parents of gay children
by Nigel Cooper
She sobs uncontrollably. On several occasions, she tries to speak. She wants say how she's feeling. It's been a full year since he told her, but she still can't talk about it. Her husband is telling the group how they found out, how they have been coping. She wonders how he has the strength. Even after a year, she still feels like the life has been drained out of her.
your worst fear
© stockbyte
Discovering a child is gay can be overwhelming and for many parents the initial shock can be devastating. Feelings of horror, disappointment and disbelief are all common. Some parents even feel bereaved, as if they have lost their child altogether.
Many parents just can't come to terms with the news of their child's sexuality – it's not what they had hoped for or dreamed of. It feels wrong, dirty and abnormal. Suddenly, the child they have always loved and cherished seems like a stranger.
Feelings of isolation, resentment and helplessness are common at this time and for most, the concept of having a gay child is so alien, they feel confused, angry, embarrassed and ashamed. Many parents find themselves worrying about what their neighbours, family and friends will think and because of these concerns, they feel alone, as if they have nobody to turn to.
HIV and AIDS
As the revelation sinks in, many parents begin to fear for their child's health. One of their first concerns is often HIV and AIDS, especially if they have a gay son. This is only natural – gay men are in a high-risk group for contracting the virus.
It's right to be concerned about your child's sexual health – but this fear should not necessarily go hand in hand with their sexuality. Avert, a UK-based HIV and AIDS charity said that in 1999, a higher percentage of heterosexuals became infected with HIV than homosexuals – a trend that continues to this day.
prejudice
Another key fear for parents is the disadvantages their son or daughter may face throughout their lives. Again, this is a valid concern – homosexuals do still face prejudice in the UK, but things are changing.
Up until as recently as the last century, something as commonplace as left-handedness was frowned upon. Thankfully, this is no longer the case. Likewise, people's understanding of homosexuality is also improving.
unknown territory
Many parents simply can't comprehend that their child is gay. The issue is too unfamiliar and they have no idea how to deal with it.
You shouldn't feel bad if you can't immediately accept your son or daughter's new identity. It is a difficult thing to come to terms with and it does take time.
However you feel initially, things can and do get easier. No matter how distressing it first seems, many parents find that in time, they learn not only to accept their child's orientation but also to embrace it.
misconceptions
There are many misconceptions about homosexuality that can make life harder for the parents of gay children.
it's just a phase
One of the first things many parents think when their son or daughter comes out is that it is 'just a phase', or that their child is simply confused. However, it's unlikely that any child would say something so difficult and monumental if they weren't sure about it. The chances are, they have agonised over whether to come out for months or even years.
it can be cured
Homosexuality isn't an illness or a deficiency. In the past, treatments as harsh as electric shock treatment have been used in the attempt to 'cure' the 'condition'. Today, we know this isn't something that can, or needs to be, cured. It just is.
they don't look or act gay
Many of us have preconceived ideas of what gay men and women look, dress and sound like. But stereotypes surrounding homosexuality are just that – stereotypes. Homosexuals come in all different shapes and sizes, just like heterosexuals.
they are just trying to be trendy
Another common misconception is that teenagers are simply trying to be 'trendy' in some way. It is highly unlikely that any teenager will go through the trauma of coming out to his or her parents just because they think it's cool – more often than not, it isn't a pleasant experience. It's certainly not a trendy one. Would you describe yourself as gay if you weren't?
my child has been 'turned' or 'recruited'
Almost all gay children are brought up to be straight, yet turn out otherwise. Likewise, it is doubtful that a straight child could be 'turned' gay, even if someone was trying.
it is something I did
Nobody knows exactly why some people are gay, lesbian or bisexual but feelings of guilt are common. Many parents assume they somehow 'made' their child gay. As with the previous scenario, there is no evidence to support this notion.
parent groups
Accepting that your child is gay and overcoming your learnt or inbuilt assumptions about homosexuality isn't going to happen overnight, so try not to feel bad if you can't discuss things openly with your son or daughter straight away. You will have to rebuild your relationship with your child and this might be a slow process – but you will get there. Bear in mind that coming out was probably a great ordeal for your child, too, and they may well have been asking for your support. But they should understand if this is difficult for you – especially if you're traumatised to the degree of the mother described earlier, who was so upset that she couldn't even speak without crying. A year after her son came out, she attended her first meeting of the Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG). Slowly, she grew to understand her son's sexuality.
Sue Allen, from the Bristol-based Families and Friends Group affiliated with FFLAG said: 'After her first traumatic visit, she attended every meeting with her husband. Now, they work with FFLAG and have attended the London Mardi Gras with their son. They even joined the Age of Consent march on Parliament. They not only accept their son's homosexuality, they celebrate it.' FFLAG have local parent groups located throughout the UK aimed at helping the parents of homosexual children. Finding out that your child is gay needn't be the end of the world – it can be a new beginning.
help and info
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organisations
Acceptance
64 Holmside Avenue
Halfway Houses
Sheerness ME12 3EY
Tel: 01795 661 463
E-mail: jill&gordon@acceptance.fsnet.co.uk
Website: www.ukselfhelp.info/acceptance
An organisation for parents of lesbians and gays offering support and advice particularly concerning 'coming out' issues. Offers support and empathy to parents and families who are finding difficulty in accepting their children's sexuality.
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (FFLAG)
7 York Court
Wilder Street
Bristol BS2 8HQ
Helpline: 0845 652 0311
E-mail: info@fflag.org.uk
Website: www.fflag.org.uk
National organisation with more than 40 telephone helplines across the UK and parents' groups which hold regular meetings. The website offers useful online booklets, such as How do I Tell my Parents? and A Guide for Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
Gay Family Routes
Tel: 01909 484932
E-mail: talk@gayfamilyroutes.org.uk
Website: www.gayfamilyroutes.org.uk
Organisation helping parents of gay children from Nottinghamshire, Sheffield, Doncaster, North Derbyshire and North West Lincolnshire.
PACE – Family Therapy Service
34 Hartham Road
London N7 9JL
Tel: 020 7700 1323
E-mail: info@pacehealth.org.uk
Website: www.pacehealth.org.uk
The Family Therapy Service at PACE is a resource for parents, adults, children and professionals to express their concerns, communicate their feelings and better understand what it is to be gay, lesbian or bisexual. The Family Therapy Service provides counselling, support and advice to every family member, whether gay, lesbian, heterosexual or bisexual.
Parentline Plus
Helpline: 0808 800 2222 (24 hours a day, every day)
Textphone: 0800 783 6783
Website: www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Offers support to anyone parenting a child; the child's parents, stepparents, grandparents and foster parents. Runs free telephone and email helplines, parenting courses and offers information leaflets.
websites
Guardian Archives – Gay in silence
http://education.guardian.co.uk/schools/story/0,5500,561422,00.html
Article that discusses the fact that, although public perception suggests that homophobia is in decline, it is still prevalent in our schools, and often a form of abuse that isn't prevented.
Out Proud
www.outproud.org/brochure_for_parents.html
Site for parents of gay children, with an extensive list of commonly asked questions by parents.
Parents Supporting Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
ww.pspflag.asn.au
A South Australian support group for parents and their sons and daughters who are gay, lesbian or bisexual. Offers support from other parents who have had the same experience.
reading
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Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-out Process for Gays, Lesbians and Their Families by Chastity Bono with Billie Fitzpatrick (Pan, 1999) |
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So Your Child Is Gay |
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A Stranger in the Family: How to Cope If Your Child Is Gay by Terry Sanderson (Other Way Press, 1996) |
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(January 2004, resources updated February 2005)
