couples on the rocks

by Kendra Inman and Alice Fisher

When a relationship hits the rocks, couples are often too close to the situation to find a solution. The majority of people turn to their friends or family first when things go wrong or they are in crisis. This can be very helpful and supportive but it is often difficult for people who are also close to the situation to be detached. It may also be hard to talk about some intimate issues.

© stockbyte

Some people will go to their GP, especially if they feel they are really not coping, are depressed or very stressed – unable to sleep or cope at home and work. Others seek professional help to try to sort out problems in their relationship.

couple counselling

In couple counselling the partners get a chance to look below the surface of their problems and focus on the deeper issues which may lie behind them, says Gillian Walton, spokesperson for Relationship Counselling for London (formerly London Marriage Guidance).

Denise Knowles has worked as a Relate counsellor for 10 years. She believes that the greatest benefit of counselling is impartiality. 'It's easier to talk to someone who's not emotionally involved,' she says. 'People shouldn't be nervous about approaching a therapist because they're very non-judgmental.' She also emphasises that therapists are empathic. 'I've always said that the day I stop being affected by people's problems is the day I should stop being a therapist.'

better out than in

Many Relate therapists are members of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). This is the largest organisation of counsellors in the UK, with over 20,000 members. Therapists can only become members if they have at least three years of therapeutic practice. BACP also has an ethical code and a complaints system for dissatisfied clients.

Phillip Hodson, a counsellor and BACP member, says, 'The thing with therapy is that we have minds in our bodies. This gives us a royal road to the problem. You need to talk – if you don't, your problem is as big as your imagination. Talking puts it in proportion.'

Hodson also says there is a big difference between psycho-sexual therapy (PST) and relationship therapy. 'Sometimes a couple really get on, but there's no sexual chemistry. Sometimes when a couple decide to split up, they have the best sex ever. They can be animals because they know it doesn't matter anymore. Relationship therapy tends to be about non-sexual issues: he doesn't listen, she nags... everything from drugs and drink to DIY. Some people have no idea how to talk to each other. Showing people how to listen is a big part of therapy.'

learning to listen

Diana found out how important this was when she attended relationship counselling with her husband, Tom. The couple had been married for 25 years when Tom had an affair. Although the affair ended, it had catastrophic repercussions on their relationship.

'Counselling meant we had to sit together in a room and talk without it disintegrating into a screaming match. At home, Tom would either walk out or refuse to answer me. When he ignored me, I'd get so angry I'd end up saying horrible things I later regretted. With counselling, he had to listen and he had to answer. I had to control my temper even when he said things I didn't want to hear, and it really helped us open up to each other.'

who's it for?

Couple counselling is available for married and unmarried couples, straight or gay. There is a whole range of organisations that cater for people with different needs, specific ethnic groups or religious beliefs (see help and info).

Relate has over 2,500 professionally trained counsellors working in over 100 centres nationwide. They provide couple counselling, sex therapy and an assessment service, where people can find out if Relate's services will be helpful for them.

Where demand for counselling is high, couples may be placed on a waiting list after an initial consultation. In the case of organisations like Relate, the waiting list can vary but partners usually have to wait at least a month before they can see a counsellor. Couples who need urgent help may want to go direct to an independent counsellor. Your GP should be able to put you in contact with someone suitable or, failing that, contact your Citizens Advice Bureau which holds details of local practitioners. For other organisations go to help and info.

what's involved?

Counselling usually consists of weekly, hour-long sessions with a therapist to identify the key issues and discuss the feelings and expectations the client has about their problem. Sometimes 'homework' assignments will be given. For example, with PST, the clients may be asked to perform simple exercises such as looking at themselves in the mirror or massaging each other. Counselling continues for as long as the clients and counsellor think it is beneficial.

A typical course starts with a preliminary meeting where names, addresses and other details are taken. Julia Cole, a counsellor trained by relationship support organisation, Relate, says: 'They're also asked to briefly describe their problem and talk about their childhood and family background.'

Couples are then told what to expect from counselling and what they can hope to achieve, she says. Counsellors are trained not to take sides or be judgemental. They are also skilled in helping couples talk openly about their feelings in a safe environment – something that some find easier to do with an independent 'arbitrator' present. The aim is to help a couple move on. This could mean helping them find ways of improving their relationship so that they try again to stay together or to help them separate as well as possible.

Counsellors should also explain their organisation's protocol and rules on confidentiality, and you can ask to see their code of ethics. In some organisations the initial assessment session is carried out by one person and the counselling sessions by another.

Although counsellors prefer to see the couple together, it's not unusual for one partner to attend the first session alone. Ms Cole explains: 'It's as if one is sent along first as an envoy to check out what's involved.'

