the new rules of sex and sexual fantasy
by Harriet Yudkin and Jamie Dibdin
the new rules of sex and sexual fantasy | should you make your sexual fantasies a reality? | what if my sexual fantasies are wrong or illegal? | top tips | help and info
what if my sexual fantasies are wrong or illegal?
People fantasise about many different things. Sometimes people's sexual fantasies are ones that they know are illegal or would get them into trouble with the law, such as raping someone, having sex with a member of your family or bestiality. Although having sexual fantasies is perfectly normal, some sexual fantasies about illegal acts may not be helpful to you personally.
People often wonder whether, if they have a particular sexual fantasy often, this might make it more likely to become reality. The answer to this question is not clear. We do know that if you are trying to give up smoking then it is useful to try not to think too much about having a cigarette as it may make you more likely to go and have one. So, being preoccupied with a sexual fantasy about something illegal might lead to the blurring of reality and fantasy and encourage you to think about ways to make this happen. This could get you into real trouble and hurt someone else.
Although in some cases, having a fantasy might be a useful way of understanding your feeling and desires, in general, having and indulging in fantasies that are illegal, such as raping someone or having sex with a member of your own family, is not helpful. If you find you are becoming very pre-occupied with such fantasies, even to the exclusion of anything else, you might benefit from some professional help, such as counselling, which you may be able to access through your GP, or through get help.
risks of making your fantasies a reality
On the one hand, making your sexual fantasies a reality can be a way of release, by giving you the chance to express your internal world in a real way and living it out. However, it can also be risky on several levels. The whole point of fantasy is that it is just that – a fantasy that you can control. If you make your fantasy a reality it may not live up to the image that you have in your head. The point is that a fantasy that you have invested with imagination, creativity and excitement may be disappointing when acted out.
taking risks
Fantasies commonly involve taking risk. Risks can be exciting but also dangerous. You must weigh up the opportunities and threats that the level of risk presents. Common concerns about acting out your sexual fantasies are that you can put yourself in dangerous situations with people who you do not know. You may risk physical pain, for example if you are thinking of trying out fantasies involving bondage or S&M (sado-masochism). Also think about the risk of personal hurt, for example when you bring a third person into a sexual relationship. Again, don't forget the legal consequences.
Harriet Yudkin is a sexual health adviser
Jamie Dibdin is a clinical psychologist
(October 2003, resources updated February 2005)
