Q: I have recently started using prostitutes for sex. I always use a condom. I was still a virgin the first time. I know it sounds stupid when I am nearly 27 but I just get too nervous when I meet a girl I like. Should I stop seeing prostitutes and wait for the right girl?
Gareth, 26
our online advisors reply:
A: You seem to be unsure whether having sex with prostitutes is what you really want. Do you feel you should stop seeing prostitutes? Whether this is what you want is up to you, but I can offer some suggestions that might help you work out what you are going to do.
Perhaps you might like to consider if you feel your needs and desires are met when you visit a prostitute. You obviously have a few concerns because you have asked this question. Do you feel that sex would be more fulfilling if you were in a loving, trusting relationship? Deciding to have sex can be a really important decision to make for many people. Often a sexual relationship involves a number of emotions as well as the physical side. Do you feel you are missing the emotional side of sex?
Finding someone to be in a relationship with is not easy whatever your age. It is not as simple as going out and finding a girlfriend. You say that you get nervous when you meet a girl you like and this makes me wonder whether it would help you to try and build up your self-confidence. Becoming less nervous around girls won't happen overnight but there are things you can do to make a start.
The following web page has a number of ideas to help improve your confidence. The site also offers a free e-mail course (see the link at the top of the page) with exercises to help you work on your self-esteem and self-confidence: www.self-confidence.co.uk.
It's good that you are aware of the need to practise safer sex and always use condoms when you have sex with prostitutes. Do remember that using a condom is important with other sexual encounters too. You can't tell whether someone has a sexually transmitted infection just by looking at them.
I hope this helps Gareth.
Q: I got divorced five years ago and haven't had sex since (apart from with my right hand). I can't find a woman who wants to have a drink with me never mind going any further. A prostitute seems like the only answer but is it too risky?
Warren, 51
our online advisors reply:
A: I presume the risk you are talking about is the chance of picking up a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Only you can decide whether it would be too risky, but I can give you some information that might help you come to a decision.
Many prostitutes have regular checks for STIs, but there is no way of knowing who does and who doesn't. Even prostitutes that take health checks could still be carrying some form of STI, including HIV, because of the time it can take for the infection to show up in a test.
One of the contributing risk factors is that many prostitutes are addicted to injecting drugs. This means that that are in a higher risk category for HIV though, again, you cannot tell whether an individual prostitute has the virus.
The only way to reduce the risk of contracting an STI is to practise safer sex at all times. Safer sex means having any kind of sex without sharing bodily fluids such as blood, semen and vaginal fluids, or even saliva. Using a condom is vital. Please note that it is possible to pick up STIs from many sexual practices, and not just intercourse. For example, someone might transmit an STI during oral sex.
Another aspect of risk around prostitution – particularly street prostitution – is that you could be prosecuted by the police for procuring the services of a prostitute. Likewise, the police can arrest people just for driving slowly along (kerb crawling) streets where prostitutes are. However, there is no law about kerb crawling in Scotland.
It sounds like you are not finding it easy to meet and get to know women since your divorce. Have you considered trying to meet new people online? This works very well for many people, though you do need to bear in mind the safety aspects of making contact this way.
The following site aims to create a network for people who have been through divorce and are looking to make new friends. It also has a page of advice about keeping yourself safe online: www.ondivorce.co.uk/afterdivorce.htm.
The next site is an online magazine for people who are fifty and over. The 'Friendships' link takes you to the contact service: www.cennet.co.uk.
Q: Do I have a good chance of catching an STD off a prostitute from her performing oral sex on me?
Tom, 17
our online advisors reply:
A: There are some sexually transmitted infections (STIs) that can be passed on by anyone – not necessarily a prostitute – who is infected. For example, syphilis, gonorrhoea and herpes can all be transmitted through oral sex. Using a condom reduces the risk a lot. In fact, many prostitutes insist on condoms for oral sex to protect themselves and their clients.
The R U Thinking website has a list of clinics where you can get free condoms. It also has more information about STIs and safer sex: www.ruthinking.co.uk.
Do you think it would help to talk to someone on the phone about this? There is a free helpline for young people – Sexwise – that offers information and advice about sex, relationships and contraception for anyone under 18. The number is 0800 28 29 30 and lines are open from 7am-midnight every day.
Q: I have had protected sex (using a condom) with several prostitutes and I am now afraid that I may have caught an STD (particularly HIV). What are the chances of this having happened?
Anthony, 20
A: Hi Anthony. I can't tell you how much having sex with prostitutes increases the chances of exposure to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) because I am not aware of any research into the incidence of STIs among prostitutes in the UK compared to the rest of the population. It is known that many prostitutes are also heroin users, and injecting drug users are considered to be at higher risk of HIV infection, but it's impossible to say whether the prostitutes you had sex with have an STI.