To give couple counselling the best chance of success the people involved need to be committed to the process, says Ms Cole. In practice, this means individuals need to be interested in the process and not participating solely for their partner's sake. It also means turning up to appointments and trying out any action agreed during the session.

same time same place

If the couple wants to proceed with counselling they agree a regular time, place and number of further sessions, usually a minimum of six lasting for 50-60 minutes each.

Ms Cole says after six sessions it is a good idea to take stock of what has been achieved.

'Most people who come for counselling want change. If nothing has happened in six to eight weeks then something's not working and you need to reassess where you're going,' she says.

it's good to talk

Like many organisations, Relate takes a three-stage approach to counselling – although not all sessions follow this pattern. All counsellors should take into account an individual couple's needs and vary the sessions accordingly.

First, couples are encouraged to talk about their problems. This includes discussing what friends and family think of their relationship, says Ms Cole who likens the early sessions to 'rising above a relationship and viewing it from a distance'.

'Often the couple fears that one person will be dominant. Counsellors are trained to maintain a balance and to get both views,' says Ms Cole. All good counsellors will have been trained to help people who find talking difficult.

The next stage is about moving towards an understanding of their problems and making links with their upbringing or past experiences. 'Links like his mother would never listen to him so he has to shout to make himself heard,' says Ms Cole.

During the last stage of the process a Relate counsellor will help the couple plan the best way forward for them. This may mean identifying ways of improving their relationship so they stay together or help them identify ways of separating well.

when things fall apart

While couple counsellors can help some people understand their problems and work at staying together, other partnerships are beyond saving. Deidre Bett from Couple Counselling Lothian says counsellors are frequently faced with helping people end a relationship.

Ms Bett says how a relationship ends can have an impact on the partners' self esteem and the success of future relationships.

'Don't let it eat into your soul for the rest of your life. I have met people who have been parted for 30 years and they still can't bring themselves to talk about the relationship breakdown,' says Ms Bett.

Gillian Walton, Relationship Counselling for London spokesperson, says it is very difficult to separate without argument and acrimony but, however bad things get, couples with children need to find a way of being joint parents, and counselling can help. Julia Cole says couples who have undergone counselling often separate with less bitterness. Ending a relationship as well as possible will also help both partners move on.

ten tips on saying goodbye

• Accept that you will take some time to get over the split. Make a list of all the support systems you have, including friends and family. Talk to them about how they can help you through a tough time – this may include lots of listening but they can also help you get back into other activities or assist with practical problems such as finance and child care. But try not to overuse one or to talk about your ex all the time.
• Accept some of the blame for what went wrong. Some people find it hard to accept the part they played.
• In the same vein don't blame yourself for everything. Be willing to see what you contributed to the break-up. This may help you to move on and not stay stuck in difficult feelings.
• Look after yourself physically and emotionally. Don't think you don't matter any more because your relationship has broken up. Why not take up a new activity or arrange to do something you've always wanted but never got around to. Arrange a regular keep fit night with a friend. An appointment that takes you out of the house can help lift your spirits.
• If you have children, do your best to keep them out of any mudslinging and don't use them to get at your partner. Try also not to make them take sides or choose between you and your partner. Remember, even if you separate you can still be a good mother or father.
• Hold on to what was good in the relationship. Don't pretend it was all bad.
• If you can talk to each other about what when wrong, do. See if you can meet socially on neutral territory to address unanswered questions. You need to keep the lines of communication open in order to sort out the practicalities of separating such as selling the house or dividing possessions.
• Try to understand what went wrong and make sense of what happened. It will help you in future relationships.
• In your lowest moments try to remember that people do move on from splitting up and that you too may well feel less upset in time.
• When it becomes clear you need to separate, be as kind to each other as possible. You may not be able to achieve this until you have had a breathing space to reflect on what went wrong.

help and info

Channel 4 is not responsible for the content of third party sites.

organisations

Relate
Herbert Gray College
Little Church Street
Rugby CV21 3AP
Tel: 0845 456 1310 (to find your nearest Relate)
Relateline: 0845 130 4010 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm)
Relate Direct appointments line: 0845 130 4016 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: enquiries@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
The largest relationship counselling organisation in the UK. Offers counselling, psychosexual therapy, and other services to help those experiencing difficulties in any adult couple relationship. Some branches of Relate offer individual counselling to young people. Relateline is for couples experiencing emotional crisis who wish to talk things through with an experienced Relate counsellor. Relate Direct is a telephone counselling service (see website for more details, including costs).

