the new rules of sex and sexual fantasy
by Harriet Yudkin and Jamie Dibdin
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top tips
If you are thinking about trying to act out your particular fantasies, here are some points you may want to consider:
'Threesomes' – sex with more than one person at a time
- Think about any insecurities and unresolved worries that may be lurking, as they are bound to surface – particularly if you are worried that the third party is younger or fitter than you are!
- Don't try this as a last ditch effort to revitalise a tired and flagging relationship or sex-life. You need to be very secure with yourself and with one another before bringing in a third party – there's nothing like sex to bring out anxieties and insecurities about your body, your sex appeal, your performance or technique and how much your partner fancies you.
- Be very clear about rules and boundaries – both with each other and with the third party. For example, who is allowed to do what to whom and how do you communicate what's not OK while it's happening?
- Have a 'get out' word that you all agree on that you can use when you want whatever is happening to stop.
'Fuck buddies' – having a friend you have sex with
- Can your friendship survive making it sexual? Think about the implications of sleeping with a friend. How will you view each other afterwards? Will it change everything?
- Make sure both parties are open about what they want from the friendship – things can go horribly wrong when one person wants more than the other once you start having sex with each other.
- Society tends to have double standards about what men and women are allowed to do: it may be harder for women to have sex just for sex's sake and not be judged or judge themselves according to society's values.
'Espresso sex' – anonymous sex with people you have just met
- Stranger danger: do you know you are safe with the person you're going home with? The excitement of having sex with someone you don't know may be erotic and glamorous, but in reality you must keep yourself safe – make sure someone knows where you are and who you are with. You also need to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections by using condoms. You might like to check out our features on sexually transmitted infections, and getting it on – using a condom.
- To some extent, while the gay scene has been more accepting of anonymous sex, views amongst heterosexual people may well be less tolerant. What will your friends make of it? Again, society's double standards can be very harsh – particularly on women.
- Think about your motives for this – are you avoiding being truly close to someone and so stopping yourself from enjoying a more fulfilling relationship?
'Yummy mummies' – sex with an older woman
- Think about what she is after – she may just be looking for some fun and an energetic and attentive lover, not a relationship.
- Think about what you will have in common: what will you talk about?
- Think about this relationship the other way round. Would you be worried if it was a young woman who was having sex with a much older man?
'Hot shots' – filming your sexual activities
- Obviously, filming needs to be done with the agreement of all parties involved!
- Agree what will happen to the tape or photos and where they will be kept.
- Not to be cynical, but think about what happens if and when the relationship breaks down – can you be sure the tape or photos won't be shown to other people or used in ways you hadn't agreed to?
- Agree how far to go – don't force yourself to do anything just for the camera.
'Bi-curious' – trying out a sexual experience with someone of the same sex
- You could try enlisting the help of a lesbian, gay or bisexual friend to talk to you and come with you if you are thinking of going to a gay nightclub or bar.
- You may experience resentment from gay men and lesbians who could feel that you are just toying with them and don't have serious intentions. Make sure you are as honest as you can be with any potential partner – if it is just sex that you want, make that clear.
- For more help with these issues, see the articles coming out: do you think you might be gay? which has a great list of websites, further reading and organisations that can offer help and support, and girls who like boys... and girls. Also see get help for contact details of organisations where you can get more information or meet other lesbian, gay or bisexual people.
Fantasy worlds can be fun: enjoy yourself and, if you feel safe, let yourself go – it could be the best thing you ever did. Just don't forget to keep yourself safe, be legal, honest with your partner(s) and true to yourself. Good luck and good loving!
Harriet Yudkin is a sexual health adviser
Jamie Dibdin is a clinical psychologist
(October 2003, resources updated February 2005)
