the new rules of sex and sexual fantasy
by Harriet Yudkin and Jamie Dibdin
the new rules of sex and sexual fantasy | should you make your sexual fantasies a reality? | what if my sexual fantasies are wrong or illegal? | top tips | help and info
should you make your sexual fantasies a reality?
Acting out your sexual fantasies can be a way of releasing and realising your desires. For some people this might bring real fulfilment and a realisation of what they really do want in their life. For example, people who want to have sex with someone of the same sex might try this out and discover that this is part of who they are and how they want to live their life. However, a different person could try this out and find out that it's not for them.
Sharing a sexual fantasy with a partner could help to take your relationship to a higher level, even if the fantasy is not acted out in reality. It's really up to you whether you tell a partner or friends about a sexual fantasy or whether you feel it's better to keep it private. Think through the consequences of talking about your fantasies or making them real. What will your partner or friends think of this? You could expose yourself to consequences that you had not wanted (see top tips).
The thing is, only you can decide if your fantasies are about something you actually want to do, but haven't got the guts or the opportunity to do in real life, or whether they are just fantasy and you'd run a mile if the opportunity to act them out presented itself.
I don't know if I want to make my fantasy a reality
Just because you fantasise about a sexual act it does not mean that you might really want to act this out. For example, fantasies about sex with someone of the same sex are common amongst people who would consider themselves to be heterosexual ('straight'). This doesn't necessarily mean that the person having the fantasy is actually gay or lesbian.
Fantasising about sex with someone of the same sex is particularly common in teenagers, when the hormones raging through your body can make you think about sex and sexual possibilities much of the time. It is also a time when many people are working out their sexuality and making sense of their feelings of sexual attraction. For example, the feelings you have for your best friend may be just friendly, or they may mean you consider them to be more than just a mate.
Many young people have sexual experiences with someone of the same sex, involving kissing, touching, mutual masturbation or more. This doesn't necessarily 'make' someone gay or lesbian – only you can work out for yourself what you consider your sexual orientation to be. Some people know from a very early age that they are gay, while some people are unsure until later in life. (For more help with these issues, see our other features on coming out: do you think you might be gay? which has a great list of websites, further reading and organisations that can offer help and support, and girls who like boys... and girls.)
Harriet Yudkin is a sexual health adviser
Jamie Dibdin is a clinical psychologist
(October 2003, resources updated February 2005)
