issues arise from emotional issues. Some people may get messages that sex is a sin or dirty when they are growing up. Others may have difficulty melding emotional closeness with sexual passion: they can be intimate and sexual with people that they are not in a relationship with such as during a one-night stand, but have a hard time with their partner. 'If they have a problem being emotionally and sexually intimate, in-depth therapy can help,' says Kogan. Performance anxiety about getting or keeping an erection or being able to have an orgasm can also affect sex drive. If the anxiety is overwhelming, then sex doesn't seem worth the effort, says Kogan. Performance problems, especially premature ejaculation, are almost always curable which then can improve both partners' perspectives towards their sexual encounters.
set a scene conducive to sex
If you have a crowded life, a holiday or weekend away can help a person tune-out everyday stressors and focus on relaxing and enjoying sex. But when there's no time to get away you can still improve your ability to shift gears away from kids and jobs and immerse yourself into a sexual state. 'Some people have never stopped to consider what conditions make them feel sexual,' explains Kogan. Is the TV always on? News and sports aren't fuel for erotica. Are the lights blaring? Is getting into bed an asexual ritual? Hone in on sensual pleasures. Play soothing music, make your bedroom sexy, wear, do or say the unexpected. Break up the routine a little – instead of carefully undressing, disrobe each other and jump into the sack for some spontaneous passion without worrying about the rumpled clothes.
Martica Heaner is an exercise physiologist and health writer based in New York City.
help and info
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organisations
British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy
PO Box 13686
London SW20 9ZH
Tel: 020 8543 2707
E-mail: info@basrt.org.uk
Website: www.basrt.org.uk
National specialist charity for sexual and relationship therapy. The website lists accredited therapists.
Couple Counselling Scotland
18 York Place
Edinburgh EH1 3EP
Tel: 0845 119 6088
Helpline: 01382 640340 (Thurs 2pm-4pm)
E-mail: enquiries@couplecounselling.org
Website: www.couplecounselling.org
Exists to promote, develop and co-ordinate a confidential counselling service for people in marriage and other intimate personal relationships. There are 14 Couple Counselling services across Scotland – visit the website to find details of the service in your area. The counsellors are fully trained volunteers who work part time and provide counselling for a wide range of people, regardless of race, religion, marital status or sexual orientation. Some services have additional counselling centres in their region and some also offer a Sexual and Relationship Therapy Service and/or a telephone helpline.
Institute of Psychosexual Medicine
12 Chandos Street
Cavendish Square
London W1G 9DR
Tel: 020 7580 0631
E-mail: ipm@ipm.org.uk
Website: www.ipm.org.uk
Psychosexual medicine is concerned with understanding how emotional factors can interfere with sexual performance and enjoyment. Types of problems successfully managed include: chronic pelvic pain, genital pain, lack of orgasm and loss of libido. Members of the public requiring help with sexual problems can send a SAE to the Institute, or e-mail, to receive details of local members.
Relate
Herbert Gray College
Little Church Street
Rugby CV21 3AP
Tel: 0845 456 1310 (to find your nearest Relate)
Relateline: 0845 130 4010 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm)
Relate Direct appointments line: 0845 130 4016 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: enquiries@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
The largest relationship counselling organisation in the UK. Offers counselling,
psychosexual therapy, and other services to help those experiencing difficulties in any
adult couple relationship. Some branches of Relate offer individual counselling to
young people. Relateline is for couples experiencing emotional crisis who wish to talk
things through with an experienced Relate counsellor. Relate Direct is a telephone
counselling service (see website for more details, including costs).
Sexual Dysfunction Association
Windmill Place Business Centre
2-4 Windmill Lane
Southall UB2 4NJ
Helpline: 0870 7743571 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: info@sda.uk.net
Website: www.sda.uk.net
A charitable organisation set up to help men and women who suffer from some sort of sexual dysfunction. The main focus is on impotence but they also have information and factsheets on a range of other sexual problems. Callers to the helpline can request general or specific information and a list of specialists in their area.
websites
American Psychological Association: Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
www.apa.org/pi/aging/sexuality.html
Explores the effect of ageing on sexuality.
BabyCentre: Will breastfeeding interfere with my sex drive?
www.babycentre.co.uk/expert/553823.html
Article explaining the reasons for a lack of sex drive while breastfeeding. Contains links to articles about lack of libido or inability to have sex after birth in general.
Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality
www.ejhs.org
An online publication of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality which provides information about all aspects of human sexuality.
NetDoctor: Lack of sex drive
www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm
Article on the reasons for a lack of sex drive in both women and men.
reading
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The Good Orgasm Guide: All a Girl Needs to Have a Great Time by Kate Taylor (Simon & Schuster, 2002) |
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Sinful Sex: the Uninhibited Guide to Erotic Pleasure by Pam Spurr (Robson Books, 2002) |
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The Sex Starved Marriage – Boosting your Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis (Simon & Schuster, 2004) |
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The 7 Minute Sex Secret by Martica K Heaner (Hodder Mobius, 1995) |
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Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages by Barry McCarthy and Emily McCarthy (Brunner-Routledge, 2003) |
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(January 2004, resources updated February 2005)