The fact that you used condoms will have dramatically reduced the risk of picking up an STI. Condoms are known to be extremely effective at preventing transmission of most STIs, including HIV. The following link is for a page on the Avert website that looks at the effectiveness of condoms: www.avert.org/condoms.htm#2.
However, there is no 100% certain method of protecting against STIs – apart from never having sex at all. The best advice I can give you is to get yourself checked at a GUM (genito-urinary medicine) clinic. Most large hospitals have a GUM clinic and the following web page has a list of all the clinics in the UK and Ireland: www.multimap.com/clients/places.cgi?client=fpa2.
It can be quite nerve-wracking to go to a GUM clinic for the first time, but the specialist staff are used to dealing with patients sensitively and non-judgementally. It's also a completely confidential service – some people even give a false name. The following page from the Society of Health Advisers website explains what to expect when you go to a clinic: www.ssha.info/public/clinics/expect.asp. Other parts of the site have lots of information about STIs, with explicit photographs showing symptoms.
Q: A friend of mine was going out with a boy who had sex with prostitutes in Amsterdam. Is it true that all the prostitutes in Amsterdam are made to be tested at regular times? What are the chances of catching anything from one?
Craig, 22
A: Thanks for your question Craig. Prostitutes in Amsterdam are encouraged to have regular checks for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). These and other medical checks are given a high priority in many cities in The Netherlands. However, it is not true that prostitutes are forced to have regular tests.
In any case, regular testing does not guarantee that someone is free of STIs. If they were tested two weeks ago and have had sex since then, they could have picked up an infection without knowing about it. This is true of anyone – not just prostitutes.
This is why condoms are so important when you are having sex. It is possible to pick up STIs from many sexual practices, and not just intercourse. For this reason someone might have an STI without having had full sexual intercourse.
You can find more about the history of The Netherlands' prostitution policies at: allserv.rug.ac.be/~rmak/europap/rapned.html.
If you want to talk to someone about safer sex, you could contact Brook on 0800 0185 023 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm). Brook offers information about safer sex and contraception, for young people under 25, and the helpline advisers can tell you where to get free condoms in your area.
Q: About three years ago, me and a friend went to Amsterdam. Much to my regret now, I had sex with one of the main street prostitutes. I have absolutely no doubt that this sex was 100 per cent protected by a condom throughout. However, since then, I often become completely sick with worry and panic that I could've caught AIDS from this. I have read that condoms are far from 100 per cent effective. I am now engaged to the most wonderful girl, but I'm often filled with fear and dread that I might have ruined both her life and mine.
In January last year, I got glandular fever (I was at uni at the time) and I worry that this could've been a symptom of AIDS. I also get a lot of mouth ulcers. Apparently this can be a result of having had glandular fever, but I worry too that it could be a symptom of AIDS. Apart from this, I experience normal good health.
People say that I should get a blood test if I want to be sure, but I just can't bring myself to do this because I am so terrified. Please can you advise me of just how much I am at risk and how much I should be worrying? The condom didn't break and was on all the time. I also heard that the prostitutes in Amsterdam all undergo medical checks, since it is a professional business. Please help! Could protected sex with a prostitute in Amsterdam have given me AIDS? I am afraid to have a blood test.
Jason, 22
A: You are obviously feeling very worried at the moment. It's great that you wrote in for some support. I hope that I can help you to find a little clarity and peace of mind.
It seems as though you are unhappy now about the fact that you slept with a prostitute, and potentially put yourself at risk of contracting HIV. You say that you used a condom and that there didn't seem to be any problems with it at the time. This does reduce the risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as HIV and, if used properly, condoms are 98 per cent effective. However, you are obviously worried about the two per cent chance.
I would suggest that the chances of you having contracted HIV are low because you used a condom but, obviously, the only way to be sure is to take a blood test.
You say, understandably, that this terrifies you, but I'd like to point out to you that you are living with an unknown fear at the moment. In the long run it would be better for you to have a test and find out for sure. The worry that you are feeling could be creating stress-related symptoms, such as the mouth ulcers, and because you are looking for any sign that you might have AIDS. Not knowing will not be doing you any good.
I would recommend that you visit your local GUM (genito-urinary medicine) clinic and take a test. They also have a counselling service which you could use just to help you to find some peace of mind. Most clinics will encourage you to spend time talking to the health advisor before and after you have an HIV test. To find where your nearest clinic is, go to this website and click on the region where you live.
