'How do I know if I'm ready to lose my virginity to my boyfriend?'

our online advisors reply:

Hi Sherie and thanks for your question.

This is a big question, and no one but you can tell when it will be the right time for you to have your first experience of sex. It's really good that you are giving serious consideration to the question, and not just jumping in.

It sounds as if you feel there are only two options:

(a) you decide you WILL have sex with your current boyfriend, regardless of whether you want to have sex with him or not, because he's 'desperate' and 'it's better to be in a stable relationship';

(b) you decide you WILL NOT have sex with your boyfriend and believe you will therefore 'lose him' and then you will lose your virginity one day when you are 'drunk, to someone you hardly know, who you might never see again'.

These are very extreme options – are you sure they are the only ones?

Choosing to have sex with your boyfriend because he wants to, despite the fact that you are 'not so sure', does not guarantee that you will remain in a stable relationship with him. You may stay together, or you may not. Sex is only one of many factors in a stable relationship (though it is an important one).

Other important things might be: enjoying each other's company; sharing a sense of humour; being able to care for and support each other – both when things are going well and when they're more difficult; being able to talk about your feelings and be listened to; having shared interests, hobbies, friends, ambitions.

If it doesn't feel right for you to have sex with him at the moment, then there is, as you say, a chance you might regret taking such a big step. Every adult has the right to choose when to have sex and who with, and this should be a free choice, agreed to by both people.

No one has the right to force you (physically or with any kind of emotional blackmail) into any sexual act that you do not freely agree to.

Are you sure that you will lose your boyfriend if you choose to trust your own feelings and not have sex with him at present? You say you trust him and you 'know he doesn't just want sex'. Can you talk to him about your feelings on the subject? Having sex is not only a matter of physical readiness; it also has a large emotional part to it. From your question, it sounds as if, though you say you feel physically ready, you're not yet emotionally sure if it's what you want.

I wonder what sexual activities you and your boyfriend have shared so far. There are many ways to give sexual and sensual pleasure to each other that do not go as far as having full penetrative sex: you can kiss, stroke, cuddling and massage or even try mutual masturbation (stimulating each other's genitals with your hands, mouths or tongues). Have a browse through the section on Sexuality on the Go Ask Alice website at

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/Cat6.html

to get some ideas. Perhaps you need to build up slowly, getting to feel confident and at ease with each other's bodies, and learning what kinds of touch you both enjoy, before you go for full sex.

And, of course, if you do go ahead, you must use condoms if you have sex, as both a contraceptive and as a protection against STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). Check out the article on condoms in this website – don't leave this vital subject to the last minute to discuss. Otherwise, the chances are, in the heat of the moment, you'll both forget. A single act of unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

It is also possible to get pregnant if the man brings his uncovered penis into any contact with the outside of the vagina, as pre-cum (liquid that comes out of the penis before ejaculation) can contain sperm.

I hope this helps Sherie. Take care.

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