girls who like boys… and girls
by Melanie Ashby
During my teens, I went to an all-girls school, and never thought about sex. I had a female best friend, and we were close, nothing more. At university, I snogged a few blokes, then went out with a man at the age of 19. We slept together and it was fine.
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A couple of years later, I became friends with a woman who I knew was a lesbian and one night we fell into bed. I was freaked out, because she wanted me to say I was gay – but I wasn't sure. Our relationship didn't work out (thanks in part to my uncertainties), but it made me think a lot about my sexuality.
I figured I'd never been 'straight as a die' and this brought me out of myself. Living in gay-friendly Brighton – and meeting other women who identified as bisexual – was the key, and now I feel at ease with the idea of fancying, having sex with, and loving both men and women. The main thing is to 'come out' to yourself.
it's not just a phase
Society – parents, teachers, friends, whoever – tells us that there's straight, and then there's gay. It seems much neater that way. Bisexuality is often thought of as a phase on the way to being gay, or as a form of sexual experimentation. It can be this but it can also be a mature sexual identity that you stick with through your whole life.
Some people (the famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud included) think that everyone is bisexual to some degree but that as we grow up, we are 'socialised' (convinced by society) to choose a love object of the opposite sex. In other words, we're brought up so we conform to the heterosexual or 'straight' norm. If we don't turn out to be nice and normal, we're gay, and that's becoming more acceptable too (see coming out for more about being gay). Bisexuality, on the other hand, hasn't been so well understood, or tolerated.
I've fretted about what makes me fancy both men and women – but there's really no point; whether it's nurture, nature, gay genes or whatever, nobody has the complete answer to human sexuality. My idea is that there's straight and gay and there's a whole variety of sexualities in between. Some may simply fantasise, some may try it out. Most importantly, your sexuality is your own: everyone has different things going on, whether you're gay, straight or whatever.
It's different for everyone. The way I work, I can have a gay day or have a straight day. Or sometimes I go on a woman-bent for a month, while the next minute I might be turned on by a particular bloke. Fantasies and dreams can go either way too. When it comes to getting involved, it depends on the person – not the person's gender.
(updated March 2005)
