when love hurts: refuge from domestic violence
by Tina Jackson
It is estimated that one in four women are likely to experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. This accounts for one quarter of all violent crime and can include rape, punching or hitting, pulling hair out, threatening with a gun or knife, or even threatening to kill her. In England and Wales, between one and two women are killed by a violent partner or ex-partner every week. One in three men who are violent to their female partners are also violent to their children.
Domestic violence can happen to any woman, regardless of her age, profession or class – or that of the man who beats her.
it can happen to anyone
© stockbyte
'Kyle works in IT,' says primary school teacher Marina, 24, who finally left her boyfriend 18 months ago. 'One of the things which drew me to him was how well-mannered and polite he was. It made it even more of a shock the first time he hit me. He was so sorry afterwards that I thought it was a one-off, and he'd go back to being his normal, quiet self. But after it happened the first time, it became what he did, whenever we had an argument. It was like he had one personality for the rest of the world, and one which he kept for when he got home – that was the one who beat me and kicked me in the stomach.'
Many woman who experience domestic violence are afraid to speak out about what they're suffering because they think it's their fault, or are too ashamed of what's happened to them to admit it. 'I was so frightened of my boyfriend,' says Amy, 20. 'If we had the slightest disagreement, he'd turn on me, out of the blue, and attack me, really punching and slapping, and then say, look what you've made me do to you. I'd go round my friend's house and sit in her kitchen and cry because I was so frightened of him, but I never dared tell her what he'd done. I just used to say I was depressed about our relationship. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening. I was terrified that if he found out I'd said anything behind his back, he'd attack me again, but I was also worried that she'd think – like I did – that it was somehow my fault.'
afraid to speak out
Amy is not alone; two out of three women who suffer domestic violence don't tell family, friends or the authorities about it. Research has shown that side-effects of domestic violence include feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness about ending the violence and, at their most intense, severe depression and suicidal tendencies.
There are safe spaces for women who want to leave a situation where domestic violence is involved. There are over 250 refuges in the UK, and a woman who chooses to go to one can move as far away as she wants from the man who is abusing her. The first step towards escaping violence is to call a helpline that will immediately put the wheels in motion.
'A woman who is being abused should ring a domestic violence helpline,' says a spokeswoman for Refuge, an organisation which provides refuge accommodation for women in the UK. 'Someone will listen to her, and talk her through the options. In our refuges, people can stay as long as they need, and bring their children if they have any. Addresses are kept secret, and we don't allow any men to come to our refuges. The place has to feel safe.'
But what if a young man were to be fleeing violence? 'He should call the helpline, who would be able to help and advise him,' says the spokeswoman.
In a refuge, the women have their own rooms, and share kitchens and bathrooms with other women who have been in the same boat. 'We get women as young as 17,' the spokeswoman for Refuge continues. 'Some young women come because of family violence, either from brothers or parents, or because they've been abused by their boyfriend. And we get women from a wide range of backgrounds.'
hard habit to break
Often, women go back to the man who treats them violently. 'A woman will leave several times – up to seven – before she leaves for good. Young women especially may have very mixed feelings – they may still love the person who has battered them.'
The first thing a woman who is suffering violence at home should do, advises the spokeswoman, is talk to somebody. 'If they keep what's happening to themselves, it stops them getting the help they need. It's important that women know that they can go to the police for advice – they don't have to press charges. They'll be put in touch with a refuge helpline or group, and that's where the real support and information will come from. They'll get help – and they'll realise it's not just them. One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. They're not alone.'
help and info
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organisations
Refuge
2-8 Maltravers Street
London WC2R 3EE
Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
E-mail: info@refuge.org.uk
Website: www.refuge.org.uk
Provide counselling, support and welfare rights for women and children escaping domestic violence as well as accommodation and refuge.
Women's Aid
PO Box 391
Bristol BS99 7WS
Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
E-mail: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Website: www.womensaid.org.uk
The National Domestic Violence Helpline provides confidential support,
help and information to anyone experiencing (or who has experienced) physical,
emotional or sexual violence in the home. Helpline staff can explain support
options available to you and, where necessary, refer you to a refuge,
a local Women's Aid group or other sources of help and information. You
do not need to be in an emergency situation to contact Women's Aid.
Men As Survivors Helpline (MASH)
Box 58
82 Colston Street
Bristol BS1 5BB
Helpline: 0117 90 77 100 (Thurs 7-9pm)
Website: www.mash-online.org
MASH provides a free telephone counselling service for men who have experienced
any form of sexual abuse or sexual violence at any time in their lives.
The helpline is staffed by trained male and female counsellors skilled
in supporting men who are coming to terms with their experiences.
National Missing Persons Helpline
Missing Persons Helpline: 0500 700 700
Irish Republic Helpline: 00 800 7000 7001
Runaway Helpline: 0808 800 70 70 (for those under 18 who have runaway)
Message Home Helpline: 0800 700 740 (for those over 18 to seek advice, help or to send a message home)
E-mail: help@messagehome.org
Website: http://www.missingpersons.org
Confidential freephone helplines for anyone who has left home or run away, to let someone know they are safe and to get confidential help and advice. Also for people seeking someone who they fear has runaway. Women escaping domestic violence can use this service without having to give details of where they are.