Couple Counselling Scotland
18 York Place
Edinburgh EH1 3EP
Tel: 0845 119 6088
Helpline: 01382 640340 (Thurs 2pm-4pm)
E-mail: enquiries@couplecounselling.org
Website: www.couplecounselling.org
Exists to promote, develop and co-ordinate a confidential counselling service for people in marriage and other intimate personal relationships. There are 14 Couple Counselling services across Scotland – visit the website to find details of the service in your area. The counsellors are fully trained volunteers who work part time and provide counselling for a wide range of people, regardless of race, religion, marital status or sexual orientation. Some services have additional counselling centres in their region and some also offer a Sexual and Relationship Therapy Service and/or a telephone helpline.

Relationship Counselling for London
120 Belsize Lane
London NW3 5BA
Tel: 0800 652 2342
E-mail: info@counselling4london.com
Website: www.counselling4london.com
A service offering counselling and support to married and unmarried couples living or working in London. Individual, couple and group counselling is available. Clients are asked to make a financial contribution – fees negotiable.

Marriage Care
1 Blythe Mews
Blythe Road
London W14 0NW
Tel: 020 7371 1341 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
Helpline: 0845 660 6000 (Mon-Fri 10am-4pm)
E-mail: info@marriagecare.org.uk
Website: www.marriagecare.org.uk
Marriage Care has 64 centres across England and Wales. They provides a confidential information and listening service for people facing difficulties within their marriage or close personal relationship. Callers can phone with any kind of issue of concern. Face-to-face relationship counselling is also available. Contact the office for general information and details of local centres, or visit the website.

Scottish Marriage Care
72 Waterloo Street
Glasgow G2 7DA
Tel: 0141 222 2166
E-mail: info@scottishmarriagecare.org
Website: www.scottishmarriagecare.org
Offers relationship counselling free to the whole community without judgement or discrimination on any grounds. SMC has 15 centres and/or counselling outlets throughout Scotland – visit the website to find your nearest centre. SMC promotes the philosophy that counselling works for couples of all ages and stages in their relationship.

British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy
35-37 Albert Street
Rugby CV31 2SG
Tel: 0870 443 5252
E-mail: bacp@bacp.co.uk
Website: www.bacp.co.uk
BACP can provide you with a list of private counsellors in your area, plus information on counselling and choosing a counsellor. Please telephone or send an SAE to the above address. Alternatively, you can search for a counsellor at the website which, along with an online directory of counsellors, contains details about membership, training and an extensive publications list.

British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy
PO Box 13686
London SW20 9ZH
Tel: 020 8543 2707
E-mail: info@basrt.org.uk
Website: www.basrt.org.uk
National specialist charity for sexual and relationship therapy. Can provide details of psychosexual clinics and qualified sex therapists. Visit the website to locate a BASRT member in your area.

websites

Citizens Advice Bureau
www.nacab.org.uk
Your local Citizens Advice Bureau provides free, confidential and impartial advice on a range of subjects. Offices hold details of support organisations in your area. See the search facility on the get advice page to find your local office.

Divorce Aid
www.divorceaid.co.uk
An extensive self-help and support website for families going through separation and divorce. It aims to reduce the conflict and distress associated with the divorce process, thus enabling families to minimise legal costs.

One Plus One – Marriage and Partnership Research
www.oneplusone.org.uk
Monitors contemporary marriages and relationships, focusing on understanding the causes, effects and prevention of relationship breakdown.

iVillage – Relationships
www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships
Features articles, forums and quizzes on topics such as dating, intimacy, marriage, affairs, splitting up and divorce.

Relationshipweb
http://relationshipweb.com
US-based site offering first aid for relationships, including a directory of thousands of helpful relationship links, discussion forums, books, and help on affairs, marriage, dating, divorce, addition, abuse and break-ups.

The Site – Relationships
www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships
Aimed at young people, this site features articles about relationships, break-ups, and how to cope when your parents split up.

UKTherapists.com
www.uktherapists.com
Comprehensive website containing directories for finding psychotherapists, counsellors, and complementary practitioners, to help you find a therapist in your area.

reading

	Are You the One for Me? by Barbara De Angelis (HarperCollins, 1996) The author discusses factors involved in choosing and keeping the right partner, such as ten types of relationships that don't work, and six essential qualities to look for in a mate. Get this book
	Couples In Crisis by Chris Belshaw and Mike Strutt (Cassell, 1996) A self-help guide for those experiencing difficulties in their relationship. Discusses the importance of communication, sharing control and responsibility, the value of meditation and the best way of sorting out legal issues. Get this book
	The Relate Guide To Staying Together: From crisis to deeper commitment by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion, 2001) Offers advice on how to overcome relationship difficulties, learn to come to terms with a failing relationship, assess whether it is worth saving, and if so make it even stronger. Get this book

(Updated July 2004, resources updated March 2005)