making babies the gay way – the last taboo
by Nigel Cooper
'Non-heterosexual couples lack the stable relationships that marriage guarantees. They lack the necessary balance of male and female role models. They threaten the sexual development and identities of children. Children are in danger of becoming little more than commodities, and their interests subordinated to the selfish desires of adults.'
© C4
These are just a few of the common charges levied against gay parents, according to Weeks, Heaphy and Donovan in the book Same Sex Intimacies. In fact, the very idea of gay men and lesbians bringing up children seems to send shivers down the spine of middle England. Despite this, an increasing number of lesbians and gay men are choosing to have children – and there is little evidence to support the often hysterical reaction they are faced with.
Current research shows the most important factor in a child's upbringing is love and stability, and that being a parent is about much more than gender or sexuality. It's about loving, educating and caring for a child in the best way possible, whether you're male or female, gay or straight.
common fears
There are a number of concerns for children raised by gay parents:
they will turn out to be gay
Almost all gay men and lesbians are brought up by heterosexuals in a heterosexual environment – but they don't turn out straight. There is no reason to suspect the opposite is true for the children of gay parents. It isn't only common sense that debunks this myth.
Jeffrey Weeks, Professor of Sociology and Dean of Humanities at London South Bank University, explains, 'Studies in both the UK and the US have shown that children brought up by gay parents are no more or less likely to be gay or straight than children brought up by heterosexual parents. The only difference seems to be that the children of lesbians and gay men aren't as hung up about sexual distinctions.'
they will lack balanced male/female role models
A similar accusation is often aimed at single parents, too – but the fact is, many single parents and couples, gay or straight, have close family and friends of both sexes that play an active part in the lives of their children, providing an array of role models. Professor Weeks said, 'All children need to be aware of emotional behaviours, both masculine and feminine, but there is no reason to suggest the children of gay couples will miss out on this.'
There also seems to be a bigger problem in society with the thought of men bringing up children, as women are traditionally the primary care givers in a family situation. The fact that women are generally excellent parents doesn't exclude men from this role, however. I doubt anyone would suggest that Bob Geldof was an unfit parent because of his gender.
they will be bullied
It would be naive to suggest that the children of gay men and lesbians are not going to encounter some problems because of their parent's sexuality. These issues may range from the child's own embarrassment (especially in the early teenage years) to outright bullying and non-acceptance from their peer group. Lisa Saffron from Pink Parents said, 'There is bullying. Despite a lot of progress, we still live in a homophobic society.'
But it is also true that children face bullying for a number of other reasons, whether they have gay parents or not – and the modern family bears little resemblance to the nuclear family idealised in the 1950s. Children today are brought up in a variety of situations, from single parent households to step families. Some are raised by grandparents and others by non-related carers. Professor Weeks said, 'Just to pick out gay parents to depict the changing family dynamic is wrong – it is part of a much wider shift.' Any one of these situations might leave a child open to bullying or abuse, as might any number of other factors, such as their weight, sporting ability or the clothes they wear.
Opponents of gay parenting cite bullying as reason enough to exclude homosexuals from the role of carer, often forgetting that homophobia is at the core of this problem, not gay parents themselves, or their children. It is also possible that, because of their own experiences, gay parents may be more capable than heterosexual couples of helping their children deal with any bullying or prejudice they do encounter.
Lisa Saffron said, 'Gay men and lesbians know how much bullying can impact on self-esteem and they don't want to see their children suffer it. We have developed strategies to deal with homophobia and can try to help our children deal with it, too.'
(January 2004, resources updated March 2005)
