making babies the gay way
by Nigel Cooper
Contrary to popular belief, gay men and women often want children. The only difference is, like a straight couple with fertility problems, they are somewhat limited by biology.
© C4
Gay parents aren't something new – they are already out there and have been for some time. Some gay men and women had children when they were in previous heterosexual relationships but a growing number of gay couples are now choosing to start a family together.
There are a four main ways that gay men and women can have children:
adoption
what is it?
Adoption is the process of legally taking on someone else's child and bringing him or her up as your own.
who is doing it?
Traditionally, this has been the bastion of married couples or singletons (including gay men and women). However, in November 2002, the Adoption and Children Act made it possible for unmarried couples, including same sex couples, to adopt jointly.
It seems that more gay men apply to adopt than women, perhaps due to the fact that their options are more limited when it comes to having a genetically related child.
what do you have to do?
- Apply through a local authority or an adoption agency like the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF). Some local authorities are more gay friendly than others – you do not have to live in the area of the local authority you apply to, so it is worth choosing one that actively supports gay and lesbian applications. You can find out if this is the case with a quick telephone call or by checking their website (see help and info below).
- After you have applied, you will have an interview and lengthy assessment process, where you will need to show you have a stable relationship (if you are in one) and that you can provide a loving and caring environment for a child.
- After the initial assessment period, you will be referred to the Adoption Panel. If approved, a child may be placed with you. If this works out, you will then be able to apply for an adoption order. Further checks will be made before anything is finalised.
pros and cons
The Stonewall website has some heartening stories of gay couples involved in the adoption programme. One potential parent, called David, said: 'My partner and I are being assessed at present… we found everyone very supportive and have not been made to feel unwelcome at any stage.'
This isn't to say adoption is now without prejudice – the issue is still contentious. In the past, openly gay applicants were either turned down or only offered children who were difficult to place because of disabilities or behavioural and emotional problems.
This inequality is still prevalent and there are some who still don't agree with the reforms. Sociologist Patricia Morgan said recently in the Daily Mail: 'Adoption policy has not been about the needs of children but about the ambitions of social workers to reconstruct society.'
Not everyone shares her view, however. Organisations like BAAF were calling for reforms long before they came into being. In 2001, Felicity Collier for BAAF said: 'If we restrict joint adoption to married couples we can only reduce the opportunity for children to find adoptive parents and there is a already a shortage of adopters for many groups of children.' Since the new legislation was passed, some local authorities, like Lewisham in south-east London, have actively sought gay and lesbian couples to adopt.
Fostering, where you take in a child on a short- or long-term basis without legally adopting them, is also an option for gay men and women. Local authorities and organisations like BAAF can offer more details.
co-parenting arrangements
what is it?
Co-parenting arrangements are when a lesbian and gay man choose to 'team up' to have children. The man donates sperm and both parties share responsibility and custody of their child. These arrangements can also be made between two couples.
who is doing it?
Predominantly lesbians and gay men.
what do you have to do?
- Choose your co-parent(s) wisely. You will have to make joint decisions with regard to your child's upbringing, so it is important you have similar values and can reach a compromise when you don't agree. If one of you wants to bring up your child in the Jewish faith and the other as a Catholic, it is safe to assume you should both look elsewhere for a co-parent.
- Contact an organisation like the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parents Programme if you aren't co-parenting with a friend. When you have joined and paid a registration fee, you will have access to a team of counsellors and prospective co-parents. Unless you are going through a clinic, you will need an insemination kit. You can buy these from the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parents Programme or the Pink Parents website (see help and info below).
- Contact a solicitor. There are a number of legal issues to consider with these arrangements, as both the natural father and mother will be treated as unmarried parents. This can cause a number of problems, especially if co-parents fall out. The Lesbian and Gay Co-Parents Programme website has more details of the legal side of these arrangements.
- Get rigorous health checks before going ahead with any pregnancy.
pros and cons
The positive side of a co-parenting agreement is that the child will have two, or possibly more, adults doting and caring for him or her. But there are a number of issues that make co-parenting a difficult choice.
The most obvious problem is that as a co-parent, you will not have sole custody of your child. Alison Bedor from the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parenting Group highlighted another problem, saying: 'Most women who contact us are looking for donors, not co-parents, but most men want an active involvement.'
Even when co-parents are found, entering a situation where your child already has two homes before he or she is born could be difficult for all concerned. There are many details to be worked out and agreed, such as what role each parent takes and the degree of involvement they have with the child. If there are two couples involved, rather than individuals, it could be even trickier, legally and socially.
donor insemination
what is it?
Donor insemination is the process of a man donating sperm so that a woman can inseminate herself. This can be done privately or in a clinic.
who is doing it?
Lesbians and heterosexual couples with fertility problems. Gay or straight men who do not want an active role in their child's life often donate sperm, as do men who only want a limited role as an 'uncle' figure.
what do you have to do?
- Choose a sperm donor carefully. This could be a friend or an anonymous donor from a clinic.
- Get rigorous health checks before going ahead with any pregnancy. There are many lesbian-friendly clinics with banks of donor sperm available. All sperm in this situation is screened for Sexually Transmitted Infections, including HIV.
- If you are self inseminating, you will need a kit. You can buy these from support and advice groups like Pink Parents or the Lesbian and Gay Co-Parenting Programme (see help and info below).
- Contact a solicitor. Your legal position will differ depending on whether your children are conceived in a regulated clinic or a private arrangement.
pros and cons
The most obvious advantage of sperm donation for lesbian couples is that donors will not want any involvement with your child. Your child will also be genetically related to one of you.
However, in recent changes announced by the government, sperm and egg donors are to lose their right to anonymity. Donor children born after April 2005 will – when they turn 18 – be able to find out who their biological parents were (although the donor will have no legal or financial obligation to their child).
