'We really love each other, but argue all the time'
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Q: I'm stressed at work and it's causing more stress in my relationship. I don't get to see my boyfriend much – he works nights six days a week so I see him only at weekends. He also goes clubbing a lot and I get stressed because I don't see him much and I don't want to spend all the time I do see him clubbing. We do really love each other but we are having arguments every weekend. We plan to go travelling next year but I don't know how to deal with it until then. I did split up with him but we got back together – we don't want to live without each other. Karen, 21. |
our online advisors reply:
The combination of stress at work and in your relationship is clearly very difficult for you, and is likely to be contributing to the number of arguments you are having with your boyfriend. The physical tension of being over-stressed may cause you both to snap at each other when perhaps in other circumstances you would not do so. This puts extra strain on your relationship at a time when things are hard anyway in terms of the limited amount of time you can spend together, due to your differing working hours.
At present it is very hard for you to spend time together in activities that you mutually find satisfying. Is a compromise possible between you, which would mean that you go clubbing sometimes, but not all the time? What would you like to do when you are together? Have you talked this through with your boyfriend? Is he at all willing to negotiate the limited time you can spend together? If not, you will have to consider how much you are prepared to tolerate the present situation, until you go travelling next year.
You need to reduce your stress levels and I'm wondering what kinds of things you can do to help yourself here. Can you talk to your manager at work about how you feel – are there improvements that could be made in your working practices? At home, what can you do in your free time to give you rest and relaxation? What kinds of things help you to unwind? Explore the stress section of this website for many different suggestions, ranging from a walk to an aromatherapy massage, a vigorous game of squash or an aerobics class.
For relationships to succeed, good communication and give-and-take is crucial. When times are hard, as they are at present, it is even more important that couples are able to talk to each other. If you are both committed to staying together, perhaps you may need some help. I wonder if you have considered counselling. We've got a feature on couple counselling where you'll be able to find further information and help.
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