'I'm nervous about having sex with my boyfriend because of abuse by my dad. What can I do?'
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Q: For six months my dad abused me sexually and also physically. I never told anyone about it as I did not want anyone to know. However now I have a boyfriend and he is being very strange. I am very nervous about trusting another male and because I won't have sex with him right away he won't talk to me any more. I can't tell him about it as he would think me weird and damaged I'm sure. What can I do? Emma, 18 |
our online advisors reply:
You have been through a very difficult time both emotionally and physically and this has had a serious impact on your life. What your father did was wrong and he could be prosecuted for it. It is not your fault that your dad abused you and you are not weird for feeling the way that you do. You may find it difficult forming relationships with men as a result of the abuse you received from your dad.
You might want to consider talking to someone confidentially about what has happened to you in the last year, such as a counsellor, so that you can explore your feelings. This could help you to understand why you are having difficulties in your current relationship.
To find a counsellor in your area, go to www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/index.html or www.babcp.org.uk (click on Find a Therapist), where you will find details of people who are trained to help and support you.
Angel Survive is a site set up for people of all ages that have been affected by abuse of any form (emotional, mental, sexual, incestuous, physical, rape or assault). It has a discussion forums and a secure chat room for survivors to discuss issues with each other. The site also lists relevant local helplines.
The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC), provides support no matter how long ago the abuse took place, pointing people in the right direction to take control of their own recovery. Check out their website at www.napac.org.uk, which has details of their postal and e-mail support service as well as other national and local organisations.
Sex is something that should be pleasurable for both you and your boyfriend and you shouldn't feel pressurised into doing it. You say that your boyfriend won't talk to you any more and it is wrong of him to make you feel bad about not having sex. Despite the fact that he is unaware of what you have been through, your boyfriend should be supportive of you and respect your decision not to have sex at the present time. You need to learn to feel comfortable in putting your trust in people again, especially men.
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