There are also legal issues for lesbians with this option: one mother will not be legally connected to her child. At the moment, the only legal option open to the lesbian partner is a Joint Residence Order, which means they can effectively share parental responsibility.
surrogacy
what is it?
Surrogacy is where a woman bears a child for a couple who are unable to have a child of their own. The surrogate mother might use her own eggs or have another woman's egg implanted in her womb. If a gay couple is using a surrogate mother, the egg can be fertilised by either man's sperm. Surrogate mothers must not be paid for their services in the UK and can only be provided with reasonable expenses.
who is doing it?
Although gay men could benefit greatly from this service, surrogate agencies in the UK don't help gay couples. The reason they give for this is that prospective parents need to qualify for a Parental Order in order to be seen as taking part in a surrogacy agreement – and this is only possible if you are married. Despite this, some do offer their services to unmarried heterosexual couples, allowing them to adopt the child from the surrogate.
The only option currently open to gay couples is for them to go to a commercial surrogate agency in the US.
what do you have to do?
- Go to the US, making sure you pack a large chequebook. Some commercial surrogate agencies, such as Growing Generations, specialise in helping gay couples have children. It could cost you hundreds of thousands of pounds, however – so be prepared.
- Alternatively, ask a friend. This is a big ask and legally ambiguous. It could also be fraught with difficulties. Even if a friend cares enough about you to agree, she might feel differently when the baby arrives.
- Once the baby is born, the surrogate mother will have all legal rights to him or her. This legal issues can be addressed by the natural father being named on the birth certificate or the prospective parents adopting the child.
pros and cons
The biggest barrier to surrogacy is cost. Even if you do have the money, you will face other hurdles, not least the fact that your surrogate mother could choose to keep your child when it is born.
The big advantage to this route for gay couples is that surrogacy allows you to have a genetically related child, without the involvement of a 'third' parent or having to enter a co-parenting agreement.
For more comprehensive details of all of the options available to gay couples who want children, see our help and info section below.
help and info
Channel 4 is not responsible for the content of third party sites
organisations
British Association for Adoption & Fostering (BAAF)
Skyline House
200 Union Street
London SE1 0LX
E-mail: mail@baaf.org.uk
Website: www.baaf.org.uk
One of the UK's largest adoption and fostering agencies, with information and nationwide events for those concerned with adoption, fostering and child care. They run a free agency search service to help you find a suitable adoption agency.
Gay and Lesbian Co-parents Programme
184 Gloucester Place
London NW1 6DS
Tel: 020 7723 6448
E-mail: info@gayandlesbiancoparentsprogramme.com
Website: www.gayandlesbiancoparentsprogramme.com
Organisation aiming to help lesbians and gay men who wish to enter co-parenting agreements. Has information, legal advice and counsellors. Donor insemination kits can also be bought online.
Parentline Plus
Helpline: 0808 800 2222 (24 hours a day, every day)
Textphone: 0800 783 6783
Website: www.parentlineplus.org.uk
Offers support to anyone parenting a child; the child's parents, stepparents, grandparents and foster parents. Runs free telephone and email helplines, parenting courses and offers information leaflets.
Pink Parents UK
The D'Arcy Lainey Foundation
PO Box 417
Oldham OL2 7WT
Helpline: 08701 273 274 (Mon-Fri 9am-12pm)
Tel: 01706 84 99 79 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-2.30pm)
Website: www.pinkparents.org.uk
A UK-wide organisation of, by and for lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans parents, parents-to-be and their children, offering an e-magazine, comprehensive resource website, publications, enquiry service, telephone helpline, workshops on donor insemination and national and local social events.
websites
Beyond Barriers
www.beyondbarriers.org.uk/beyond_barriers
The Beyond Barriers project has closed down but the website still aims to provide comprehensive, reliable information on a wide range of issues affecting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.
Channel4.com – webchat with Debbie McMahon
www.channel4.com/community/ ..
Debbie featured in the Channel 4 programme Making Babies the Gay Way (first transmitted January 2004) which explored the wider implications of living as a gay couple with children. Lesbian couple Debbie and George wanted to start a family together and approached a friend for sperm. This is the transcript of the webchat that Debbie took part in after the programme, in which she discusses their experiences before and after the birth of baby Ellen.
Directory of UK Local Authorities
www.tagish.co.uk/links
Full list of contact details for all local authorities in the UK.
Gay.com UK
http://uk.gay.com/channel/community/parenting/
Gay.com's parenting information section, with features on various parenting issues.
Gay and Lesbian Families
www.family2000.org.uk/gay%20&%20lesbian%20families.htm
Resources for gay and lesbian families with helpful articles, books and videos.
Growing Generations
www.growinggenerations.com
Commercial surrogacy agency in the US, specialising in helping gay couples.
Proud Parenting
www.proudparenting.com
American website aimed at gay parents with news and helpful information.
Stonewall: Parenting
www.stonewall.org.uk/ ..
Information from Stonewall, the campaigning group for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals, about adoption, donor insemination, fostering and parental responsibility.
Surrogacy UK
www.surrogacyuk.org
Organisation formed to support and promote surrogacy within the UK.
reading
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Lesbian and Gay Fostering and Adoption: Extraordinary Yet Ordinary edited by Stephen Hicks and Jane McDermot (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 1998) |
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Families Like Mine: Children of gay parents tell it like it is by Abigail Garner (HarperCollins, 2004) |
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The Guide to Lesbian and Gay Parenting by April Martin (Rivers Orham Press, 1994) |
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The Queer Parent's Primer by Stephanie A Brill (New Harbinger Publications, 2001) |
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(January 2004, resources updated February 2005)