Rape Crisis Federation (maintained by Truth About Rape Campaign)
The Pankhurst Centre
Department 5
60-62 Nelson Street
Manchester M13 9WP
Helplines: individual helpline numbers listed by region on the website.
E-mail: info@rapecrisis.org.uk (please check the website for the information you need before e-mailing)
Website: www.rapecrisis.co.uk
Can refer anyone who has been raped or sexually abused, and their families, friends and partners, to their nearest Rape Crisis Centre for advice, information and counselling. The website also features information about rape and sexual violence, court procedures and the law, and myths and facts about rape.
Respect
PO Box 34434
London W6 0YS
Tel: 020 8563 8523
E-mail: info@respect.uk.net
Website: www.respect.uk.net
Respect is a registered charity and national membership organisation promoting best practice for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services in the UK.
Rights of Women
Advice Line: 020 7251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 2-4pm and 7-9pm; Fri 12-2pm)
Text phone: 020 7490 2562
Website: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
A women's voluntary organisation committed to informing, educating and empowering women about their legal rights. Offers free, confidential legal advice on divorce and relationship breakdown, children and contact issues, domestic violence, sexual violence, discrimination and lesbian parenting. Information sheets can also be downloaded free from the website.
Shelter
Shelterline: 0808 800 4444 (24 hours)
E-mail: info@shelter.org.uk
Website: www.shelternet.org.uk
A national organisation working to improve the lives of homeless and badly housed people. Shelter offers free, professional and independent advice to anyone with a housing problem. Shelterline advisors will discuss your rights, explain your options and help you take action. The Shelternet website provides information and advice on housing issues such as renting, rights and homelessness.
Samaritans
c/o Chris
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
Helpline: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours)
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
The Samaritans exists to provide confidential emotional support to any person, irrespective of race, creed, age or status who is in emotional distress or at risk of suicide; 24 hours a day. Can be contacted by e-mail, telephone, writing, or by visiting one of over 200 local branches (details are on the website).
SOLA (Survivors of Lesbian Abuse)
Tel: 020 7328 7389 ask for SOLA (Mon-Fri 10.30am-1pm, 2.30-4.30pm)
E-mail: solalondon@hotmail.com
Support for any woman who has experienced abuse (past or present) from a female partner. E-mail support is available, and evening phone appointments are available by arrangement. Also have a weekly support group for survivors of rape (women only). Broken Rainbow Forum, 07812 644 914, is a 24-hour emergency hotline for lesbians, gay men, bisexual and transgendered people who have experienced violence from partners, family or friends.
Victim Support
Cranmer House
39 Brixton Road
London SW9 6DZ
Victim Supportline: 0845 30 30 900 (Mon-Fri 9am-9pm, Sat-Sun 9am-7pm)
Minicom: 020 7896 3776
E-mail: supportline@victimsupport.org.uk
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Confidential support and advice to anyone affected by a crime, no matter how long ago it happened. The informative website features facts and guidance on the help available for victims of crime, and you can find out details of your local branch.
Change
4-6 South Lumley Street
Grangemouth FK3 8BT
Tel: 01324 485595
Change offers a programme of re-education for violent men which aims to take full account of the interests of women and children.
The Everyman Project
1A Waterloo Road
Archway
London N19 5NJ
Helpline: 020 7263 8884 (Tue-Thur 6.30pm-9pm)
Tel: 020 7737 6747 (admin)
A voluntary organisation based in London which offers a range of support services for men who want to stop behaving violently or abusively. These include a focused brief counselling programme and telephone helpline which offers information, advice and counselling to men who are concerned about their violence or abuse and to people affected by a man's violence or abuse.
websites
Campaign Against Domestic Violence
www.cadv.org.uk
Aims to increase awareness of domestic violence, campaign for legal change, and improve facilities and services for women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence.
Domestic violence ... are you a victim?
www.family2000.org.uk/domestic_violence.htm
Written by a British psychotherapist, this site offers support for parents and grandparents on issues that affect families, including an article on domestic violence.
Department for Constitutional Affairs (DCA)
www.dca.gov.uk/family/famfr7.htm
Information on the Government's work on proposals for tougher legislation to protect the victims of domestic violence and increase support for victims.
MenWeb
www.menweb.org/batfact.htm
Facts and myths about domestic violence.
Violence Against Women and Domestic Violence
www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime/ ..
Features a range of resources, online booklets, government policy and useful links relating to domestic violence. Part of the Home Office website.
Zero Tolerance Charitable Trust
www.zerotolerance.org.uk
An independent charity that campaigns for the prevention of male violence against women and children. Also works with a range of agencies to promote innovative policy and best practice that target the root causes of male violence.
reading
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Breaking Free from Partner Abuse: Voices of Battered Women Caught in the Cycle of Domestic Violence by Mary Marecek (Independent Publishers Group, 1999) |
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Preventing Violence in Relationships: A Programme for Men Who Feel They Have a Problem with Their Use of Controlling and Violent Behaviour by Gerry Heery (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2000) |
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Getting Out: Life stories of women who left abusive men by Ann Goetting and Caroline Jory (Vision Paperbacks, 2000) |
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Power and Control by Sandra Horley (Vermilion, 2002) |
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(updated March 2003, resources updated February 2005)
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