It might also help you to contact the Terrence Higgins Trust (THT) on 0845 1221 200 (Mon-Fri 10am-10pm, Sat-Sun 12pm-6pm). THT is an HIV/AIDS charity that has information and support with anything AIDS-related. They would be able to give you specific information about how high the risk was for you.
I hope that this has helped. Take good care.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months now. We have a strong relationship. Yesterday he confessed to me that a few days after the very beginning of our relationship he went to a prostitute. She began to touch him but he suddenly refused to have sex or blow jobs. So he paid her anyway and went away. He refused her not because he was thinking about me but because he was afraid of sexual illnesses and because he wasn't really convinced it was OK to go with a prostitute. Eight months have passed since that day, and I have passed mostly beautiful days with him! But after he told me the truth, I feel as if I can't trust him any more. I want to stop the relationship basically because he tried to go to a prostitute (or other girls, I don't know...). If I tell him that I don't want to see him any more because of something that happened eight months ago, will I be right or over-reacting? I need help, I'm afraid he has been making fun of me for too long.
Catherine, 18
A: Hi Catherine. It sounds like a very emotionally confusing time for you right now. You obviously care for your boyfriend, but this confession has led you to question your whole relationship.
At the moment you are feeling very hurt and betrayed, and it must be very difficult to see anything clearly. Perhaps it might help you to take a step back and look at the situation from all possible angles. Only you can decide whether or not to end the relationship. You have to do what is best for you. I could not comment whether your decision is right or wrong because you are the person involved in this situation and not me.
Trust is a vital element in any relationship and at the moment it may be extremely difficult for you to trust your boyfriend, or feel that you could never trust him again. I am wondering if you have thought about why he has chosen to tell you this now. The incident happened very early on in the relationship and, if he had not told you, you may never have known. It sounds like him telling you was an attempt to be completely honest with you. You have said yourself that you have a strong relationship. What does this mean to you?
A relationship needs to have good communication. Being open and honest in a relationship can sometimes strengthen the bond between two people. However, when you are completely honest with each other it can sometimes be painful and take time to work through. It can mean that the relationship changes. Do you think this is something you could ever forgive? Do you feel that it will always hang over the relationship? If you stay together will you hold this against him in the future?
It can sometimes really help to talk things through with someone. Talking can sometimes help us to get our head around a situation and decide how to move forward from here. Is there someone you could trust with your true feelings? If you think it would help to talk to someone about this, you could call Sexwise. This is a helpline offering information, advice and guidance to young people about things like sex, relationships and contraception. The number is 0800 28 29 30 and lines are open from 7am-midnight every day.
Q: I am in a really bad way because I have just discovered that my boyfriend has used prostitutes on at least two occasions. I confronted him with it and he just shrugged it off and said millions of men have sex with prostitutes. I'm just completely disgusted with what he has done, but part of me feels he's still the same person underneath it all. We've been together for three years and I don't know whether I should just dump him completely or try to work out some way of dealing with this. But I know I can't stay with him if he does it again. Please tell me what to do?
Lorna, 19
A: I'm glad you contacted us Lorna. It sounds like this has been quite a shock for you. It seems that your boyfriend is not fully taking account of your feelings, which I imagine could easily add to your distress.
He probably is the same person underneath all of this. Unfortunately, you have now become aware of a side of him that disgusts you. Clearly your beliefs regarding this differ greatly, but whether you can accept this from a life partner is another thing.
It's perfectly understandable that you would want to try to work things out after three years together. After all, you have probably invested a lot in this relationship already. Is your partner really aware of how upsetting this has been to you?
The following website explores possible reactions to discovering one's partner has been with a prostitute: www.committment.com/weiner1.html.
There are perhaps many issues emerging from this, such as trust and communication. Both of these are key elements in a relationship. Maybe you need to think about the future and how you want the relationship to develop. If you do want things to change, it would be a good idea to have a talk with your partner. Perhaps you need to discuss what you both want from the relationship. If you want the same things then you may have a chance. If you want different things then you need to work out a compromise, or go your separate ways. In order to move forward, whether with your boyfriend or on your own, honesty and openness are necessary, however painful that might be.
If you think that it would be useful to have some help with working this situation out, you could contact Relate. Relate is an organisation that specialises in relationship counselling and could help you both to work on how you communicate in your relationship. They have a good website where you can find a local Relate branch and read information about whether counselling is for you: www.relate.org.uk/wantadvice/relationshipcounselling
If your partner is not immediately ready for couple counselling, you could consider attending alone – Relate counsellors will see individuals.
I hope this helps Lorna.
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